Trouble Yet Indispensable

Trouble 6: Venetia Family

Naghahanda na sila ng dinner nang pumasok ako sa bahay. Si Shayne, yung nakababata kong kapatid, katulong ni mommy sa pag-aayos ng dining table habang si dad naman, nakaupo lang sa pwesto niya habang pinapanuod yung dalawa at nagku-kwento.

Ang saya nila habang nagku-kwentuhan. Ang saya nilang pamilya. Seems like they really all moved on. Do I really belong to this family? They must be happier without me in their life, walang emo, walang matigas yung ulo, walang pabigat.

"Oh, Rayne, you're here." Lumapit agad si mommy pagkakita sakin at niyakap ako. "Tara, dinner's ready." Masayang sabi nito. I kissed my dad's cheek before I went to my chair.

"How's school princess?" Tanong ni dad?

"No significant changes I guess." Sabi ko at nagkibit-balikat na lang.

I heard him sigh. He must be frustrated taming me.

"Pray ka na Rayne." Masiglang sabi ni daddy kaya napatingin ako nang masama sa kanya.

"I don't want to." How dare him order me that? There's nothing to thank about.

"A-ah, dad, ako na lang po yung magle-lead ng prayer." Sabi ni Shayne at parang doon lang nawala yung tensyon na nabubuo sa pagitan namin ni dad. Bakit ba nila ako pinipilit dun sa mga ayaw kong gawin? Hindi pa ba nila nakukuha? Kahit ilang beses nila akong piliting maglead ng prayer na yan, hinding hindi ko gagawin. No one listens anyway.

"Okay, let's eat." Sabi ni Shayne pagkatapos niyang magsalita nang kung anu-anong pampa-banas. Tsk bida-bida.

Ganon naman palagi yung scenario kapag magkakasabay kaming kumain, minsan ako yung pinagle-lead nila ng prayer pero tatanggihan ko tapos si santang Shayne to the rescue and then boom! Parang walang nangyari. Mada-divert na yung topic at mapupunta sa kung paano nage-excel si Shayne sa school niya, kung paano niya nagagampanan ang pagiging Student Government President. Kaya madalas hindi ako sumasabay sa kanila. Maaga akong aalis ng bahay tapos it's either late na ako uuwi or maaga para maagang makatulog.

This life is frustrating. This house, this family, everything is just suffocating.

"You're turning eighteen next month princess. Saan mo gustong ganapin ang debut mo?" Tanong ni mommy. Princess ang tawag nila sakin tapos baby kay Shayne kaya hindi naman mahirap idistinguish kung sino yung kinakausap nila.

"Wala. I don't want to celebrate it anyway." Sabi ko saka uminom ng tubig.

"But why? It's your birthday and you'll be an adult by then. Ayaw mo bang i-celebrate yon?" How could I celebrate my birthday if that's my hatest day? That would kill me kaya umiling ako at ipinagpatuloy ang pag-kain kahit wala akong gana.

"What about the death anniversay of kuya?" I asked para maiba naman yung topic, since parang kinalimutan na talaga nila si kuya. Seems like they forget him already.

"None." None? Napatawa ako. Oo nga naman, bakit nga naman nila pagkakaabalahang alalahanin yung wala na e busy nga silang mabuhay?

"Seems like you've forgotten him already." I smiled bitterly. Maybe when I die, even yung first death anniversary, hindi nila aalalahanin. Tumayo na ako at akmang aalis na sa dining area nang magsalita si daddy.

"Hindi naman ibig sabihin na dahil walang ceremony hindi na siya naaalala. It's just that, hindi na siya babalik kahit anong gawin natin. It will just remind us how painful our past was." Ang daling sabihin sa kanila kasi naka-move on na sila.

"Maybe you're right. You don't have to be reminded of the past. Masaya na kayo e." With that I left them there.

Nag-unahan yung mga luha ko pagkasara ko ng pinto ng kwarto ko. Nakakapanghina. Seeing them smile and act like it was just nothing, that they're not affected anymore is breaking my heart even more.

Kuya, bakit mo ako iniwan sa kanila? They're cruel. They can't held a ceremony for you. They can't even remember you.

Magta-tatlong taon pa lang na wala ka dito but they're acting like you didn't live. Does your existence means nothing to them?

They can be happy as much as they want but why can't I be like them? Why can't I be happy?

I'm still wondering why did you left me?

I cried even louder as I buried my head on my pillow. I remembered it again.

It's all because of me. I killed my brother. If I didn't do such foolish thing,

If only I just didn't run away on my birthday party that time, if I didn't let my anger arose, if i just..

If only I am whole that time, if only I didn't break down, if only I didn't wear a gown, if only I was strong back then..

Probably, I'd help help you fought those men. Or probably, you wouldn't need to protect me there.

Kung pwede ko lang ibalik ang panahon, sasaluhin ko ang mga saksak na natanggap mo kasi mas gugustuhin kong mabuhay ka kesa ako na unti-unti na ring namamatay.

If only I could just turn back the time then I would.

I would take you back.