Adamantine

Chapter 20

Try

"I know this is selfish but I only want you to look my way. I don't care if you make me as a substitute."

Parang sirang plaka itong nagpaulit-ulit sa isipan ko. May parte sa aking parang natibag. I never really thought that this has been my damage. Guilty ako dahil naging unfair ako. What can I do? I don't even know what to feel! Siguro ay nasanay akong gamitin ang utak kaya hindi ko na kabisado ang pakiramdam ko. I'm trying to search for something in my heart pero tila blangko ito. Wala akong mahagilap. I want to search for something in my heart that I don't even know.

"Hija?" Halos mapatalon ako sa gulat nang naabutan akong nasa veranda ni Tita Lyola.

"Tita, gising pa po pala kayo," ani ko.

"Why are you here? Saka gabi na ah. May problema ba?" Tanong niya.

Tita Lyola has been acting like my own mother ever since they took me in. She always attempts to make me open up with her.

"Come on, tell me," anito. "Is that a school-related issue?"

Umiling ako.

"Then love life issue?" Anito at pilyong ngumiti.

Lumaki ang mata ko sa sinabi niya. Lumapit siya sa akin at inipit sa tainga ko ang ilang strand ng buhok kong bahagyang gumugulo sa buhok ko.

"It's okay, hija." Anito. "I won't get angry at you if you have someone you like right now especially if it is Lyon. I have also experienced that during my youth."

"Tita, kasi..." How should I start this? "Kasi tita... Ano... Uhm... Hindi ba po hindi healthy ang one-sided relationships?"

I feel like a dumb here. I feel like I still have things to learn. My gosh!

Kumunot ang noo ni Tita at halatang medyo nalilito. "Why? Sinong may one-sided feelings sa inyong dalawa?"

"Siya po."

"But, you're in a relationship, right?"

Napaawang ang bibig ko. "Since when did you know that?" I didn't remember telling her about it!

"Lyon told me," Tita said. "But, isn't it that you said yes to him?"

I can't believe I'm sharing this to my Tita Lyola!

"Well, you see. Pareho kaming nasa situation ng unrequited feelings. Lyon likes me. But, I like somebody else. And that person I like likes another person. Nagselos ako sa taong gusto ko kaya bigla kong sinagot si Lyon nang hindi nag-iisip. Gusto kong bawiin pero ayaw ni Lyon." Nahihiya akong isiwalat ang mga ito sa kanya. I felt like this topics don't really need to be talk about.

"Is Lyon aware of that?" Pag-aalalang tanong ni Tita Lyola.

"Lyon is very well aware of that, Tita. He even told me he doesn't care if I will make him as a substitute!"

"Is that why you cannot sleep?"

"Not really. I'm just thinking... I don't know what to do. Kung pagbibigyan ko si Lyon, things may not work out. He'll end up hurt," sabi ko. "I'm trying to make him get tired of me. I want him to stop so I tried several times pushing him away. But, he doesn't go."

"Erina," malambing ang pagkakasabi ni Tita. "I know you are struggling right now. I know you don't want any of you to get hurt. But, don't you remember what I told you when you lost your parents and you ended up in regret?"

Napalunok ako. Tita Lyola once told me to learn to give importance to the people around me. My achievement and how I made them proud of those wasn't enough. Even with all those achievements I had, never did I show that I am grateful because I have them. I made them proud and all that because once did they called me worthless. I got hurt. I didn't became a good daughter to actually make them proud. Ang natamo kong recognition ay hindi para maging proud sila sa akin. I actually did it to rub it on their faces that I am not worthless. Pero nang nawala sila, doon ko na na-realize na kahit anuman ang mangyari ay magulang ko sila. May pagkukulang man sila ay sila na ang naging malaking bahagi ng pagkatao ko. And I hated it that when they tried to correct their mistakes, I started pushing them. Ayan tuloy, nagsisi ako.