In the Woods When First We Met

173. Feeling

Jane had to tell her parents the truth.

But she didn't want to.

She thought and thought about how to tell them, but anything she could plan to say felt like such a nightmare that she couldn't bring herself to say any of it.

Finally she came up with a new idea: If she could get Billy to be sorry for what he'd done- really and truly repentant- then he would want to confess it. He'd go to their parents and admit what he did and it would all be cleared up.

She approached him late that night, after their parents had gone to bed and while Prissy was upstairs curling her hair for church the next morning. Jane had just finished her homework at the kitchen table, and Billy was lying on the sofa in the parlor reading a baseball magazine.

"Billy, I was thinking. Anne hasn't been in school for a while."

"So?"

"Well, aren't you worried about her?"

"Why would I be?"

Jane sighed.

Then Billy laughed. "At least with her at home, none of us will get fleas."

Jane could have cried. "Billy, why do you have to be so mean?"

"I'm not being mean," he defended himself. "She deserves what she gets."

Jane pushed his feet off the sofa, nearly causing him to tumble to the floor. "Hey!" he exclaimed.

"Mother told you not to have your shoes up on the sofa!" she said angrily. "Now you listen to me, Billy. You've got to start being nicer."

"You made me be nice to her before, didn't you, and you found out she doesn't like that."

Jane was quiet.

Then she said, "Yes, but things were different before. That was before everyone knew about...about everything. That's why she's staying home, I bet."

"Well, good riddance to her," Billy said, turning back to his magazine.

Jane snatched it from him and threw it on the carpet.

Billy looked shocked that Jane would do that.

"I want you to admit to Mother and Father what you did," she demanded.

"Why would I do that?" Billy said, his face twisted.

"Because you feel terrible about doing such an awful thing," Jane prompted.

"But I don't," Billy said.

"But you should, Billy. You should feel terribly guilty!"

Billy laughed. But then he said, "Jane, if you tell Mother and Father, they're not going to believe you, so why bother? They'd never believe something like that."

"Why don't you feel bad when you cause someone pain?" she finally asked in a quiet, sad voice. "Other people see when someone's hurt and they feel something. ...You never do."

Billy didn't answer her.

"Billy, you hurt someone. Forget for a moment that it's Anne. Forget what she said about Prissy. Just think of her as...as a person. Any person."

He still didn't say anything.

"A girl, who's been scared and hurt. Who keeps getting sick and crying and all sorts of awful things."

Billy suddenly remembered Gilbert telling him that Anne had blood on her clothes.

He shook his head. He was not going to let anyone make him feel bad for defending his family.

But looking at Jane, he thought he better give in just a little, at least give her something...Maybe if he could pretend to have a little remorse, Jane would decide that she'd converted him after all, and wouldn't get him in trouble with their parents.

"Don't you feel bad about it at all?" Jane asked, desperately hoping to find some trace amount of good in her brother.

Billy thought about this. Finally he shrugged and said "I feel bad about hitting her head".

"You hit her head too?" Jane asked, upset.

Billy explained, "Well, I got tired of her fighting me, so I shoved her arms out of the way. But my elbow hit her head then."

Jane bit her lip. That wasn't much. She tried to be positive. Maybe if Billy even felt bad about one little thing, she could get him to feel bad about the rest of it, too. "But you feel bad about something, that's a start! See, don't you wish you could take it back?"

"Sure. If I could have pushed her arms out of the way without hitting her head, I would have."

Jane stared at him helplessly. "That's not feeling bad about what you did! That's just blaming her for fighting against you in the first place!"

"Look, Jane, I didn't mean to hit her head, it just happened. And it wouldn't have happened if she hadn't been pushing on me. So she brought it on herself."

Jane didn't respond. She just shook her head and went upstairs to get ready for bed. There was no hope of Billy feeling repentant and admitting what he'd done. She'd have to do it herself. And she would. There could be no more delay, she'd have to tell them tomorrow.

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