In the Woods When First We Met

46. Decision

It wasn't more than a few minutes before Gilbert came after her.

He didn't say anything to her.

He just sat down by her side.

Anne stared at the school building. Gilbert stared at it too.

They were quiet.

Finally, still not looking at her, his brows creased, he said: "I wish I could help you, Anne."

"You have helped me," Anne responded after a moment, not looking at him.

"I don't understand you," Gilbert said, shaking his head, still looking at the school. "But I want to."

"That's enough for me," Anne said. "Just that you want to." She tried to keep her tears inside.

Gilbert turned and looked at her. "No, it's not. It's not enough."

He said, "Why can't you tell me what's going on? Why is everyone mad at you? Why do you keep running me off? I don't get it."

"Because..." she felt torn. Should she tell him? Would she make things worse if she told him? She decided to- she didn't see how things could get any worse. "The girls don't like me talking to you. That's- that's why they don't want me to be in their clique."

"Why on earth not?"

Anne sighed. "Ruby likes you. Please don't tell anyone. They'd just hate me even more."

Gilbert smiled. "Oh, I see. So they're taking my sudden interest in you as a threat to Ruby."

He said, "I don't know why I didn't pick up on that sooner. I mean, I didn't pick up on the connection between Ruby's deal and how they were treating you. I always knew Ruby was mooning over me- she makes it pretty obvious." He laughed.

"It's not funny," Anne said. "I've never had real friends before."

"Yes you have. You have me." He said, looking into her eyes. "And I'm not going to do anything to make it harder for you to be friends with them. We'll just have to keep this on the sly. We can split up right before we reach the school- once we're out of the woods, I mean. You go on in, and I'll wait a few minutes before I follow. That way no one will know we walked there together."

Anne shut her eyes. She hated all of this so much.

"And I won't talk to you in school- unless it's necessary."

Anne looked down. "I feel awful."

"Don't," he said. "It's okay. And now that I know, things will get easier, right?"

Anne nodded slowly. "Maybe. I hope so."

Gilbert tilted his head to one side. "That's how it goes, a lot of the time, you know? Once you talk about something, it gets better."

Anne didn't say anything.

They were quiet again.

"The bell's going to ring, and then I'm going to have to go back in there and sit with Billy." She rested her head on her knees. She felt glad she hadn't eaten anything. Her stomach was in knots.

"How has it been? I've been trying to listen. But- he hasn't touched you or anything, has he?"

She shook her head. "No. He's just being Billy...his usual gallant, charming self."

And suddenly she burst into tears.

She didn't even know where it came from. She thought she'd been fine. Well, not fine. Never fine. But not like this.

"Anne," Gilbert cried in surprise. She hadn't even looked close to tears a moment ago, and now they were everywhere. Her nose was running and she was trying to say something to him, but she was blubbering and gasping and the words wouldn't come out.

Gilbert almost didn't know what to do. He got out his handkerchief and gave it to her. She pressed her face into it, her body heaving as she sobbed.

Gilbert lifted his arm slightly, about to put it around her, but then hesitated, not sure if he should. He changed his mind and put it down. But then he changed his mind again and started to reach out again- when suddenly Anne straightened up and tried to get ahold of herself.

"Ruby hates me. Josie hates me. Jane hates me. Mr. Phillips hates me. Everyone hates me. And I can't eat, and I can't do my work, and I can't sleep at night"- Anne's voice broke- "And I'm scared of something I can't tell anybody about. And now I have the whole afternoon...the whole afternoon...sitting with Billy...I don't see how I can walk back in there," Anne said, wiping her eyes.

"You don't have to," Gilbert said, his eyebrows drawn together.

"Yes, I do. I can't leave. I can't just leave school. I can't do that again," Anne almost cried. "This time he'd surely tell Marilla! I can't leave...but I can't go back in there...

"You don't. You don't have to. Let me walk you home." His voice was urgent, desperate even. "Right now. We'll just get up and leave. We'll leave school and go to your house and you'll go in and sit down with Miss Cuthbert and tell her the truth. Tell her everything. I'll go inside with you, if it will help. You'll tell her what happened, and then she'll understand why you walked out of school two days in a row, and when Mr. Phillips comes to her to complain it won't matter because she'll already know and she'll be on your side."

"But I can't tell her," Anne whispered.

"Why not?" Gilbert said looking deep into her eyes, pleading with her.

"I just can't." Anne said. The idea of sitting down with anyone and explaining what had happened to her was beyond the scope of even her imagination.

"Would it really be so bad? Do you think she'd be unkind to you?" Gilbert asked.

"I don't know, I don't know," Anne answered, her face looking like someone trying to wake up from a nightmare. "I can't sit there and tell her. ...I can't tell anyone."

"Could you tell me?" Gilbert whispered.

"You already know about it."

"No, I don't," he said, startling her with the realization that it was true. "You've never talked about it. Not even once. I only know about it because I saw enough to piece it together myself, and when you knew that I knew, then you asked me not to tell anyone. And you- you told me about things you'd heard, things you'd heard from the Hammonds about intimate relations, but, Anne, that was no intimacy. We've never spoken of what happened to you."

Anne stared at him.

"Maybe...maybe if you could tell me, then you would see that talking about it doesn't have to be scary. You could tell me, and then you'll know how to tell Miss Cuthbert."

"Like...practice," Anne said, with a shaky breath.

"Right."

The bell rang. They looked at each other. This had to be the moment of decision.

"You don't have to go in there," Gilbert reminded her.

Anne took a deep breath. "I'll be okay," she said. "I have you."