I Don't Care If Heaven Won't Take Me Back

Chapter Thirty Eight

My whole life I guess I have always felt a sense of anger. Weather it be from hiding in my own skin or the fact that my father cared about his church more then he ever did me. But I have never felt anger and heart brake at the same time. One second I go from wanting jack back more then anything then to not wanting him at all and holding my ground. After tonight's events I don't know what I want anymore. You would think after what was said I would hate him and want him out of my life for the better good, but that's not the case. I'm sitting here contemplating if I should call him or not.

I just want to be happy again and I was happiest when I was with jack, I think that's why I haven't fully let go yet. In the back of my mind there is still that string of hope that someday we can be what we once were, but when will someday be? He called me a whore, bitch and bad mom but did he mean it? Was it said out of anger? Even if it was it doesn't make the words that were said right, because it did hurt me. All because I told him I no longer want to be with him, yet all I can think of is me lying to myself.

When you have a kid with someone take it from me, hold on. Hold on to what makes a family whole because the rest of your life you will not only have a connection with you child but the person you had it with too. As I'm sitting here thinking about my life and I couldn't imagine having kids with anyone else. Even though I told him that I wish it would have been with someone else's doesn't mean I meant it. Just like him I saying things I hope he didn't mean out of anger. The truth is I'm glad it was him, Stella is a beautiful bright loving little girl and she wouldn't be her if it wasn't partially for jack. She is half of each of us, that's what makes children so beautiful.

At times like this I wish I had someone to go to for advice. I could go to Skate and Sammy but they would just say what ever they think I want to hear. I can't call Tessa because she still thinks I'm going along with our plan to make jack think I'm over him. If I tell Madeline God knows it would get back to jack J and he would tell jack. There is my mom but I honestly don't feel comfortable confiding in her yet. What I have learned in the last few years however is I don't just have one mom, I have two.. Katherine.

"Hello"

"Hey David I was wondering if I could talk to Katherine?" I asked him once he answered the phone.

"Of course you can, hold on one moment" I heard him call her name, while I was waiting I crawled into bed and got comfortable with a box of Kleenex, I can already feel the tears coming on.

"Hey Kate" she said sweetly through the phone.

"Hey"

"Is everything okay?" She asked kindly as i already started crying.

"No" I said "I know he is your son, but he said hurtful things to me tonight.. And I don't know what to do, think, or feel anymore."

"Well tell me what your feeling"

"He called me a bad mom for going to camp. And what if he is right? I put myself first and Stella  should always be put first -"

"Kate honey you are not a bad mom. As a mother sometimes we have to do things for ourselves to stay sane."

"But I didn't go to stay sane.. I didn't even go for myself.."

"Then why did you go?" She asked kindly concerned.

"I went to try and get over jack.."

"Did it work?"

"No"

I need to stop lying to myself, I need to stop talking myself into something I'm not. Jack in the last two years has become my everything. I look at Stella and all I have is jack to thank for that. I was pretending to be someone for so long living in the same house with my father, and I have recently learned and found who I really and and I guess in a way I also have jack to thank for that.

"Well then my dear you just answered  your own question" she said confusing me.

"Huh?"

"You said you didn't know what to feel anymore. Yet you just told me, don't be ashamed not to be over him... Kate there are no excuses for what he did, it was wrong... But that doesn't mean it needs to be the end if you both aren't ready for it to be"

"I don't know If I'm ready to be with him either.. That's why I'm so confused" I said looking at a family picture of me jack and Stella.

"It's easy honey, you can either see yourself being with out him, or spending the rest or you life with him. Regardless of what you chose me and David will always love you"

"But what if we did get back together? We would probably fight"

"Kate" she laughed "what's a relationship without some fights? It's not going to be easy no relationship is. It's something you need to think about, but just know there will be fights, yelling and tears. It's a way of life my dear"

"Would I be stupid to go back to him so soon?"

"No, because you would be fallowing your heart, it doesn't matter what people think, it only matters what you think.. Kate If it's mean to happen it will, you never know.. something might happen that will bring you two together again, something that will make you realize that life is meant to be spent with the ones you love.."