Our Secrets Will Kill Us // Oliver Sykes

Chapter Five: Can You Save My Bastard Soul?

Finally, an update, right? Haha, sorry I didn't update for like.... seven? days, I think. I'm not sure /.\ I had writers block but I cleared it ^-^ wooo. Okay, so I hope this longish chapter made up for not updating. Idk, I like how this chapter turned out. Hopefully, you guys do to. :)


Title Credit & Song: Can You Feel My Heart Remix by Jakwob


Oli~


Is that her? No, it can't be. That can't be Amelia. There's no way that's her. I mean, doesn't she live in Australia? Well, that's where she was when our family moved away. It has to be her, she looks exactly like her. She has the same dirty blonde hair, same brilliant blue eyes and she has the same name as her, Amelia Taylor. There's no way that isn't her.


But what is she doing here in Sheffield? Why'd she suddenly deceid to move here? I know that her dad lives here, maybe she moved in with him? Well, it doesn't matter. As long as she stays away from me then everything is going to be fine.


Looking around the courtyard, I spotted Amelia sitting at one of the tables with her friends. She was talking to Mike? I think is his name. I could really care less, though. All the people at this school are a bunch of judgemental twats. At least, the one's I've come across are a bunch of twats.


Pulling my hood over my head, I grabbed my backpack and pulled out my old notebook. I've had this notebook for only a couple of weeks but it's already filled with different song lyrics. Yes, I write song lyrics. It's another way of describing how I feel at times. It's a good distraction from... well, from other 'things'.


I've have three notebooks at home, all of them filled with song lyrics and short poems. The only person I've ever shown my songs to was my friend, Seth... but, Seth he um... he couldn't take the constant bullying anymore so he took his life away. Before that, I had only one other friend. Her name was Giselle, she was also my first girlfriend.


I broke up with Giselle when I found out she was being a little whore and sleeping around with a bunch of other guys. Seth had warned me about her but I never really payed attention to what he had to say. I was blinded by her smile and lies. I didn't see what was really going on and ended up getting hurt in the end.


Since then, I haven't spoken to Giselle. I still see her around the school from time to time but other than that; I don't talk to her. Thankfully, we broke up before I was able to tell her any of my secrets. We all have things inside of us that no one else can see but if I told anyone what goes through my head; they'd probably send me to some mental institution or something like that.


"Hey Oli." I hear a familiar voice greet. I look up and my eyes widen slightly once I see Amelia sitting across from me, a friendly smile plastered on her face.


"Amelia?" I asked, slightly surprised that she had come over here to talk to me. Why would anyone want to talk to me? I'm nothing more than a pathetic excuse for a human being.


"Yeah," She smiles, "I have second, third and fourth period with you."


A quiet sigh escapes my lips once I realize that she came over here to try and start a 'conversation' with me. It's pointless really, trying to make a friendship with me. Ever since Seth left, I don't like to get to close to people anymore. Everyone I've ever loved always end up leaving. Mom, Tom, Seth, Giselle.... everyone. Making friendships is pointless and will only hurt me in the end.


I move my fringe away from my eyes and hear Amelia point out the tattoos on my hands. Yes, I have tattoos. I'm only seventeen but I found a tattoo parlor that let me get them done before I turned eighteen. Thankfully, they didn't care whether my parents approved of me getting my entire body inked. It's not like I really have any parents. My mom left with my younger brother, Tom, when I was eleven and my father... well, I don't like to think about that cunt too much.


"Yeah." I mumble before turning my gaze back down to my notebook. I just want her to leave me alone. I know this is the Amelia from Australia. She probably doesn't recognize me. Considering all the changes I've gone through; my tattoos, hair, just me in general. I'm no longer that little boy she used to know.


I notice her trying to look at my notebook and quickly slam it shut. I hate when people do that; invade my personal space, it irratates the shit out of me. "Why'd you come over here? Shouldn't you go back to your friends?" I question, motioning over to the group of people who she was sitting with.


