Unraveling What We Want

19: Here's the Truth

Emery's view

After I had dinner with Colby, I texted Jordie, "I need to talk to you tomorrow. I need advice."

Jordie texted back, "Okay. Meet you at our usual coffee place tomorrow morning."

Colby dropped my off at my apartment. I got out of the car and gave him a kiss on the cheek this time instead of a real kiss; he looked at me weird, but said goodnight and left.

I moped around my apartment and decided I needed a cup of wine. All I thought about was what Colby said and I felt horrible for the way I acted, but for some reason it caught me by surprise.

I sat down on the counter and looked at my blue Beta fish, Roger, and stupidly asked him, "Why am I so weird? Why am I so sad? My boyfriend just asked me to move in with him, I should be happy."

I sighed and went to go sit on the couch and watch T.V. to get my mind of off the situation.

The next morning, I woke up early to get dressed and meet up with Jordie. I entered the café and saw him in the far corner seated and I walked over to him.

"Hey, Emery. What's up...? You look horrible," Jordie said the second he saw me.

"I couldn't sleep last night," I explain.

"Why? What happened?"

"Last night, Colby said that we should move in together in a few months, but I kind of said no," I ranted.

Jordie looked at me dumbfounded, "What the hell are you talking about? How bout we start from the beginning again," he suggested.

"Okay. Colby said he loved me."

"Okay, then what?" asked Jordie.

"He asked me to move in with me," I continued.

"Okay, so far so good. When did things get bad? How did you react?" he asks sipping his coffee.

"I didn't say anything, I just stared at him in shock," I explain.

"Ouch, that had to hurt the dude."

"Jordie, this is serious. Don't joke around."

"Okay, okay. So were you like nervous? That's normal when someone asks you to move in with them. You just need to let it settle for a bit, and then you can tell him yes," Jordie advises.

I look down at my coffee and stay silent as Jordie looks at me weirdly. "What's wrong? You should be happy. I gave you good advice," he says.

"Unless...unless you don't want to move in with him?" Jordie continues.

"Oh my god, do you not to want to move in with him? Why not? What's wrong?" Jordie questions.

"I don't know, okay. I don't know why I reacted that way," I say.

Jordie sighs and scoots his chair closer to me, he puts a reassuring arm around me before asking, "Do you love him?"

"I think so."

"You think so? What the heck does that mean?" Jordie asks.

"Well I obviously really care about him," I answer back.

"That's not what I'm asking. Do you love him?"

"Um, yeah I love him."

"How do you love him?" Jordie asks.

"What do you mean how do I love him?"

"Emery, I know you really care about him, but I don't think you love him the same way he loves you," Jordie figures.

"What? No?" I say as I look away and think this through.

"Emery, you don't really love him in that way," Jordie says softly.

I stare down in shock at Jordie's words; I don't love Colby with all my heart. I don't have that love that makes me shiver; I don't really have a fiery passion with him. Nor do I feel total bliss when I wake up next to him.

"Being with Colby feels normal, that's as best as I can describe it," I tell Jordie.

"That's all he makes you feel?"

"Is that bad?"

"Emery, loving someone makes you feel alive, new and excited. It's not supposed to make you feel normal," Jordie explains.

"Ugh, Jordie, what am I supposed to do?"

"I have no idea. It sounds like you're in deep shit."

I scorn him and retort, "Gee thanks so much, Jordie."

"Sorry. Why don't you ask Clare what she thinks?"

"I can't. Clare's too busy right now; I don't want to worry her with this."

"I understand, this month will be hectic for Clare," Jordie responds.

"Yeah. Ugh, I think I should tell Colby how I feel, but it's going to hurt him so much. I'm the worst person.

"Emery, you can't blame yourself for how you feel. If you don't truly love him, you don't need to stay with him just so you don't hurt him."

"You're right," I say sadly.

-------------

author note: I'm writing another story along with this one, it's called Chemistry. You should check it out.