In the Woods When First We Met

56. Ways

"Why don't you start with your list of ways I could tell them," Anne said. "I believe I'll be able to shut those down faster."

Gilbert smiled. "Fine."

He looked down at his paper.

"Okay, my first one is, you don't even have to plan anything to say. No speeches, no explanations. Just say Billy hurt you. That's it. One sentence."

"And then..."

"And then they'll take it from there. They'll start asking questions about what happened. All you'd have to do is answer their questions."

"Oh, is that all?" Anne said sarcastically. "All I'd have to do is answer their questions? Sounds so simple when you put it that way. No."

"Would that idea work if you didn't have to tell them Billy's name? You could tell them that someone hurt you. They'll ask who, but you don't have to lead off with that."

"Next," she said flatly, her eyebrows raised.

Gilbert, seeing her face, looked back at his paper and moved on.

"You could write a letter and give it to them. I think you must be a good writer, and you said you like writing-"

"But not writing that!"

"I know, and it won't be fun, but my point is, you express yourself well in words, don't you? Writing things down helps. It might be a good way to handle this."

Anne looked unconvinced.

"You could even ask them to wait to read it till after you've gone to school. That will give them some time to adjust to the news before they see you again."

"It would make it easier," Anne began, "If they couldn't open it till I left."

But then she felt an involuntary shudder go through her shoulders. "No, no. I'd feel absolutely sick all day, thinking about them waiting on me to come home...the way their faces might look when I walk through the front door..."

Then she shook her head decidedly. "It's no good anyway- There's too much permanency in letters. Once someone has your words written down, they get to keep a littlepiece of you forever."

Gilbert had never thought of that...someone forever having a part of you because they had your words...He found Anne's perspectives on life intriguing.

"Well, how about just writing a letter as practice, but talking to them in person? It might help to write things down, even if you never show it to anybody. You could even write on your slate, because you can erase it when you're done."

Anne bit her lip. "This whole thing isn't a good idea."

"Okay. Moving on," Gilbert said, undeterred. "Ask them to sit down with you one evening, and begin by telling them that you want to talk to them about something, but you're too scared. Open with that line- that you're scared- I think that's a good move, because if they're worrying about you being scared, they'll be less likely to react negatively."

"I couldn't," Anne said. "I couldn't possibly."

Gilbert sighed. "Okay. Well maybe...maybe that feels like a production. You don't have to sit them down and announce it to them. You don't even have to tell both of them. Who are you closer to?"

"Matthew," Anne said immediately.

"Then go to him- at a time when he's by himself, and somewhere private. You tell him, and leave it to him to tell Miss Cuthbert."

Anne looked upset. "I can't tell Matthew. I fear it might break his heart to hear that someone did something like that to me. I can just imagine his devastated countenance. He loves me so much...so wonderfully...more than anyone ever has..."

She looked at Gilbert, a profound realization forming: "I always thought it would be a glorious thing to be loved so tenderly by someone, and to feel free to love them back just the same, but...I never thought about the other side of the coin."

"What do you mean?" Gilbert asked.

Anne said, "Once you know you love someone, all you want is to protect them from pain."

Gilbert looked into her eyes. "I know."

Anne's eyes filled with tears as she continued, "I don't want to tell him something that's going to burden him."

"Would it be better, then, to go to Miss Cuthbert first and let her tell him?" Gilbert asked.

"It wouldn't be like telling Matthew, that's for certain. I don't mean to say she doesn't love me," Anne rushed on. "But she's more..." she trailed off, sighing. "Matthew would be terribly sad, but...I'm afraid Marilla would just be angry with me."

She shook her head. "Maybe I'm a coward. Not facing her because she might be angry with me. If she's going to yell at me, if she's going to blame me for starting the whole thing, it'll be my cross to bear."

"She'd be wrong, Anne," Gilbert said instantly. "If you do- if she is- don't let it upset you. You did not deserve what happened to you, no matter what you said."

Anne just stared at him.

"I still have more ways, ok? We'll find a way that works," Gilbert told her, trying to sound more confident than he felt.