Adamantine

Chapter 16

Ngiti

I looked at the niche of my sister. Bakit ba kasi nila pina-cremate?

Gusto ko sana ay huwag lang e-cremate ang kapatid ko. Parang kasing na double dead ang kapatid ko. Patay na nga, pinasunog pa!

"Alvia..." Lyon was just behind me.

I looked at the silver colored name on the niche.

Helena Sophia Alonte Alvia

"Did they already leave?" I asked while still looking at my little sister's name.

Tumikhim si Lyon. "They will. They said they'll give you time to cool down."

"Alright. Then l, can you leave, too?" Tanong ko.

"I can't leave you here." Matigas niyang ingles.

"Pwede bang sa labas ka lang? I just want to be alone," mahinahon kong sinabi.

"In your state, I can't leave you alone," pagmamatigas niya. "You know what, Alvia? Imbes na kimkimin mo iyang sama nang loob mo why don't you let it out."

"Alam ko ang gagawin ko. You don't have to teach me," sabi ko.

Though, I need to cry alone...

"I can comfort you."

"Don't even dare to comfort me," I warned. "Pwede bang hayaan mo akong mapag-isa?"

"Don't you feel lonely when I'll leave you here?" He looks so calm. A real opposite of what I look now. I'm messed up!

Mabigat ang aking paghinga. "I find loneliness comforting so please just do what I say. Stop being stubborn," sabi ko.

Bumuntong-hininga siya at naglakad na paalis. "I'll be waiting in the car."

I traced the engraved name of Helena on the niche. I stood still until I can no longer hear the echoing footsteps of Lyon. I stood for a while enveloped by deafening silence.

"Helena..." It was almost like a plea. Nagsimula nang manlabo ang paningin ko. Sobrang nanginginig ang labi ko at hindi ko man lang iyon nakontrol.

"Helena, sorry..."

"Sorry, I was not there for you..."

"If only we had talk or something..."

It wasn't my choice to leave her for Cebu. Sa katotohanan, siya ang nagtulak sa akin. I don't get it why she's pushing me to go to Cebu. Aniya pa nga ay kapag gumaling na siya ay magsasama na kami.

I did what she said. Ewan ko ba kung bakit ko rin sinunod ang sinabi niya. I should have stayed, right?

Iyon ang naging mali ko. Iyon ang naging pagkukulang ko.

Hindi ko namalayang tumutulo na pala ang mga luha ko. Gosh!

"Bakit mo ako iniwan?" Tanong ko. "You're an idiot. Bakit mo ba naisipang magpatiwakal, ha? Ang kitid mo! Ang kitid-kitid mo."

Hindi ko alam kung ano bang nararamdaman ko. Galit ako sa kapatid ko dahil nagpakamatay siya. Galit ako sa ginawa niya at galit lang siguro ang kaya kong ipakita. Although, deep inside, I'm just hurt and frustrated of myself. I felt sad. I can only express these emotions through anger. Parang pinipiga nang labis ang puso ko. All I felt is pain... that pain that can never cease... that pain that will never go away even when you drink pain reliever... that pain that would scar you for life... that pain that will never go away.

Alam kong lahat nang nararamdaman kong sakit at lungkot ay hindi na mawawala. I don't pour my attention on it. I ignore it. However, it never heals. It never goes away.