Wherever You Go [Katy Perry Fan fiction]

Chapter Seventy-Two

I stand centimetres away from the door, my hand hovering over the handle in a bid to push it down, but I can't. I was frozen in place, my heart beating so loud that the sound was starting to give me a pounding headache.
I watched as Sammie slowly walked away, her arms folded across her chest, staring at the ground as though part of her had died inside and she was completely, utterly lost without it.
I started asking myself how I was supposed to be a dad to two kids on my own. I know that Sammie wasn't actually a child anymore, but she still needed her parents. Both of them. Then there's little Lucas. Probably tucked up in bed asleep at Victoria's, not a single care in the world. How did I even begin to try and explain to him that his mommy wouldn't be coming home? That she had gone and couldn't come back.
In that little mind of his, he wouldn't understand. Luke would just think his mommy had left him until he was old enough to know that that was the last thing she ever wanted to do. I asked myself if I was strong enough to do this. I didn't feel like I was.
When I finally managed to open the door that separated me and the love of my life, I was met by a big pair of beautiful blue eyes - my favourite, may I add - watching me, as though they had been staring in the same position for a while, waiting for me to make my appearance. Her dark hair was pulled back into a tight bun and a somewhat, deceiving smile sat on her face. Trying to persuade me that she was okay, but I knew that she wasn't.
"What took you so long?" She says through a croaky whisper, and I hear the pain that she's in. She looks comfortable, though, despite the machines coming out of her left right and centre to keep her alive. She's wrapped up in blankets and propped up with pillows.
"I don't know." I breathed out. Really I should have told her how I had been stood outside for twenty minutes staring at the door, trying to find the strength to face her for what could be the last time, but I didn't. My eyes didn't leave hers as I stood there with my hands tucked deep into my pockets. My palms were wet with sweat and my entire body trembled.
I found my way to the single chair beside her bed, feeling her eyes on me as I sat down. She outstretched her arm so that it just fell in front of my quivering knee, her fingers slowly opening, her hand awaiting the feel of my own in the palm of hers. It was the first thing I did without hesitation.
Her hands were so soft and warm, as though nothing was wrong. It felt just as normal as every other time that I held her hand in mine, except it wasn't. This time I knew that it was going to take me every ounce of strength in my body to let go. It was going to kill me, I know.
"Do you remember..." I whispered through a dry mouth and shaking bottom lip. "On Santa Barbara beach, that little place we used to go to all the time and just sit there for hours and hours on end talking about everything." I piece together a picture in my mind. The sun just setting across the horizon and the sky turning into a mixed array of beautiful shades of orange. Every single shade you can imagine, sweeping across the sky, fading into one another as though they're on a watered down canvas. Under it, sat me and Katy, two sixteen year olds head over heels in love and unable to imagine life without one another in it. Dreams too big for the town that we lived in and the rest of our lives before us.
We talked about our future. Many of times, actually. At that age it consisted of travelling the world together, getting married in the church near our childhood homes in Santa Barbara. The one where the entire building work was white and chains of Lilys grew up the woodwork on the side of the building. It was small but incredibly magnificent. So intimate and perfect for us.
We used to talk about that a lot when we were growing up together.
"Yeah," she gives me a soft but awfully cute laugh. "And my mom used to call me asking why I wasn't home in time for dinner."
"Every time," I laughed.
As long ago as it was, it only seemed like yesterday. I never forgot. Not for a single second. Those memories were too precious to leave behind.
I think about that future we spoke about and the things we wanted to do. We had travelled the world together like we said we wanted to. We had the children we spoke of having, but my heart broke at the perfect wedding we hadn't yet had, and now, possibly never will. Seeing the faces of our loved ones on the front row, listening and witnessing us as we promised to love one another for as long as we both shall live, swearing our lives to one another. I thought that there would be the perfect moment, when our lives weren't so go-go-go all the time and everything was just calm. That perfect moment I would ask her to be my wife and those childhood dreams would become reality. Now I realised that I had waited too long. That perfect moment was nowhere in sight as she sat, almost lifeless, in a hospital bed.
I swallowed away what little bit of moisture I had in my mouth in the hope that it would send away the tears too, but it didn't. I was at my most vulnerable and the person I would normally expect to hold me together was the person I needed to be strong for.
"You can't leave yet," is all that comes out of my mouth, and I lift up my head to look into her taken back eyes. She tightens her grip on my hand. "I want to marry you, Katy. I want us to watch our kids become adults and have children of their own. I was us to grow old together. This," I shake my head as the tears fall freely from my eyes without permission. "This isn't fair."
"I know," she whispers. "I want all that too. We will have all that."
"But-"
"There are not buts, Oliver. I'm not leaving my family, I refuse to be beaten by this."
Her strength was something I had never quite seen before. I didn't know it was possible but it made me love her even more. Her eyes showed determination, despite the fear I knew that she felt inside. I knew her better than anybody, so a tough smile and glistening stare wasn't enough to make me think she was calm. But it was the way she sat there, so sure and so confident that she could do this. It made me feel a lot calmer than what I was before I came in to see her.
"Ol," she breathes through a smile. She holds my hand in the both of hers and lifts it to her lap. I just stare up at her wide-eyed, taking in her beauty, wondering how even at her worst she managed to outshine every other woman I had ever laid my eyes on. It radiated from deep within her. Inside that massive heart of hers. It seems I wasn't the only one who saw it, or who could feel it for that matter, but the whole world could too. "I love you so much." Katy continues, squeezing my hand softly. "And no matter what happens, nothing will change that. I will always love you. Always have. Always will." Her words cause my eyes to fill with what I tried to keep away. "It's always been you, Ol. I'm so thankful that I found my way back to you. I think about how different my life would be if I hadn't, and, and I can't even begin to imagine living without you."
"And what if I have to live without you?" My voice breaks. I saw it break her heart just as it broke mine. My face was dripping in the saltiest of tears I had ever tasted. I could barely breathe. It felt like someone had their hands held tightly around my neck, squeezing together with all force possible, disarming the oxygen passing through my lungs. I had been through difficult things in my life, but nothing as difficult as this.
"You won't be on your own," she whispers through her tears.
"I'm scared of losing you, Kate. I'm scared of looking at our daughter because when I do I see you every single time, and it breaks my heart that that might be the only way I do."
"Shhh, shhh," she cooes.
I dropped my head into my hands, feeling my arms then collapse until my head came into contact with the warmth of Katy's torso.
"I can't live my life without you."
She held me so tightly in her arms as I cried. The most - the hardest - that I had ever cried in my entire life. It seemed as though every ounce of water had been drained out of my body until I felt tired and weak. We cried together, in one another's arms, not holding back as our emotions and fears got the better of us.
We must have laid there for a long, hard fifteen minutes, until our eyes were bright red and our faces were a blotchy mess. Our bodies intertwined on the space of a single bed, blankets wrapped around us.
I held her close to me in my arms, my head resting on hers as she laid firmly on me, her head deep in the crook of my neck. As afraid as I was, I knew that I had to keep it together now, for her and for our family. My children needed me.
"If the worst comes to the worst," she whispers through a heavy sigh, "I'll always be with you. All of you. Even if you can't see me."
Her words reminded me of something. No matter where Katy was, I would always have her love. She would stay with us, in spirit, guiding us on the rights paths and giving us the strength to continue. We would continue her legacy and keep her name going strong. I promised her that. We would never let the world forgot.
As for me and her. Just like the saying in our favourite movie. Our love was like the wind. 'You may not be able to see it, but we will always feel it."