Wherever You Go [Katy Perry Fan fiction]

Chapter Seventy-One

It's tough to be able to find the words to begin to tell someone you love how much they mean to you. You know all the things that you want to say. They sit there in the back of your mind everyday subconsciously.
You're thankful for everything they've done for you. You feel special to have been a person lucky enough to have had them in your life. Then when someone says to you 'go and say anything that you need to say now' because they know there's a chance you may never get to in the future, you try to remember every single little detail, terrified that you're going to forget something and have it there with you for the rest of your life. Taunting you. Aggravating you.
Your mind goes blank, and you forget. You're trying to remember all at once, too quickly, that suddenly everything just disappears. It's as though someone has stolen your memory. All those images you had of yourself growing up, the memories you created together, just stolen from beneath you. And you feel lost without them.
"Sammie," an echoing voice says in my mind. "If there's anything you want to say to your mom, you should go and say it all now."
I hear it but I can't respond. My body has gone into a paralysis state that even when I try to speak I can't get the messages to send from my brain to my mouth. Colors around me faded into thin air until I was stood there alone, walking down what seemed to be the longest pathway I had ever walked, leading to a destination that actually, I didn't want to reach because then I was faced with reality.
I know that my body wanted to cry, but my eyes remained bone dry. I kept thinking about what I would tell them. How I would break it to them. How they would react. Them. The ones that believed in her and the ones that got through their own lives because of her. Kept faith in their own person and learned from her the importance of self love and self worth. The world would sit in silence that day, thinking about the memories they shared with her in that arena. And though they were joined by fifteen thousand other people, to them, it felt like just their self and her. Those who were lucky enough to meet her, would remember her smile, and the sweet high pitch in her voice as she greeted them with a "Hi! I'm Katy!" Before pulling them into a warm, body melting hug that personally thanked them for their dedication and belief in her.
Without the KatyCats, there would be no Katy Perry. And without Katheryn Hudson, there would be no me.
We were all part of some circle. Some foundation that formed because of Katy. If the worst came to the worst, we could come together again, to grieve, to remember, to love. To thank her for the impact she made to every single individual. Did she save your life? Did she remind you that you don't have to be perfect in order to achieve your dreams? Did she help get you through a time when you thought you were alone, with nobody to stand up for you? Did she remind you of how incredible you are as a human being? Did she remind you that it is one hundred percent okay to be different? Because being different it was makes you who you are, and who you are, is what makes you so special.
That's what she did. That is the person that my mother is. She grew up wanting to create music, wanting to change lives, and I here I was, stood outside the door that opened to her hospital bed, thanking God so much for allowing her to do that whilst she could. If the worst did come to the worst, she got to do what she always dreamed of doing.
So to you, friend, just fascinated reader... KatyCat, you make her job worthwhile, you were her strength when she thought she couldn't do it anymore, and you will always be her family. If one day my mom isn't around to tell you it's okay, to be your strength, just remember that once she was, and when she was, you were hers. For that, as her daughter, I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

