In the Woods When First We Met

82. Forgive Us Our Trespasses

As Matthew, Marilla, and Anne filed into their pew and sat down, Anne looked over to where Gilbert sat. He gave her an inconspicuous wave and she smiled at him in return.

As church began, the sounds of the organ playing swept Anne away and made her forget.

She was especially happy that the final song before the sermon started was her new favorite: How great thou art.

Anne sang, "Oh Lord my God," She thought it would have been better if it started out "gracious heavenly father", but the song was beautiful to her, so she could overlook that part.

She went on, the words giving her goosebumps, "When I, in awesome wonder, consider all the worlds thy hands have made..."

Then she sang out beautifully, finding the words to be most romantical: "I see the stars, I hear the rolling thunder. Thy power throughout the universe displayed, then sings my soul..."

When the song was over, she sat down again, feeling light and happy.

Now, she thought, it's time for some theatrical entertainment.

The reverend came up and began, "Today we will continue our study of the Lord's Prayer. Many of you have had questions about the fourth line, in which we are told to forgive trespasses. A question that often comes up is, what exactly does it mean for someone to trespass against us? A trespass is simply any wrongdoing or any debt owed..."

Anne wasn't listening. She hoped the reverend would become more impassioned, to make things interesting. Him droning on about what we ought to do and ought not to do was not as interesting to her as him becoming dramatic. She didn't like his gloom and doom approach to things, but at least it made the sermon dramatic and exciting.

Now she was gazing around at the church, seeing if there were any new hats in the congregation. I wish I could have a new hat. A big one, with a pink silk ribbon that ties in a bow in the back, and pink roses around the brim- but she stopped herself, sadly thinking that no matter how beautiful it would be, she could never wear pink due to her awful red hair.

She stopped looking at hats and began looking at the details of the stained-glass window on the wall behind the reverend. I wonder how stained glass is made. I wonder how they turn the glass into different colors. Is it dye? I once knew someone who was a glass-blower, but I never saw him working. I wish I could see one working, it would be most thrilling to watch the glass being made. I wonder how they can cut the glass so perfectly into all those little shapes to fit together-

The reverend's words grabbed her attention away from the stained-glass window. "In the book of Matthew we learn that if we are to be forgiven, we must also forgive others," he said.

Anne bit her lip. She was listening now.

"If we expect to enter into the glory of heaven, we must be sinless in the presence of God." The reverend stated.

Ok, Anne thought.

"And of course, no matter how much we aim for perfection, we can never truly be perfect."

Isn't that the truth, Anne agreed. I've done ever so many wrong things. Nothing too bad. But still...

"But Christ is here to forgive us of all of our sins!"

Well, that's good, then, Anne thought.

"So that we may be considered sinless because Christ has taken our burden for us...we need only ask for His divine grace," he went on.

Anne liked the way "divine grace" sounded and filed it away in her mind for later use.

She wondered if God was keeping track of all the bad things she'd ever done, like tally marks on a blackboard. The reverend made it seem as if God could erase them, if only she'd thought to ask. She thought of when she prayed at night, as Marilla had taught her to do. Her prayers began by thanking God for things he'd given her, but she had to admit the majority of her prayers were about what she wanted God to do for her. She couldn't remember the last time she'd asked God to forgive her wrongs.

"But," the reverend went on, "It is not enough to ask Christ to forgive us for our sins. We must also be willing to forgive others for the trespasses they have committed against us. If we cannot forgive others with our whole heart, then we must not expect Christ to forgive us of our own sins."

He quoted, "Matthew writes, in chapter 6, for if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses."

So there's a catch, Anne thought. Her own sins couldn't be forgiven if she refused to forgive people who'd wronged her?

She felt a rock in the pit of her stomach. She knew Billy had trespassed against her. Could she forgive him? She didn't want anything to do with him. Did forgiveness mean she had to be...all right with him? That things were just supposed to go back to how they'd been before? She didn't think she could do that.

The reverend clarified, "Forgiveness does not mean the relationship is healed. Forgiveness may not even mean a continued relationship at all. Forgiveness simply means you have released that person from owing you a debt, and that you no longer carry ill will toward them."

Okay, Anne thought, I can do that. I don't want any relationship continued, and I don't think he owes me anything...do I? All I really want is for him to go away and never come back. Is that carrying ill will toward him? I mean, it isn't as if I want him to die or anything...well, I ought to be honest, I don't always want him to die, but some of the time I do...ugh, mostly I just want him to go away. ...Although...I suppose I did wish him harm when I hoped he'd get very sick and stay out of school for a long time...

She went back to listening to the reverend. "However, you must seek to see the goodness in a person underneath the evil mask, and in your heart you should want only good things for them."

Well, that's that, then- I'm done for. Anne thought sadly. Knowing she couldn't do it, she let her attention wander over to the stained-glass window again. It was a picture of Jesus surrounded by children. They all looked happy.

I won't be there, Anne thought rather dejectedly. Because I won't be forgiven until I forgive Billy, and I can't do it. ...I can get on board with the part about not wishing any ill will toward him, I think...I'm not even quite sure if I can manage that, but I can try...but as for the part about seeing the goodness in a person...and wanting good things for them...no. I'm done for.

She stopped listening to the sermon again and thought about communion.

Communion was meant to be a time of contrition: a time to confess your sins to Christ, and ask for his forgiveness.

You shouldn't take it until you've made yourself right with God, Anne thought sadly.

When the communion glasses were passed, Anne didn't take one.