In the Woods When First We Met

86. Sweetness and Light

"One more day of Billy being less like himself and more like a human being," Anne said with relief in her voice as they walked home on Tuesday. "Hopefully he'll stay that way."

"Yeah, something must be wrong with him. He's acting...normal." Gilbert said with a bit of a laugh. Then he said, sounding serious, "I felt so bad for Moody when Mr. Phillips told him he wished they still used dunce caps in schools."

"I don't know why he has to be so mean," Anne said. "I'd really like to ask him why he became a teacher since he clearly hates children."

"Well if you ask him...maybe wait till your last day of school to ask."

Anne laughed.

"How's it going with the girls?" He asked her. "You've eaten lunch with them a couple times now. Are things better?"

"It's still a work in progress. Even though they let me back in their lunch corner now, I still don't feel that I'm truly a part of things. I've been trying not to talk very much...I've always found it extremely challenging to keep every thought from spilling out, but I'm doing the very best I can, because I realized that if you don't say anything then you can't say anything wrong." She looked unhappy about this, but then she brightened up, saying, "At least I know Diana likes me. She's still trying to get the girls to like me too." She frowned. "I hope she can...I didn't think it would take so long."

"Diana's a nice girl. And the other girls like her a lot. If anyone can get you in, it's her." Gilbert said confidently.

"You know, I hate keeping things from Diana. She's supposed to be my dearest friend, and I feel like I'm lying to her by not telling her what's going on with me in all of this."

"There's nothing stopping you from telling her," Gilbert said. "There's nothing stopping you from telling anyone."

Anne looked at him. "Yes there is. It's not something I can talk about."

"...Anne, you have nothing to feel embarrassed about."

"Don't tell me how to feel," Anne said hotly.

Gilbert held his breath a moment then let it out. "Okay. Okay. You're right. I'm sorry. I have no right to tell you what you should or shouldn't feel."

Anne looked like she felt bad that she'd snapped at him.

"Anyway," she went on, "That wasn't what I meant. I want to tell Diana, but..."

"Diana can tell the difference between a juicy piece of gossip and what is a serious issue. She'll care, and she won't say anything hurtful."

"Oh, I know," Anne said. "I know I can trust her to care about it. Of course I can. But...she might think she's helping me by telling, you know?"

"Then she'd be doing the right thing. It's what I should have done from the beginning," he said.

"No, it's not!" Anne told him angrily.

"Well, telling a parent seems like the caring thing to do, to me," he continued. "I don't think I've done you any good by helping you hide it."

"But I don't want anyone to know. I didn't even want you to know! If it had been possible to keep it from you, I would have. ...And Gilbert Blythe, if you decide to tell someone, I will never speak to you again!"

"I'm not," he said. "I told you I wouldn't, didn't I? But to be honest, I think I made the wrong decision. If Diana thinks she'd be helping you by telling an adult, she'd be handling it the right way."

Anne shook her head. "It's too much. The more people who know, the more risk there is. I've got to keep this to myself. Completely."

Gilbert looked at her. "People knowing isn't a bad thing...it's not as if everyone has to know. Just your family is all."

"That's not true," Anne pointed out. "If Matthew or Marilla know, then they're going to have to do something about it. They'll confront the Andrews, and then they'll know...and they certainly won't believe it...they'll tell everyone I'm just spreading lies, and everyone at school is going to find out- quickly, I'm sure...."

"Would that really be so bad?" He asked. "If all of that happens, at least maybe you wouldn't have to see Billy every day."

"I don't want them to pull me out of school. I have to go to school. I don't want to grow up knowing nothing but how to clean an oven and bake a pie!" She looked angry. "School is paramount to my future."

"I don't think they would pull you out of school," he said. "Maybe Billy would leave school. That would be good, wouldn't it? You wouldn't have to worry about him every day."

Anne looked skeptical. "Yes, the Andrews, a prominent, respectable family who's been in this town probably for generations, would pull their son out of school so that the unwanted orphan feels better. That's likely."

"You're not an orphan anymore," he told her seriously. "You have a family. And you're certainly not unwanted."

His words made Anne feel better. Then she said, "Anyway, I want to tell Diana, but in a way I don't. She is sweetness and light, and I don't want to taint her."

"Anne..." he sounded like he didn't even know how to respond to that.

"She's pure perfection," Anne said wistfully, feeling she could never be as beautiful and beloved as Diana.

Gilbert said, "Don't put her on a pedestal. Diana's a nice girl, and I know you like her hair and her dresses, but...what did you call her? 'Sweetness and light'?"

Anne nodded unhappily.

"And why do you think you're anything less than 'sweetness and light'?"

Anne stared at him. "You truly cannot comprehend the enormous difference between plain old Anne and darling, exquisite Diana?!"

He went on, "You don't need raven black hair and...and...fluffed sleeves, to be-"

"Puffed sleeves," Anne corrected.

He laughed. "Ok, puffed. Maybe Diana needs all those things to be 'sweetness and light'. Maybe without them she'd be nothing. But you don't. You're that all by yourself."