"I just wanted to see if you'd like to have lunch with us." She replies, smiling. The smile is forced, obviously. I can easily read Amelia like a book. I can tell when she's forcing a smile, when she's trying to hide her emotions. When she genuinely happy, there's a small glint in her blue eyes. I know, I was a total cunt to her when we were little kids but I always loved seeing her blue eyes light up when she was happy.


Still, she's the first person to ask me to eat with them in a while. Not like I care though. I'm not going to get close to her. I'm not even going to let her start a friendship with me. I just need to push her away. Maybe, if I be a total dick to her again, she'll leave me alone. That's what I've noticed most people do when they try to make a friendship with me. I build my walls up and they eventually stop trying.


"Thanks but no thanks, I'd rather stay here by myself than go eat with a bunch of idiots." I smirk. The look on her face made me want to slap myself for being such a twat but this is what I needed to do, this is the only way I know I wont get hurt. I'm tired of getting hurt. I'm tired of it.


"Fine." She snaps before getting up from the grass and walking back towards her friends.


Great, now I know she probably hates me. Way to go Oliver.


Well, isn't this what I wanted? For Amelia to hate me? She probably thinks I'm a total asshole for being so rude to her. In all honesty, I felt a part of me wanting to get up and walking over to her to apologize but I can't do that. If I apologize, she'll just want to make a friendship and I don't want that. I definitely don't.


~*~


Shoving my headphones in my ear, I turned up the music until it was on blast and began my short walk back to my 'home'. Well, I don't consider it a home. To me, a home is somewhere where you can feel happy and secure. The place I live in is definitely not a home. Far from it, in fact.


When I was eleven, my mother took my little brother and left. The look on her face when she told me she was leaving made me want to break down and crawl into her arms. I was only eleven, I didn't understand when she said 'I'm leaving you here with daddy but I promise, I'll be back someday' but I knew that something was wrong.


My father, he drove my mother and little brother away. My mother, she abandoned me with that abusive drunk. To me; both of my parents are dead. All I want to do is find my little brother. I want to find Tom and see if he's alright. He was only six when my mother took him away from me.


He didn't know what was going on in our house. He didn't realize that my father beat me everyday. He didn't realize that mom was trying to keep up the role as the 'happy house wife' for all the neighbors, when in reality; she was dead inside.


A small sigh escaped my lips once I realized that my father wasn't home. Correction- a sigh of relief escaped my lips once I realized that he wasn't home. Not like I was expecting anything different. My father was a drunk. He spent most of the day at a local pub or snorting crack with his crack head friends. Sometimes, he even got the nerve to bring sluts, druggies and idiots into our 'home'.


Stepping inside the house, I closed the door behind me, making sure to lock it, and turned on the lights. I walked down the short hallway until I reached my bedroom door.


Once inside my bedroom, I set my backpack on the floor and collapsed on my bed, feeling completely exhausted. Sleep was something I longed for but never seemed to be able to get. Even if I was able to sleep, I knew I couldn't. I have a shit load of homework that needs to get done.


~*~


About halfway through the essay that was due in English, I heard the front door open then quickly slam shut. My body tensed and the grip on my pencil tightened once I heard my father's voice boom through my door. He was talking to someone who I quickly realized was a female.


A couple more minutes passed before I began hearing moaning coming from the living room. Suppressing a gag, I grabbed my headphones and my music player from my pocket and quickly put them on, drowning out the disgusting sex noises with some Linkin Park.


At least he didn't come home completely pissed. Well, he most likely is pissed but that slut out there is keeping him distracted from taking his drunken state out on me.


This is how things are everyday. Since mum left, he tends to take his anger out on me. I can't remember the last time I saw him completely sober. I pray that one day he drinks to much and dies from alcohol poisoning or something that. Anything to keep him away from me. Anything.