Rants and Rambles

The Bad Stuff

Hello, friends.

I am going to get straight to the point today.

I never really talk about the "bad stuff" on Wattpad. I really tend to stick with the funny/embarrassing/irritating/fun stories.

Frankly, I am just not the type of person who talks about the deep stuff. I tend to keep my conversations light and, well, easy and on the surface.

But today I am doing things differently.

Recently at school, and dance, and really everywhere I go, I just feel, well, different. I feel different than I did a month ago.

I feel more aware of the glares, and the eye rolls, and the whispered gossip. I feel more aware of the snide comments and the raised eyebrows.

Recently, I have lost a little faith in humanity. And I have lost a little faith in myself.

I feel like... an actor in a play. I feel like I play so many different roles, and I have so many different personalities with different people. I feel like I have really forgotten who I am.

At school, I tend to be loud and out going. During gym, I tend to be near silent and nervous. At dance, I tend to be in the middle of these.

I don't even know what my real personality is. I feel like I am always putting on a show for everyone else to watch.

But then, sometimes I don't know how to act. I don't remember my lines.

Whenever I receive a gift, I don't know what to do. Am I supposed to open it immediately, or am I supposed to wait for someone else to mention it?

If one of my friends did a great job at something, how am I supposed to congratulate them?

I have forgotten all of my lines. I feel like I have left my script locked in my closet.

But everywhere, I always feel like I am not the person I want to be.

Everywhere I go, I end up being the "bad guy." If I am working on a group project, and everyone else gets off task, I always end up being the one to tell everyone to get their act together and get down to work.

At dance, if my team isn't listening to the teacher, or they are off doing their own thing, I am always the person who has to yell at everyone else to concentrate and give the teachers the respect they deserve.

I am always the one who has to give the corrections; I am always the one who has to be the "buzzkill"; I am always the person who has to be the "mean one".

Everyone just thinks or says, "oh, that is just the way that Puff is. She enjoys that kind of thing. She enjoys telling people what they are doing wrong, and that is the first thing she ever does when she sees someone."

But the problem is, I hate it. I hate being the person who has to yell at everyone else to clean up their acts. I hate being the "buzzkill." I hate being the bad guy.

And yet... if I don't do it, no one will.

And I am stuck in this endless loop of yelling and correcting people. And every time I say something, I feel like my teammates drift farther and farther away from me.

There is this one person in my ELA, math, and science classes. Almost everyday, he says to my face, "Why do you have to be such a buzzkill?"

And every time, I feel like a knife is plunging into my chest, over, and over again.

But the worst part is that he doesn't even realize that what he says hurts. I have had so much practice, and have gotten so good at hiding behind my mask of a smile, that he doesn't understand that I am screaming on the inside.