Desires

•CHAPTER I•

The mumble of the radio turned to become background noise as I looked out the window. The raindrops stuck to the car window and created a playing patter that soon became rhythmical to my ears. My forehead meant against the cold glass looking past the rain to the large thick forest that sat next to a lake which we were driving over. The bridge had taken us a minute to cross, looking back through the back window of the car only became pointless as there was only a fog of mist that clouded my view. It was like we were driving into nowhere. We practically were.

I hadn't been to Morgenstel since I was three. Even though I was born there and so were my parents and my grandparents, we moved because my father had got a job. Which seems ironic now since we are moving back because of my father. Because of my parents expected divorce and how my mother had a thing for theatrics, he stayed in Oakton whilst we had to move. I had pressed my mother into staying with my father but she wouldn't budge because she thinks I will be alone all the time due to him working. My father pretended to fight for my side but I know that I would have just been another weight on his shoulder so I guess wherever I went nothing would change. But I laugh quietly at the fact that she is no different, although she works at home, she keeps to her study all day. Only sometimes would she make us have a meal together in aid to try and make us feel normal and like the nuclear family she wants us to be. But even then it's too late. The dinners just get quiet and end up being spiral of questions she asked yesterday and the same answers I give her because nothing had changed. Then because of that a tangent of passive aggressive comments will appear about anything to make her feel superior and me to feel bad and want to apologise to her. But I never do because I am not sorry. There's part of me in there that is always valiant and strong willed against her want for my apologies.

The only memories I had at Morgenstel were of my old playroom and even then I could still remember the looming clouds and how everything did seem grey. I couldn't remember anyone either, apart from my nanny and babysitter who I can't even name because they were replaced constantly. I can't even picture my mother in that town. Then I think about it more and it was like she wasn't even there. Because she wasn't. She was too busy in her study. At least that's where I assumed she was. I always pictured her stoic hard face typing away at her computer or shifting some papers in her small delicate hands with the gold ring on her fourth finger. Which is no longer there as I look at her fingers wrapped around the steering wheel.

"Oh stop with that Azra" she says almost aggressively as she glances at me with her blue eyes in the mirror. I look at her with a confused expression even though I already know it has to be something about my face. About my "constant scowl" or "moody pout".
"Enough with that face. It's not like you had anyone or anything back at Oakton to miss did you?" She asks rhetorically but I want to answer. I forced a quiet sigh to stop myself from answering because I know my reply will lead to her mood changing unnaturally. The point was I did have things to miss. My friends, my school, my teachers, my connections, my whole life there. Oakton is all I've ever known. And now that has been stolen from me. It seems like I'm the victim but I don't want to think that because then I feel like I would be really in my own head.

The car starts to slow down as we drive along a long street of houses. I peer outside, it has stopped raining now but I can see that it's damp outside. The dew on the leaves are present and the pavements are a dark grey with some small puddles here and there. I have to admit, the houses are pleasant. They're big, not modern but not ancient either. "Find number fourteen" my mother says and I look at the numbers on the houses until I spot one with "14" that is light grey stones with black wooden posts. The yellow hue of the lights looked homely and welcoming against the blue of the now late sky which I hadn't even noticed.

"There" I say and point and my mother drives the car to park outside the garage. "Grab your suitcase then" my mother says and I step outside the car, where I am instantly hit with fresh air. It's cold and crisp, something that I actually agree with and it feels good to actually stand again. Though I have short legs, sitting in a car journey cramped up for more than three hours were bound to take toll on me.

After stretching my arms above my head, I reach for my small suitcase of necessities as all the rest of my stuff had been brought over a few days ago by the movers people. I take her suitcase out too as that's already a requirement and then walked over to the front door where my mother is stood talking to a late middle aged woman with short blond hair and a warmth to her that I can't help but think if she is a mother. "Welcome home Ms Degrey" she says and my mother returns a smile as they then start to talk about where keys are at. I step past them and lug my suitcase behind me. Looking up at the giant staircase and the long halls of clean floorboard and the smell of newness I can't help but smile a little.

"Well go on then, go find your room" my mother says and pats my shoulder. I carry my suitcase up the hardwood stairs and I walk down the hall looking in each clean and tidy room to see where my belongings have been placed. I finally find it at the end of the hall.

It is a big room with a giant glass window that faces my bed, two doors which I open to find one is a marble floored bathroom and the other is a closet with labelled boxes of my clothes in. I walk over and sit on the wide ledge of the window. I can see the thick dark green forest that we passed the houses hidden in them. Then beyond that seems like nothing as fog has covered it. It seems like Morgenstel is its own little world shut away from the outside.

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authors note:

soooooooooo what did you think? that's my first chapter and I hope you liked it. There's insight to what Azra's relationship is with her mother...
I haven't edited this so if there are any errors, let me know! the next chapter will be out very soon....

-kiim