In the Woods When First We Met

115. Plans

Author's Note (a bit long, sorry, but you can scroll past it if you want!) but I wanted to say that I thought Anne's worry over having a baby would be just a couple chapters and then moving on. But as I've been writing this story, I've been sort of forced to really go through everything again, and the more I think about what that time was like for me, I realized it WASN'T something "dealt with and moved on". It was weeks of sickening worry, and that doesn't just "go away" in a chapter or two.

I realize how stupid it sounds to plan to run away if you find out you're pregnant...But that's what I wanted to do, if I was pregnant, my plan was "I'm running away". I had no plan beyond that.

Anne has to think about what happens to a baby you leave it at a church because that's what a lot of girls did back then. Today we don't really have that but we have something similar...I vividly remember going to the library to look online- I couldn't look this up at home because what if my parents might somehow see my search results- so I'm hiding in a corner by myself looking to see if my state had safe haven laws; laws are different in various states, but basically safe haven laws mean you can go to the police, but you don't have to tell them your name, and they will take the newborn baby and you won't be in trouble for leaving it.

This was terrifying to me, because even though I did not want to get pregnant from the boy who raped me, I didn't think I could hand over a newborn and just go on with life as if nothing had happened?? ...But I didn't know what else to do.. Luckily I did not get pregnant and all those weeks of gut wrenching worry were for nothing.

Anne has Gilbert to bounce things off of and help figure out what to do. I didn't. Those weeks were awful, and remembering it still sucks, and I needed to write through that. So I did. But here is the great thing. When thinking about things to write in my chapters, I have cried, and sometimes WHILE I'm writing, I have cried, but once I finish writing a chapter, I don't cry about it anymore and when I go back and re-read what I've written, I feel like "ok, I've conquered that". So even if nobody reads my story, it has been a great thing for me to write it, and for those of you who have read it, I think it is nice of you to go on this little journey with me : ) 

Now for the chapter!! 

Saturday was a good day, but on Sunday Anne felt herself getting anxiety as the evening went on. The later it got, the worse she felt.

She knew it was because it was almost time start the new school week. She thought about seeing if she could stay home, like Gilbert had suggested, but she didn't want Marilla to know she felt sick.

...Besides, delaying school by one more day wouldn't solve anything. If she didn't go Monday, she'd just worry about Tuesday.

And Tuesday was already full of its own problems. She heard Gilbert's words in her mind now: This coming Tuesday it'll be six weeks, Anne.

Anne still didn't feel like eating, but she made herself get some food down at every meal so that she wouldn't get shaky. As long as she could keep herself from throwing up, she was sure she wasn't...expecting.

Sunday night she didn't sleep well, thinking about school and wondering what Billy might try to do. Him being nice was almost harder to take than him being mean.

Monday morning she was sick in her chamber pot three times before she went down for breakfast.

She met Gilbert feeling snappy and irritable.

"I'm so sick of this snow," she grumbled. "It needs to melt already."

"It's two weeks till Christmas," Gilbert reminded her. "It'll be nice to have a white Christmas, won't it?"