People plan, life happens

Chapter one:

Its just a drop in the ocean,
A change in the weather,
I was praying that you and me might end up,
Together.

Christina's POV:

Mer and I stood outside the hospital nursery, looking in at little Zola and all the other kids through the little window.

"Christina, I don't know why you haven't done it yet. If you're definitely going to do it, because you have been putting it off" Meredith said.

She was talking about my plans to terminate my pregnancy. Owen wasn't on board with my decision, so I needed Mer more than ever. I'd made an appointment a few days ago, but I just couldn't go to the doctors office. It was a hard decision and Owen wasn't making it any easier.

Ever since I to, him I didn't want to have the baby, he hasn't been speaking to me. He's been giving me the cold shoulder like a twelve year old girl. He sees it as the ultimate betrayal, but I can't see it as anything but my own choice.

"I made another appointment for eight o clock tonight" I tell her.

"Maybe you've been putting it off because you don't really want to do it" Meredith said "maybe you want to be standing at this window a year from now, watching your own kid instead of mine"

I sighed, extremely frustrated at this comment.

"Mer, Owen doesn't understand this. I need someone to understand and you're my person. Please just stop and try to understand" I pleaded.

Meredith nodded and apologized.

I made an excuse and quickly left Mer at the window, wondering if just maybe Meredith's words held some truth.

~

That night, I'd laid down in an on call room, and I couldn't stop thinking about what Meredith had said.

I always knew that nothing, not even my own kids, would be more of a priority than my job. Saving lives, the rush of 3am pages, and the absolute thrill of operating were only a few of the many reasons why I loved my job.

No one understood that I couldn't do both. I couldn't be an award winning surgeon and be there for my kid. I didn't even think I could love my kid as much as my job.

I didn't want a kid who would grow up always feeling like he's second place to Mommy's fancy job.

And I wouldn't be able to handle the guilt knowing there's nothing I could do, because my kid would be right.

But I do love kids. I love Zola.

Besides, the kid would have Owen.

But I didn't want to change my mind because of Owen. I didn't want to be different, I just wanted to be myself. I didn't want to forget who I was and everything I stand for, like when I was with Burke. Preston Burke turned me into a person who was willing to put on a white dress and walk down an aisle in front of one hundred people.

I found myself after he left. It took time and pain to put myself back together, even with the missing pieces Burke took with him.

But this theoretical baby is a part of me too. And I can't afford to lose anymore pieces.

If I really really tried I could be a decent Mom and an extraordinary surgeon. And I would be able to love my kid. If Owen helped out ALOT, I could be at work extremely often which meant there would be absolutely no reason not to love my kid. As long as my job wasn't affected, I didn't see a reason why not. I mean, look at Bailey and Callie. They're killing it as surgeons and they both have a kid.

But what if it gets hurt? I can't just leave it with another doctor. That could be emotionally scarring or something. What if it hates me? What if I hate it? I could always try to be there for T-ball games and school concerts, but I know for a fact I'd have no problem ditching it right in the middle if my pager went off. But that would really hurt the kids feelings, I guess.

I could always get Owen to videotape those things. So the kid could see my reaction to it. That almost seems more enjoyable for everyone. I see my kids event, without all the other parents and weird kids, The kid gets to see how proud I am, and Owen doesn't have to deal with my complaining.

And if the kid gets hurt I could always take fifteen minutes to make sure it's okay before Owen takes over.

I could always get a Nanny, or the daycare downstairs. I spend my time between rounds and pages with the kid in daycare.

But I totally forgot about the time I'd have to take off for maternity leave. I'd have to take off at least six weeks for sure. And if I was unlucky enough to have a C-section, I'd have to take off even MORE time. And it would cry throughout the night, I'd be severely sleep deprived and cranky. But knowing I could raise cops or lawyers or doctors to help the world really makes it seem worth it. Knowing I'd have more than a reputation to leave behind when I die is satisfying. And I don't know if it's the hormones or if I need a 72 hour psych evaluation, but hearing tiny little voices telling me they love me almost makes me smile.

I shouldn't act rashly, I shouldn't abort or keep the baby without thinking about it more.

If worst came to worst, I could have the baby and leave. Leave it with Owen, leave Owen. And the baby.

I sighed and ran my hands through my hair, deciding not to think of it. I rolled over and decided to sleep.

But then Owen walked in.

"We need to talk" he said, his voice dead serious and his eyes cold as ice.

So much for not thinking about it.

A/n- how was chapter one? I think it's a success.

Please vote and comment!!!

Thanks so much for reading poptarts!!!

~Daisy