"Mom," I breathe out, looking into her blue eyes as though I had never seen them before in my entire life. She was attached to all kinds of machines, wires coming out of her left, right and centre.
I was stood just a meter from her, yet I felt so far away. I was scared, though. Scared that if I got too close she would be taken, and it would be over. As though getting too close would be pushing my luck just a little.
She was staring right back, wide-eyed. A beautiful smile sat on her face, and I photographed it in my mind. She looked...perfect. Weirdly, considering everything that had just happened, but she did.
Her face was the most natural it could be. Her eyes held a thousand words that I'm sure I was about to hear.
"It's my life saver," is the first thing that leaves her mouth. Her voice is so soft, so soothing, the best it had ever sounded. "They told me what you did."
I just stood there, arms by my side, taking in everything whilst I could in case the worst did happen. She knew exactly what I was doing. She knew we would all be coming in individually to tell her everything we wanted to say, and she knew I was first.
"Don't look so scared, please." Another smile. She lifts a steady hand, until her fingers reach out for me. "Come here."
I shift myself slowly, taking single small steps towards her, knowing she can see me trembling. If this is the last time we ever do spend together, I don't want it to be with me like this.
"You know, when you were born, I don't know if you remember but you were born with this little hole in your heart. The doctors only found it when you were a couple of weeks old. You kept waking up in the middle of the night crying. That's how they found it. I remember them saying you needed surgery, and I just sat there and asked myself how a tiny little baby, barely used to surviving outside of my body, could possibly survive a three hour heart operation. You were so small, and so helpless. I sat in that waiting room and cried for hours because I thought that you were going to be taken from me."
I listened to her, feeling the tears beginning to freely fall from my eyes one by one, falling onto the hard floor beneath me and creating a small little puddle beside my foot.
"I know that you're scared, baby, but I just wanted to remind you of something that I've been thinking about myself since the minute I opened my eyes."
I hadn't realised that I had been walking towards her, until my knee collided with the metal side of her bed. I looked down at the space beside her, sitting myself down carefully so that I could listen to her better, see her better.
"And what's that?" I whisper.
Mom smiles, "how many times have we thought we were going to be separated? We have been given so many challenges over the past eighteen years, and every single challenge," she laughs a small laugh, "we've beaten. We've made it through every single time. Who is to say this time is any different?"
I use my hand to wipe away the tears from my eyes, hoping that there was a chance she was correct. Perhaps we were being tested, just to see how brave we could be.
"I just wish everything would be okay," I begin to sob. I look down at my hand, unable to look into her eyes as I cried, knowing that I wasn't being as brave as she was and that was what she really needed from me. I was just too terrified of losing the one person that had been there for me all my life, being my backbone. I wouldn't have her to call whenever I needed somebody to cheer me up. The only way I would be able to hear her voice is by watching old videos from when I was younger, or listening to her records.
My body was in a huge whirlwind of emotions. I was so upset, but at the same time I was angry. Blood boiling angry. At who exactly? I don't really know. I just felt so much anger that I wanted to punch the wall continuously until my fists turned purple and the bones in my hands had just shattered into pieces, because how was this fair? A woman who had spent her life doing good, saving lives and being devoted to her family, being told she may well be so cruelly taken away.
"It will be," my mom whispers. "It will all be okay."
I looked back up, away from my fidgeting hands and into her gentle eyes. They looked so certain, as though she knew deep down that she could survive this. I wanted to be as confident as she was, but my mind was in overdrive and I just couldn't. I wasn't even sure if I would be able to keep myself together during the next few minutes.
"Everybody knows," I tell her. She doesn't look surprised or upset, instead she just nods.
"I figured you would have told them. I'm sorry that you had to. It shouldn't have been your responsibility."
"Don't apologise," I sniffle, feeling my nose begin to run like a broken tap. "I got your back, just like, you've always had mine."
I part my hands, slowly sliding one across the white sheets until I felt the warmth of my mom's. She wrapped her fingers around mine, her smile extending to her eyes. But I knew that when she was alone she would let her face, with those lines beside her lips of laughter and love, fall, keeping that strength to smile for each of us as we came to see her.
I kept tightly holding her hand, too afraid that if I let go I won't be able to again, an indescribable pain flowing right through me as I gulped away the lump in my throat at the same time. I unintentionally allowed my bottom lip to quiver, and I knew she saw.
"No matter what happens, baby girl, you will never be on your own." Mom's soft voice hums through my eyes.
My tired eyes lift to look at her. "I need you, though. We've always been a team, me and you. Us against the world you used to say. None of it means anything if you leave me."
"Sammie," her breath hitches, as though I had said something wrong. For the first time since I came into her room she looks away, biting down on her bottom lip and I watch carefully as she fights back the tears. "I never want to leave you. Any of you."
"Remember when I was little and every time you used to go to L.A I used to sit at the window crying as you left, counting down the days and hours until you were back?"
"Yeah," another laugh escapes her lips as she closes her eyes, and I know that she's remembering, picturing the memories. Is that all we had now? The past and the present? Was the future none existent anymore? The fear of the unknown is what drives us humans to insanity. "I used to feel so guilty, every time."
"I hope you know that, all my life, I've loved you more than anybody else. Even when you were big sister Katy. You were that one person that made me feel safe. I know that when you told me, about you really being my mom, I said some things to you, but none of them were true. I told you that you weren't a good mother and that you were never there for me, but you always were, every single time." I hold her hand in both of mine, feeling my tears falling onto the skin of my arm and lightly soak the thin sheets on her bed. The light had crept in through the window to the left of the room, making her black hair glisten under the sun light. "I know this sounds so wrong because it sounds so final, but I have to say thank you. Just in case this ends up bad, I can't let you go without knowing that I've thanked you for everything you've done for me. For always putting me first. You told me, that day when I found out you were my mom, that all you ever wanted to do was be the best mother to me that you could be...you did it." Carefully leaning forwards, avoiding all the machinery surrounding us, I leave a soft kiss on her forehead, feeling my tears moisten her skin as I linger there for a couple of seconds. "I love you so much." I whisper.
"I love you always, don't forget that," she tells me through tears, holding tightly to my hand. "Always have, always will. And I am so unbelievably proud of you."
I stand back to my feet, knowing that it's time for me to let my dad come in now, knowing that this could very well be the last memory I have of my mom. I bend back down and wrap my arms around her frail body, taking in every single ounce of her as I could. Her scent, the warmth of her hug.
I hear a light knocking on the door, but I was too terrified to pull away. "Come on Sweetie, it's time for me to see dad now."
"I know, I just-"
"I know." She whispers.
I finally get the strength in me to pull out of our hug, and with one last glance at my favourite pair of delicate eyes, her mesmerising smile and beautiful soul, I turn to leave for the door, every step tearing away a piece of my heart at the same time. I cried as I reached for the door handle, not even trying to hold it in anymore. I had well and truly given up on being strong, being brave, I was broken.
"Sammie," she calls out one more time, and I install the sound of her voice, as she speaks my name, into my mind. Once more time, I turn around to face the woman who gave me the greatest gift of all the day she gave birth to me. She sends me a beautiful smile, one that she knows I'll remember, before saying, "no matter what happens, this is not goodbye."