Our Apartment In Seoul || Jikook

사십사[44]

It was some days in which I hoped that everything would become normal again. That it was just a phase of remorse and hate that would end soon. That I would once open the door and be greeted by those brown coffee eyes.

But as I could've been expecting was there nothing like this. Neither a knock or my door nor a single call.

And I guessed this was how someone like me ends.

Someone who's being hated by all, like Hoseok said. And of course I knew that his words were true. That they fit myself perfectly in a way that cuts deep.

And the self I showed him that days before, was the one that dragged me into this situation as well and was now running off, leaving me alone with this giant heap of mess in front of my feet.

I nibbled absentmindedly on my fingernail as I stared at the TV in front of me.

The scenes were flushing in front of my eyes, not making any sense when I couldn't focus on it because of my thoughts that were swaying constantly away.

I'd really tried to talk with Jimin and Hoseok. But they were avoiding me, which didn't ease the pain and the remorse. I really wanted to make things clear, but how could I if they didn't give me the chance to? And it was really frustrating not to know how to go on.

The harsh pain in my nail tore me forcefully out of my mind as I realized that I'd bitten my thumb too hard. I glanced surprised at the small and red marks of teeth in my skin.

I grimaced and laid my hand down in my lap to prevent me from nibbling further on it.

There was only the dull sound of the TV that pierced the silence, being so loud that it probably echoed through the whole apartment. But who cares? I was the only one in this apartment, there was no one to tell me that the TV was too loud, no one to say that I should lower the volume, no one to take care of me.

Even if I seemed and acted hard from the outside, I loved it when someone cares about me. When someone hits the soft spot in my heart like Jimin did it. When I thought that I'd finally found someone...

And there I was again at the beginning of my endless thought cycle, which were pestering me the last days. Going back and forwards was pointless because I arrived every time at the same questions again. It was frustrating to have bounded hands, not be able to do anything. If they just let me talk to them...

It was like I said some magical keyword in mind because in this moment my phone started buzzing on the other side of the couch. The light of the display illuminated the darkness of the room.

I stared at it as if it was a ticking bomb, only waiting for it to explode. Who was it? Who was calling me this late in the evening?

Deep in my chest roamed the small hope that it could may be Jimin or Hoseok as I reached for the phone.

But I felt a bit disappointed as I saw only Seokjin's name blinking on the display. I clicked on the green phone symbol and held it up onto my ear, muttering a quiet Hello?.

Jungkook? Did I wake you up? Jin's voice echoed from the other side.

N-no, no, I was just watching some TV. I responded tiredly and reached quickly for the remote. The room became dark and the quiet as I switched the TV with one click of my thumb off. Only Seokjin's mutter from the other side of the phone remained.

Why did you call me? I asked and leaned back into the couch cushions. Don't you hate at me like all of the others? I queried with a bitter sound on my lips.

I heard what happened. Jin replied calmly. But I'm sure you didn't do it purposely, right?

Of course I didn't... slap him on purpose. I reassured quickly, glad that someone understood me. I didn't want this to happen.

Jin hummed in response and I could imagine him nodding absentmindedly. Did you... talk with Jimin already? He asked and I asked myself why he had called me.

No. I replied with a deep sigh. I-i want to but he doesn't give me the opportunity to make things clear. I don't want to feel guilty anymore. I said and became silent after bit my lip, looking strained into the darkness of my living room.

I want to apologize. I whispered quietly into the receiver.

I heard some shuffling and talking sounds from the other side like there was someone other. Probably Namjoon. I frowned and tightened my grip around the phone. Hyung? Are you still there? I asked.

The noises died down before Seokjin's voice echoed in my ear again. Yes, I'm here. Sorry, I was just a bit distracted... Y-yes, yes, you want to apologize. He tried to continue.

I sighed and let myself fall back on the couch, my arm hanging across my face. I messed so up. Hoseok-hyung hates me too, doesn't he? But I mean, he really could've been more pugnaciously when it goes about Taehyung...  I said and felt the remorse creeping in my mind again.

I think Hoseok doesn't hate you, Jungkook. He's just... angry. I mean, who wouldn't be angry at you in this situation. He made a little pause in which I wanted to complain, but he cut me off before I even had the chance to start.

But I also see that you became a better person, Jungkook. He said calmly. You became a person that is worth to spend time with. Jin told me. I mean, some months ago you would never think about apologizing to someone, right? You wouldn't feel guilty in that time. But now I see you trying to become a better person, Jungkook. You try to become a good friend. And you shouldn't change this because of one mistake you made. He told me softly.

And, oh god, everyone makes mistakes. You can't imagine in how many arguments I got with Namjoon about so many dumb things. Or how many mistakes I made. He laughed briefly and there was a brief moment of silence after this before he continued.

I don't want to pressure you and what you'll decide to do, but I can only say that the first snowfall is announced for tomorrow. I could nearly hear Seokjin winking as his smirk was even through the phone audible.

I smiled at his words and felt the first stripe of hope lightening my mind in days.

Because just like Hoseok's words were Jin's also true. And now I had to decide which path I'll follow.

Thank you, hyung. Really, you helped me a lot. I beamed and sat straight up.

Jin laughed slightly on the other side. No problem, Jungkook. Just see me as your fairy godmother.

I giggled and bid him after two more Thank yous goodbye.

Then I headed with new hope quickly into my bedroom and excavated Jimin's christmas present out of the wardrobe, holding the packed digital camera tightly in my arms.

I always thought I can only have pride if I'm hard and untouchable, showing no emotions.

But now, after everything that had happened, I was smarter and knew that I can also say the three magic words proudly into Jimin's face. Finally giving my feelings the chance to talk. To confess.

And this time I wouldn't lose.

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Don't forget it's a double update ;)

(And I really love your comments, it gives me the feeling that someone is reading this T_T)