Family is Forever

Chapter 64- I'm not ok

"Zosia. What happened" Ollie looked at her she was still slumped on the floor makeup down her face, drops of her blood on the bathroom mat. She gingerly touched her bandaged thigh and winced. "Zosia, talk to me."
"You're mum. She said I wasn't good enough." Her eyes filled with tears again. "That I wasn't good enough for you." Ollie rolled his eyes "then that's all i could think that I wasn't good enough, for you, for Natalia, not a good enough doctor not good enough in general. And then I remember Ali saying how cutting calms her down and quiets her mind and I was so desperate for my brain to be quiet. I'm so so sorry, are you mad?"
"Zosh, I'm not mad at you, I'm mad at mum, she had no right to say that and she was so wrong. I love you Zosia. I'm mad that you're hurting, I'm mad that Ali is hurting. I'm mad at myself for not helping you, I'm mad that I let this happen but I'm not mad at you. I love you more than anything, you're my world you and Ali, my girls. And you are good enough. You Are a good doctor, a good cousin, a good daughter, an all around good person Zosh. He put his arms around her and just sat for a few minutes. "Come on Zosia, let's get you to bed hey." Ollie helped her up and held her to walk to bed. He tucked her in and put the radio on to try and distract her thoughts and went up the stairs to Ali's attic room. "Cześć Kochaine" he said, he'd got into the habit of greeting Ali in Polish, "how you doing Natalia?" He asked her "better than Zosh," she replied. "Can I sit?" He asked patting the side of her bed. She moved her feet to allow him to sit. She was waiting for her nails to dry. "They look nice" he gestured towards her nails. "Coping mechanism they taught at rosehill." She smiled sadly.
"How are you feeling, seeing Zosia like that can't have been easy for you, tell me the truth Ali."
"The truth." Ali said looking at him "the truth is that I wanted to take the razor blade off Zosia and cut myself, the truth is today has been the hardest day in a long time, the truth is that I threw up the Wigilia meal last night, thr truth is that I have been throwing up a lot lately. The truth is I haven't told you or Zosia because she's sick and you're looking after her. The truth is that I can't do this anymore. The truth is I'm not ok!" by the end she was shouting and tears were forming in her eyes. Ollie enveloped her into a hug. "I'm sorry Natalia, I'm sorry if I've neglected you."
Ali came out of the hug and looked Ollie in the eye.
"Neglected me? What? Neglect is when you're 8 years old and you're in a new country where you speak about 3 words of the language and your mama leaves you home alone for 5 days. Or when you're 10 and there's no food in the house for 3 weeks and your uniform is not washed to the point that one lunchtime your teacher asks you to change into PE clothes and washes it for you. When your toes poke out of the end of your shoes. That's why I was so thankful for Ania, Zosia's mama. She would make sure I had food in the fridge and clothes on my back. She would take me for days out and on holidays. You have never neglected me you've looked after me and I have no idea what I did to deserve that!"
"Natalia, you didn't deserve any of the stuff that's happened to you in the past. You deserved to be loved and looked after. You know that." Ollie said to Ali.
"Ollie?" She asked "is it my fault?"
"What."
"Zosia, hurting herself. If I hadn't of done it, maybe she wouldn't of got the idea."
"Natalia, don't be silly we work in a hospital we see self harm scars all the time. Whatever you've done will make no difference. My mum was quite horrible to Zosh and that's what upset her." Ollie put his arm around Ali's back. He hated that he could feel every little bump in her spine. "She certainly doesn't like me." Ali said. "She doesn't like most people to be honest. She's a snob. I'm going to go downstairs and make a snack for you and Zosia, which you are going to eat and keep down ok."
Ali bit her lip but nodded.
Ollie went down the stairs and popped some bread into the toaster. He sent a text to Colette hey col, what are you up to tomorrow? Ollie he knew that he had to work, as it was Boxing Day he couldn't really take it off. Working unfortunately, since my sister is here to look after Ela. Are you working too? Col x. Ollie knew he couldn't leave Zosia and Ali home alone, he didn't want to get Guy or Klaudia, especially since what Ali had told him, he knew Klaudia hadn't been the best mother in the world but he hadn't realised quite how neglectful she had been. He didn't know who to ask but right then he got a text. Merry Christmas Ollie, thanks for my secret Santa present, I know that was you, hope you Zosh and Ali have had a wonderful day. Dom x
Dom perfect! Dom, you're welcome for the present I hoped you'd like it. Today hasn't been the best for any of us and I'm working tomorrow so I was wondering if you were free would you be able to come round and keep an eye on the girls, watch a musical or something. Let me know Ollie :)
Dom replied that he'd be happy to. When Ollie had made two slices of cheese on toast for each of them he brought it upstairs and found both Zosia and Ali in their bed. They had their arms around each other. "Hey girls."He said sitting next to Zosia in bed and they all ate their cheese on toast, even Ali ate it all. "I'm going to bed now." Ali smiled and leaned over to kiss Zosia. "No you're not." Ollie said, "here," he passed her the remote "put something on for us to watch." She found The strictly come dancing Christmas special. Ollie went to get his stuff ready for his shift tomorrow, leaving Ali and Zosia in bed. "It makes things worse you know." Ali said to Zosia in Polish
"What." Zosia replied
"Hurting yourself it makes things worse....because it becomes the only way you can cope. I've worked so hard on other coping mechanisms at rosehill, from mindfulness to painting my nails. But when I'm so upset, in that place where I need the coping mechanisms I can't think straight and I just need to cut. And then when I've cut, I'm angry at myself for doing it, so I do it more to punish myself then the whole damn cycle starts again."
"I've never done it before and don't plan to do it again."
Ollie was packing his bag for his shift. He went to the bathroom and wiped all the blood off the floor, he got all his razors and Zosia's and threw it into the outside wheelie bin. He found the kitchen scissors and sharp knifes and put them at that back of the cupboard which contained all the random stuff, batteries, string, straws. He left a message with the on call psych to talk to him tomorrow. He just wanted to keep the girls safe, and hated himself for allowing things to get this bad!