In the Woods When First We Met

48. Belief

"I am not afraid of you," she said, surprised at how steadily the words came out. She had thought her voice would shake, but it hadn't.

She looked at Gilbert.

...Anne never seen anyone look so proud of her in all her life. She gave him a small smile back.

"I've been slacking, then. I'll have to try harder." Billy laughed and put his pen away.

Before Anne could respond to that, Mr. Phillips called the class to attention.

She was glad class was resuming, because she didn't know what to say in response to his statement.

Not that she wanted the conversation to continue anyway.

She closed her bottle of ink. She wanted to throw the whole thing out. It's not ruined, she told herself. Just because he put his pen in it doesn't make it ruined. It's still perfectly good ink, and I'm going to use it to write beautiful stories. He can't stop me.

It was a lie, of course; not being scared.

It wasn't quite as bad here in school. She felt shaken, but she knew that he couldn't do anything to her- not really, anyway- while they were in school surrounded by other people.

But she hated having to see him at all. When she looked at him, she relived everything. Avoiding his eyes- which she couldn't do because it was a sign of weakness- didn't help. She didn't have to avoid his eyes, it didn't matter where she looked. Even seeing his arms made her feel like she was trapped.

And she felt sick at the thought that maybe he was reliving it, too. When he looked at her, what was he thinking? Did he remember the way she'd cried and find it to be a happy memory?

It was the thought of encountering him alone that she feared the most: It was why she couldn't go anywhere by herself, why she couldn't face the woods, why she had to be watchful at lunchtime. She was afraid.

But he couldn't know that.

She could not let him see her shaking. Because if he did- if he knew how much he had affected her- then he had won.

So she would cling to this lie, of not being afraid. Her whole life, now, seemed to full of secrets and lies; at least this one was for a good cause.

And- she hoped- it wouldn't stay a lie.

She'd keep saying it, keep thinking it, over and over and over- I am not afraid.

And maybe someday, she would believe it.