Pinapakalma lang ako ni Chris habang umiiyak ako. Hindi ko alam kung bakit hanggang ngayon, ganoon pa rin ang epekto ng mga alaalang iyon sa akin. Siguro kasi, hindi naman talaga masayang maiwan, at lalong hindi masayang ikaw ang dahilan ng kanilang paglisan.
When I was young, I thought the most painful thing in the world are goodbyes but it seems more painful being left without those. Masakit. Hindi mo alam kung aasa ka pa ba o hindi na. Kung susuko ka na o patuloy pa ring maniniwala na may babalik para tingnan kung ok ka pa ba.
"I.. I wanna go home." I said as I wiped my tears. Naintindihan naman niya agad at inalalayan niya akong tumayo. Itinago niya ang violin na hindi ko alam na hawak ko pa pala.
Sa biyahe, walang nagsasalita pero ramdam ko ang pagsulyap niya sa akin paminsan-minsan pero hindi ko na lang din pinansin.
"Rayne." Tawag niya sa akin pagkababa ko ng kotse niya. Tinakbo niya ang pagitan naming dalawa para lamang haplosin ang buhok ko, "You'll be alright." He assured me. Tumango na lamang ako at pumasok na.
Pagkasara ko ng gate ay bumungad sa paningin ko ang seryosong Nathan na nakaupo sa upuan sa porch. Nagkatitigan kami saglit pero ako na ang umiwas at dumiretso sa loob.
"What are you doing here?" I managed to ask in a deeper tone to hide the fact that I wept earlier. He followed me inside my room.
"I missed you." He whispered as he hugged me from the back. Gusto kong kumawala but I also want to be comforted by him.
"I.. I cried in front of Chris as I remembered it all again." Isa-isa na namang nagbagsakan ang mga luha ko. Hindi nagsalita si Nathan pero naramdaman ko ang paghigpit ng mga yakap niya.
"They say it's alright. You all say I'll be alright. Fvck with that word, right? I will never be the same again, I will never be alright." I continued. It's not alright! Kinalas ko ang yakap ni Nathan at humarap sa kanya. "I'm sorry for being selfish. I'm sorry kung akala ko buo na ako. I'm sorry kung sinagot kita even though I'm still haunted by my terrible past." I trailed off and look straight to his eyes. I smiled at him even my tears are flowing.
'Gusto ko dito ka lang sa tabi ko Nathan hanggang sa kaya ko ng maging buo para sa'yo.' Gusto kong sabihin sa kanya but that's too selfish. Mahal ko si Nathan, that's for sure but I don't want to hurt him just because I couldn't moved on. He deserved all the love.
"I loved you, Nathan." I caress his face. "But let's break up." Bakas sa mukha niya ang gulat at sakit but I smiled once again and headed to the CR but before I could enter, he pulled me closer to him.
"Do you think I'll accept that? No, Jazlyn. I won't give up on you." His voice is already shaking. Gusto kong kumawala sa yakap niya pero parang tinakasan ako ng natitira kong lakas.
"Tapusin na natin 'to bago pa tayo mas magkasakitan."
"No, we won't break up." He said firmly. He don't want to let me go.
"Nathan, masasaktan ka lang! Ayokong idamay ka sa miserableng buhay na 'to."
"Wala akong pakialam kung masaktan ako. Wala akong pakialam if he's still in your heart. And I don't care if you think your love isn't enough. Just don't give up, please." Naramdaman kong unti- unting nababasa ang balikat ko. "Kung.. Kung ayaw mong lumaban, hayaan mong ako ang gumawa noon para mag-work ang relationship na ito. Because baby, I love you. I'm fvckin in love with you that it kills me to think that you will not be the one I will be with someday. Ikaw ang future ko, Rayne. So please.. P-please don't give up that easy."
Niyakap ko rin siya. Gusto ko siyang isuko pero kaya ko ba talaga?
"You will also give me up, someday. You will leave me, too." I wanted to save my heart hangga't kaya pa kitang palayain, hangga't kaya ko pang magpaalam.
BINABASA MO ANG
Trouble Yet Indispensable
Spiritual"If your heart is broken, you'll find God right there; if you're kicked in the gut, he'll help you catch your breath. Disciples so often get into trouble; still, God is there every time." (Psalm 34:18-19 MSG) Christians were not exempted in facing...
