Desires

•CHAPTER XXXVII•

I shift the plates between my palms and onto the table, adding an extra one opposite my seat.

It feels like I'm back home again. Back in Oakton where I set the table for my father and my mother who sit with light conversation that soon turned into no conversation that turned into the absence of either of them at the table.

The warm light in the kitchen turns sour and I avert my eyes from staring at the plates when my mother comes in with cottage pie in her oven mitten hands.

Jack sits opposite me which I'm not entirely used to. If I squint and block his face from my peripheral vision I can trick myself into thinking the same grey suit is my fathers. But his talk is different.
He's younger and less stoic, I don't feel like I show him the same sort of respect I would show my father. More like a substitute teacher if anything.

"So what subjects do you take at school?" Jack asks before he swallows his potatoes.
"Geography, Music and Art." I mumble and swallow a mouthful of peas.
"Music, that sounds interesting. I noticed the piano." He says and points to whatever a direction. "Do you play?"
"Sometimes." I dart my eyes at my mother, knowing that it just irritates her when I do play.
"My sister is quite the musician, she sings and all sorts. What's your favourite subject?"
I can tell he's trying hard to make conversation and I relate with him so I try my best.
"Probably art. Definitely not maths."
He laughs at this and my mother smiles. She doesn't smile because I've tried to speak more than two words, but she smiles because he's laughing.
"Not any good?"
I shake my head "But my friends are and they help me a lot."

The conversation about my school curriculum goes on for a while. It's the safest first conversation topic you can ever get.
"I heard about the fire, were you there when it happened?" He asks.
I shake my head. "No I arrive just after."
"Awful isn't it?" I just nod.
"Luckily no one was injured though." My mother adds, feeling the need to drop in every few seconds.
"So tell me, Azra, how do you think the fire started?"
He's stopped chewing now and he's looking at me with his narrow brown eyes like he expecting a novel to pour out of my mouth.

"I haven't given much thought to it. I just suspected it was a student who either wanted to not be at school or it was just merely an accident." I say and my mother looks at me..
"But somehow I can't imagine it being anyone there. I suppose the next suspects would be the teachers, or even the head herself."
When I'm finished I shove a potato in my mouth so that he can do some of the talking.

He slowly nods and then gets back to finishing his dinner.
"That's very clever." He comments.
"How's about some pudding?" My mother chimes and stands up, taking my not finished plate away and raking his finished plate too.
"I'm actually really full." I lie "and I've got maths to catch up on." Another lie.

Their eyes follow me as I remove myself and walk out of the dining room and kitchen but stop outside the door, peeking through to be nosy.
"I shouldn't have brought up such a weird topic." Jack says and rubs his forehead like he has a headache.
"No! Not at all! She's just being a teenager as usual." My mother places an arm on his shoulder and I can't bear to watch or listen anymore so I run up the stairs as fast as I can.

I take a shower to try and feel clean again. But I don't. Because however many times I scrub myself, I can't clean myself if time. I can't go back and not meet Jack, to killing Mrs Elm, to moving to Morgenstel or even being born. I just have to accept it, though it's taking a toll on me.

After showering I sit at my desk and start typing up an English essay that I've already written. But I'm trying to pass time and want to put my mind into another place instead of the low numbering chatter coming from downstairs with the occasional giggle from my mother.
I put in my earphones and blasted on my favourite songs on full volume before getting sunk into English literature.

"Oh my god!" I yell as Romeo jump scares me from behind. I yank my earphones out and push myself away from my desk. I look over to the wide open window and acknowledge that I never closed it. Not that I'm closing it anytime soon...
He laughs with pleasure and places his palms on either side of me, leaning against my desk. "What are you writing?" He asks and then frowns as he reads. " 'How does the author project the main characters emotions in chapter 7?' Sh!t, was that for tomorrow?" He asks and I nod.
"You can have this one if you want."
"What? I can't just take your work." He says
"This is the second one I've done. Please take it before I go overboard." I say and he raises a brow.
"Sorry did I hear you just say that's your second one? Second essay?"
"I got bored okay?" I defend myself.
He laughs and ruffled my hair to which I feel like a puppy in his care.
"Wow, remind me to keep you occupied before you start writing novels or rewriting the English dictionary." He mocks me and I roll my eyes.
"Whatever." I hit print so that he can take this essay with him.

"How did dinner go?" He asks, his voice wavering above my ear. I look down and shrug.
"Fine I guess." I mumble and he swivels my chair around to face him.
He bends down and his eyes are at level with mine.
"It was just awkward." I say and try and avoid his eye contact, looking at my hands instead.
"In what way?"
"I don't know...I just sort of felt like he was trying too hard. And isn't it a bit weird, we've only been here a week and she's already got a boyfriend, not to mention who is also her boss."
I stop playing with my hands as he takes them in his.
"Listen, everything's going to be fine okay? He's a nice guy right? If anything weird happens or you even feel weird then tell me. I'll deal with it."
"You're not gonna kill him are you?" I ask half serious.
He chuckles. "No. Not if you don't want me to."

I look back into his eyes. From feeling like I'm the most vulnerable person, I feel protected and safe every time I'm with him.

As a gratitude, I press my lips against his. A long and awaited kiss comes before us.

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authors note:

i hope you enjoyed this chapter, if you did please please vote/comment!

-kiim