Unraveling What We Want

14: Goodbye Forever?

Gracen's view

"I've been trying to call Emery for the past two days, but she refuses to pick up," I whine to Jasmine.

"Maybe, you should give her some space to calm down and think about all this?" Jasmine suggests.

"But, I don't want her to think about us not together. I didn't mean anything I said; I'm so in love with her. I don't want to break up," I say as my eyes start to water for the millionth time.

Jasmine gets up from her bed and walks over to me to give me a big hug, "Hey, it's okay, you guys will figure it out."

"What if we can't?" I mumble out quietly so that Jasmine can't hear.

A life without Emery? What the hell would that be like? Probably miserable.

I doubt I will ever find someone like her again. So, I need to fix this, I need to tell Emery how much I love her, how much I am willing to fight for her.

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Emery's view

"Emery, you need to get out of bed and go out. It's a nice day today, maybe this will help you take your mind of off the bad things right now," Clare suggests.

"Leave me here to die," I mumble out.

"You are so fucking dramatic," Jordie says before jumping on the bed, "Look I know you are going through a tough time, but walling in your own self-pity isn't going to make things better."

"Then, what do you think I should do?" I ask.

"I don't know, maybe try talking to Gracen, since you're phone has been ringing nonstop because she keeps calling," Jordie suggests.

"But, I don't want to talk to her right now. I don't know what to say to her."

"Well, based on the number of times she has called you, I think she might want to apologize for what she said to you," Clare adds.

"Yeah, that's probably right, so why don't you call her back, so you can both tell each other how you feel and get back together," Jordie comments.

"Exactly, it's not that hard," Clare says.

I stay still, not wanting to get up, even though Clare and Jordie are trying to pull me up.

"Why are you so against calling her?" asks Clare.

"Yeah, I don't understand..." Jordie suddenly lets go of my arm to look at me closely, "Unless you don't want to get back together with Gracen?"

"What? No! That's not it. They love each other, so why wouldn't they get back together?" asks Clare.

"I don't know, let's ask Emery," Jordie tells Clare as they both face me.

"She's going to stay for another year," I blurt out.

"What? Why?" they both ask.

"She got a job offer," I simply reply.

"Okay, so is that why you don't want to get back together?" Clare asks.

"It's part of the reason. Just, what if she gets more opportunities like that and chooses to stay there or chooses not to stay there because of me? It just feels like we are going in two different paths and i don't know how we are supposed to be together," I explain.

"Emery, no long siatnce relationship is supposed to be easy," Jordie comments.

"I know, but those relationships have the goal of being together one day. And, I just don't see that goal for Gracen and I. And I'm frustrated and horrified for thinking that, but I can't help it. What if we are not supposed to be together? What if by staying together we make things worse for one another? I just don't want Gracen to resent me," I add.

"Well, it seems like you thought long and hard about this. Are you going to tell this to Gracen?" Clare asks.

"If I say this to Gracen, then that's it. There is no going back."

"Maybe, it's time, Em. Someone has to say goodbye for good, or else you guys will keep going in circles," Jordie says.

"You're right...Can you guys give me some space, so that I can call her," I ask and they leave the room.

I shakily dial Gracen's number and she immediately answers. "Oh my god, you finally answered. Emery, I am so sorry for what I said the other day. Please for...." I cut her off.

"Gracen, it's okay. I understand, we let the heat of the moment get to us, and we said some things we shouldn't have and some things we should have."

"What do you mean by some things we should have said?" she asks with a shaky voice. I terried of what I'm going to say next, but I have to do it.

"Gracen, I still think we should not be together, not because I'm angry, but because it's the right thing for us to do," I begin.

"Wait, no Emery, but I love you," she says.

I shut my eyes tight to stop the tears from coming out as I continue, "I love you too, this is why we can't be together. I don't want us to hate each other, and I think if we stay together that's what will happen."

"But, my life is better with you in it," she says breaking my heart.

"You don't know that. We have always been together, but our lives are going in different directions. You deserve to be and do anything you want, and maybe that means you stay there or anywhere else around the world. Maybe we don't belong together like we thought."

"I can't believe that, Em. I love you with everything I have," she says.

"I know, Gracen, and I love you just the same, but for once I think I need to be selfish too, I also need to love myself just as much. And you do too, we both deserve the world. I love you so much, but this is goodbye Gracen. We just can't be together, no matter how much this breaks my heart, we need to live our lives the way we want to."

"I can't change your mind, can i?" she asks.

"No, this is for the best," I reply.

Gracen shakily says, "Okay. I love you and I will always love you. Goodbye, Emery."

She hangs up and I sit there in silence trying to unravel all my thoughts, but it's impossible. I feel like I lost a piece of myself with that goodbye. Who am i without her?

I keep repeating Gracen's last words over and over again, trying to get used to it, but it's just so hard. After a while, Clare and Jordie come back in and lay down in bed with me and hold me tightly for what felt like hours. 

Goodbye

         Forever

                Gracen

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author Note: This is not the end of the book. Do you guys think they should have stayed together or broken up permanently like this?