Unraveling What We Want

20: Please Understand

Gracen's view

It's finally time. A month has passed by so fast and now it's time I go back home for the holidays.

I start packing my bags, getting ready for my flight back home. I look around my room and it's in a completely messy state and I walk over to lay down on my bed. I take out my phone and look through my gallery and after a while of looking I finally find what I was looking for.

I stare at the picture of Emery and I, my heart starts aching and I start longing to have her arms around me like she does in the picture. I swipe to the next picture of us and we are laughing and it's adorable and I can't help but smile. I keep looking at all our old pictures together and I stumble across one where we are kissing. We don't pay any attention to the camera, we are totally engrossed in the moment of being with each other and I want that again. No matter how many people I've dated, I have never felt something so strong as I have with Emery. I need her in my life again, but what if she doesn't want me in hers? I push that thought aside and tell myself I'll fight for her. That love we shared, is still worth fighting. I just hope I can convince her after all this time.

After a while of moping, I walk over to my laptop and Clare pops into my head. I should probably tell her I'm coming home, maybe we can hang out. So, I take out my phone and call her, the other line rings for a while and just as I'm about to hang up Clare speaks up.

"Hi, Gracen. Sorry, I almost missed your call."

"It's okay, Clare. If you're busy, I can call you back later."

"No, I can talk now. How have you been Gracen, I haven't talked to you in a few months," she responds.

"Yeah, sorry. I've been travelling around Spain and the phone service is iffy," I explain.

"I totally understand. Wow, Spain, how is it there. I would love to go one day."

"It's beautiful. I totally recommend you to come here one day," I say.

"I might just do it very soon then. So, how's school going? Where are you going for this winter break?" she asks.

"I'm actually coming home for the month."

"Really! That's so exciting. We have to hang out!"

I laugh at her excited reaction and agree.

"Sorry, Gracen. Something came up, I have to go. I can't wait until you come back, there's so much to talk about!"

Before I could say anything else, she hangs up. Well, so much for Clare not being busy I think as I laugh at her crazy antics. Then I sigh as I remember, I was going to ask about Emery. Great, I guess I'll just ask Clare about Emery when I go home. I plop back down on my bed and think about Emery again.

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Emery's view

I get sweet text messages from Colby all day, and not responding is seriously making me feel like shit.

A month has passed since he asked me to move in with him and I haven't told him an answer nor have I broken up with him. I know I'm shitty person.

I can't do this to him, I can't lead him on if I don't think we have a future together. He's probably worried sick, since I've been avoiding him for a couple of days, but I have no idea what I'm supposed to say to him. I lay down on my couch and groan out in frustration, then I hear my doorbell ring. I wonder who the hell would come over without warning me?

I get up and walk over to open the door and there is Colby standing in my hallway. I widen my eyes in shock and just stare at him.

"Are you okay, Emery?" he asks with a worried expression.

"Yeah, sorry. Come in," I blurt out and mentally kick myself for inviting him in.

He walks in and turn to me, "Emery, what's going on? You have been avoiding me. Why?"

"No I have not. Well, I actually have been," I nervously blurt out.

"Why? What did I do?"

"Colby, you didn't do anything at all," I respond.

"Then what's wrong?" he asks quietly while raising his hand to caress my cheek.

I shut my eyes tight and sigh out as I move him to sit on the couch with me.

"Colby, there is no easy way to say this. I hope you understand that this is tearing me apart, because you are a wonderful person, but..." I freeze.

"But what? What are you saying Emery?"

"I. I don't love you the same way you love me."

He looks at me in disbelief and looks down at the floor for a few seconds before looking back at me, "What the hell does that mean?"

"Colby, I see the way you look at me and you treat me so lovingly and I know you love me so much, but I don't feel that. I'm sorry, I wish I could love you exactly the same way you love me, but I can't."

"How long have you felt like this?"

"I think I have always known, but I just wanted it to work between us. I wanted to be with you, I want to love you, but I can't.. I'm sorry. All I want is for you to be happy and to be with someone who puts you first and who is completely 110% committed to you, and that's not me."

Colby stands up and paces around and I can see his eyes shine a little like he was going to cry and I understand why he would, heck I had tears rolling down my cheeks. Then he turns around and grabs my hand and holds it gently.

"Emery, I love you. I want this to work. Tell me what I have to do to make this work," he begs.

"Colby, there's nothing you can do. I can't help how I feel. You're perfect, there's nothing you should change or do. I'm sorry. I'm just not in love," I sob out.

He caresses my face and tells me, "I can't stop loving you. I will fight for you."

"Please, don't. Please. I don't want to hurt you," I beg him.

"I can't give you up like this, Emery. We can make this work."

"No, we can't. Please, just stop," I tell him.

"I can't," he says as he walks out of my apartment.

I stay on the couch crying my heart out because I should love him, but I can't. Why can't I?