In the Woods When First We Met

165. In Gilbert's Thoughts

Gilbert's walk home was happier than his walk to Green Gables had been. Anne was talking to him again. And best of all, she'd forgiven him. Despite all the troubles still ahead, everything was better because he was back in her good graces.

He wondered what the future held, though, and as he walked home, his mind was full of thoughts: Will she come back to school? Can she come back? Billy's still there...how can they both be at school at the same time?

Of course they've been at school together for weeks, he realized. But now that things are out, how is she supposed to face him every day?

It's not fair...Billy should be the one to leave, not Anne.

Gilbert's jaw clenched, as it did whenever Billy was in his thoughts.

And he wondered: If she can't come back to school because she can't face Billy, then what'll she do?

He knew how much value she placed on getting an education.

She said she wanted to be a teacher...this can't be the end of school for her.

I hope the Board of Education will be quick about answering my letter...I'd feel better if I knew whether a person can still sit for matriculation exams even if they can't actually attend school...at least then I'd know if she has other options available to her.

And- he thought with a sinking feeling- avoiding Billy isn't the only reason she can't come back to school...

He remembered what Anne had said a few weeks ago when they'd sat at his kitchen table trying to come up with a plan: "It's nice; you trying to make it all work out...but I don't think they let a girl whose had a baby just go back to school as if nothing's happened..."

He kept telling her there was no baby, but standing on the Cuthbert's front porch she'd nearly cried saying she had a bad feeling about it.

The truth was, Gilbert himself was struggling to keep in mind that the baby wasn't definite: For some reason he'd gotten it into his head that Anne was having a baby, probably because everyone around him kept repeating it as if it were fact.

We don't know anything yet, he reminded himself. And...and if there is, it won't matter...it'll be okay.

Mr. and Miss Cuthbert know what happened now.

They'll understand.

They're not going to blame her if one does come.

They'll help her get everything she'll need for it.

And Anne knows how to take care of babies...she's got lots of experience there.

He took a deep breath.

Everything will be ok, he repeated. He shook his head, knowing how ridiculous that sounded, but he had to tell himself that anyway.

And that's what he'd have to tell her, too.

He walked on through the snow.

He really wished everyone would forget about all this marriage talk. He didn't expect Ruby to, of course- she was having too much fun planning weddings- and probably even more fun considering herself to be noble and sacrificial- but he hated that Ruby had said of her mother: She said that it doesn't really matter who marries her, as long as someone marries her before that baby arrives!

Would other people in town feel that way too? Would they truly be as horrible to her as Anne feared they would?

The idea of her having to marry Billy was unthinkable- and he knew that no matter how much social pressure there was, the Cuthbert's would never allow it- thank heaven- but Gilbert thought it was ridiculous that Anne should be pushed into marriage with any boy at this point in her life.

And he didn't even mean her young age- although of course that was part of it, too.

But really- he thought, shaking his head- pushing marriage on a girl who's been violently attacked seems...cruel. She's just had an unimaginable encounter with a boy, but now people expect her to enter into a lifetime commitment with one, to live alone together, to share a bed? No, it's...it's asinine to put that kind of expectation on her.

Marriage is forever, he thought. And right after you've gone through an emotional ordeal is a terrible time to have to make decisions about forever.

Anyway, he thought, I don't see the point of marriage to save your reputation, either. If a girl of only thirteen marries quickly and delivers a baby only six months later, everyone's going to know that baby was out of wedlock. So isn't it really just an "open secret"?

...Yet I know the townsfolk will all just smile and nod and pretend everything was on the up and up- and then they'll all whisper about her behind closed doors...

The falseness of it all made Gilbert sick.

He shook his head to himself. When it comes to saving her reputation, Anne hasn't done anything wrong. She didn't soil her reputation- someone else did.

So the best thing for a young girl in her situation was to stay with her parents, for them to shelter her and help her grow up- she was still a child herself- and make sure she still got an education despite having a baby.

And then someday, when she felt ready to think about marriage, she would.

But he'd let people think what they want. Who cares if people think we're getting married? If it makes them feel less badly toward Anne, then fine.

He walked on a ways, his mind clear and his feelings settled.

But then a terrible thought occurred to him.

Sometimes women died in childbirth.

Grown up women. Strong, healthy women.

His own mother hadn't made it through his birth.

Anne was so young.

What if she couldn't take it and something happened to her?

He began to feel panic rising in his chest. Maybe...maybe they can take her somewhere...they could find out where the very best doctors are...in the city...and she could deliver the baby in a hospital instead of at home...

He tried to convince himself that if she went to a hospital then nothing bad could happen to her.

But he knew the risks, and they far outweighed any reassurances he could give himself.

He thought of Billy. If you force yourself on a girl against her will and then she dies delivering your baby...you ought to be charged with murder.

I'd kill him.

The thought pushed its way into Gilbert's mind.

I'd play judge, jury, and executioner all by myself. I'd kill him with my bare hands and I wouldn't even think twice about it.