Temporary {Camren}

Chapter 13

"It's pretty cold out here huh." Lauren turned around at the sound of her girlfriend's voice coming towards her. "I guess so, I hadn't really noticed." Camila sat down somewhere next to her girlfriend, she couldn't really see through the darkness. "Are you okay?" Lauren didn't look at Camila when she spoke "Why wouldn't I be?" Camila chose not to state the obvious "...cause it's really cold and you're out here in a t shirt and jean shorts." "Like I said, I hadn't noticed much." Lauren responded curtly. "Why are you being like this?" Camila sighed, "You're acting so distant." "Am I?" The green eyed girl mumbled, knowing already she was right. "Babe you don't have to keep everything you feel inside of you." Camila found Lauren's hand through the darkness and realised how far away she was from her. "Can we go inside to talk? It's freezing out here." Camila asked, or more like begged. Lauren's answer was standing up and opening the sliding door, the warm temperature of their house compared to outside in the cold hitting her like she was in the Bahamas. Camila guided Lauren over to the couch and threw a blanket over them both as they sat uncomfortably apart from each other. "Lauren you do know you can talk to me right?" Camila approached it gently, Lauren still didn't turn to look at her. She didn't even give any response. "Laur, did you hear me? You're not just my amazing and perfect girlfriend, you're like a best friend too. I want you to feel like you can talk to me like you always have done. Why did you just suddenly stop?" Lauren took a deep breath and swallowed the lump in her throat. She just couldn't answer. "Baby please.." Camila reached for her hand and thankfully, Lauren allowed her to take it. "It's not healthy to do this to yourself. You have to let it out, okay? I can handle it if that's what you're worried about, you're one hundred percent allowed to be upset and sad. You're allowed to feel mad at the world and even God for having cancer. Okay, there, I said the words you're probably avoiding now.. Please work with me here Lauren this can't just be me talking at you. Just say something, anything." Camila begged, Lauren sniffled and Camila brought her girlfriend into her body to hold her as tight as she possibly could. While the green eyed girl screamed in frustration with it all and cried in her girlfriends arms. "Why did it have to be me? Why me? Everything's so shit Camz I can't fucking do this anymore!" Lauren cried and held onto Camila tightly, but she wouldn't be going anywhere. "Lauren I know it's unfair and it's horrible and everything is shit but you can fight this. You're a strong fighter and I know you can beat this. Baby you can't give up on yourself now, so many people love and need you-" "They can live without me." "I can't." Camila said immediately, "I can't live without you Lauren you're the air in my lungs and the love filling my heart you can't leave me-" "See, that's exactly it! I can't leave you. Why don't I feel like someone cares? I can't leave anybody but I just need someone Camz I can't-I can't cope like this I just want to die. I want to kill myself before the cancer kills me. I can't fucking live with all this pain and anger because it hurts me Camila!" Camila's eyes filled with tears "Y-You want to do what?" Lauren sobbed in Camila's arms. "I-I couldn't tell you any of that because I just didn't want to hurt you, that's the last thing I want but Camz it just hurts, so much." Camila pressed her lips together as she held back her own tears, this wasn't her time to cry. This was Lauren she had to focus on. "I love you so much baby girl I really, really do. You're not alone, you are not alone. I'm here, I am always, going to be right here by your side. All the way through this and after. You've had me from Day 1 and don't you ever, ever say that again. Don't you dare try and leave this world by your own will." Camila stroked her fingers through the realistic black wig while Lauren's tears soaked her shirt. "But it's all so hard to deal with Camz. It's been months and I feel like nothing's even changed." Camila kissed her temple. "I know that you're capable babe, and even the doctor said you're doing well, you just need to fight. Can you do that for me?" Lauren shook her head and cried harder making Camila's heart break into pieces. "I'm so sick of being the strong one!" Lauren shouted, Camila licked her dry lips and kissed Lauren's temple. "I love you, and it's about time that I was the strong one, huh? Maybe you