Our Secrets Will Kill Us // Oliver Sykes

Chapter Eight: I've Got These Vices

Waning: Self Harm

Song & Title Credit: Blessed With A Curse by Bring Me The Horizon

Oliver~

Walking back home, I held on tightly to the 24 pack of alcohol I had managed to steal from the convenience store. The manager, as always, was completely clueless when I slipped the alcohol under my jack and quickly left the small store. I don't think that place has any video cameras so I'm safe for now. I swear though, one of these days, I'm going to get arrested for stealing alcohol for my worthless father.

Once I reached my house, I walked inside and closed the front door behind me. I started towards the living room where I found my father lying on the couch, still watching some stupid show on the television. I made my presence apparent by loudly clearing my throat.

My father looked up at me and sighed, "What the fuck took you so long?" He barked, the anger clearly apparent in his tone. I said nothing and set the box on the floor. My father glared, he stood up from the couch and started towards me. "Answer me, boy!" He shouted, he grabbed me by the collar of my hoodie and pushed me against the wall, "What. The. Fuck. Took. You. So. Long?"

"There were a lot of people and I didn't want anyone to notice me so I had to wait until the store was practically empty." I explained, trying to hide the panic in my voice.

He looked at me with pure anger and hatred in his eyes. He pushed me further into the wall and let a low growl escape his lips. "Well don't fucking be late again." He spat before pushing me onto the floor. "Pathetic." He muttered and started back towards the couch where he had been before.

I hurried upstairs and towards my bedroom. Slamming the door behind me, I sunk on to floor and buried my face in my hands. He's right, I'm pathetic. I'm a pathetic son of a bitch. I'm a pathetic excuse for a human being and if I was gone, I bet no one in this fucking place would notice my absence.

'Well then, why don't you just kill yourself already?' My conscious snapped. I stared down at my tattoo hands and sighed. Honestly, I don't know why I haven't done the world a favor by killing myself yet. I guess, I just don't want to give them the satisfaction. I don't want to let my demons win.

I looked around my 'bedroom', if that's what someone would even call it. I don't consider this place a bedroom. To me, it's just a place where I come to sleep and get away from the outside world. There isn't much in here I can exactly call 'mine'. Just a small bed, a dresser and a empty closet. Nothing more and nothing less.

Placing my hand on my leg, I stood up and walked towards my dresser. I looked through the clothes until I found one of the notebooks I had filled with various song lyrics. I opened the notebook and flipped to the back page where I found what I was looking for.

On the very back page, I had taped three emergency blades. I set the open notebook down on my bed and rolled up the sleeves on my jacket. I looked down at my tattooed arms and sighed. Behind my many tattoos hid multiple fading scars. I haven't self harmed in a couple of weeks and I don't see the need in starting again but... I miss the feeling. The feeling of relief, I miss it and I need nothing but to feel that again.

Grabbing one of the blades from under the tape, I carefully examined the blade before pressing it against my inked skin. I pushed the blade down on my skin and let it run across, small dots of red peeked through the fresh slit and I stared down at them with curiosity in my eyes.

I've done this so many times that I don't even feel pain anymore, relief is all I feel. Pure, sweet, relief. Seems like running a blade over my skin is the only way I'm able to feel any type of emotion besides pain. Normally, I feel nothing.... just numb inside and I want the numb feeling to go away. This is the only way I know how to make that happen. It's sad but it's the truth.