didn't know you don't have to be strong all the time, but you don't Lolo, you really don't." Lauren's green eyes showed vulnerability for the first time in a while as she stared into Camila's brown eyes. "Kiss me..I need you." Lauren's voice shook and Camila was eager to ease her worries so she quickly connected their lips but they moved slowly. Camila cupped Lauren's face, stroking her wet cheeks as she kissed her girlfriend with all of the love in her body pouring into it. Camila was about to pull away for air before Lauren had pulled her in again desperately. "Camz please." She whimpered, "Lolo I need to breathe wait a sec-" "No you don't get it. It's either your tongue or a bottle of pills right now and the way feel right now..I don't want to make the wrong choice, I'm not sure if I'd regret it or not." Camila bit her lip holding tears back as she reconnected their mouths desperately trying to distract Lauren. "I love you." Lauren half whispered, half whimpered. "I know baby girl, I love you too, always." Camila carefully laid Lauren on the couch, pinning her down while she kissed her. "Camz I don't want-" "-I know. I just don't want you to, you know. I'm keeping you safe, that's all I want to do." Lauren licked her lips and nodded bringing Camila's lips to hers again. "Camila I'm scared. I've never felt like this before, ever. I've never wanted to do something like this." Camila stroked the hair out of Lauren's face that was stuck because of her tears. "Don't be scared Lo, okay? And I'm gonna look after you, I promise. I'm right here, I'll do anything to keep you safe." Lauren's face just crumpled up and she covered it with her hands, crying into them. Camila rested on top of her body so Lauren could bury her head in her neck instead and wrap her arms around her. "Shh, it's okay Lauren, I promise you'll be okay." Lauren tried to talk but it came out as incoherent words lost in cries of pain. "Camz I need-I need to get up now." Camila shook her head and stroked her arm gently. "No babe you need to relax a minute-" "Camz I'm gonna be sick!" Camila then immediately shot up at the statement while Lauren had bolted to the bathroom. She knew she was telling the truth when she heard vomiting as opposed to cupboards opening. Camila followed Lauren into the bathroom and knelt down beside her. Lauren had her wig off now so it wasn't at risk of going into the mucky toilet, but she still had her hood up. Even around Camila, Lauren was understandably self conscious. But while she did make Lauren feel like the most beautiful girl to exist, she felt at ease with her hoodie up and the strings tightened so it wouldn't slip down. "Do you feel better?" Camila asked taking Lauren's hand, stroking her thumb over it. Lauren held a straight face and leant into Camila's body without saying a word to fill the silence in the air. "You know I love you right?" Lauren nodded and tightened her more gentle hold on Camila's hand. "I'd kiss you if I'd rinsed before you came in." Camila let go of her hand and Lauren took that as a sign to rinse out her mouth. After rinsing out with mouthwash, Lauren dragged up Camila from the floor and pressed her against a wall kissing her. Though despite the firm hold she had on Camila, Lauren kissed her so gently it teased the younger girl. "I love you too babe, so much." Camila smiled contently and closed her eyes as she rested her head in Lauren's neck as they stood. Lauren wrapped her arms around Camila's body and held her gently, resting her own head in Camila's neck. "I don't know what I did to deserve you Camila Cabello, but whatever it was, I'm glad I did it." Camila smiled and placed a kiss on Lauren's neck innocently. "Likewise baby, and whatever happens tomorrow we're in this together, okay Lolo?" Tomorrow. Lauren was getting better physically, though it didn't always seem that way. But she was, and tomorrow it would be the big reveal. Her chemo had finished, and they would find out if it had worked. God, was Lauren scared shitless. She knew Camila was too, it was just the moment of truth. For both of them.

"Can you wait out here? I just, I really need to do this part alone.." Camila nodded and squeezed Lauren's hand. "Just come here if you need me. I love you." "I love you." Lauren kissed her lips and took a deep breath as she went through and followed the doctor inside the room. "So?" Lauren's palms were sweaty and she could feel the lump in her throat choking her. "Well Lauren..."  The rest of his words were a blur until she could finally speak "..What?"