[[[all of your flaws]]] [[[part i]]]

23.

'How about this?' He held up a flowery dress against himself. I covered my eyes with my hand to hide my embarrassment. It was a pretty dress, just not on him. I checked the price tag, took it off him and hung it back up. We'd been in a dozen shops and had so far found three things. I was weary of how much he was spending. Even if it was things I liked. I'd just get some basic, smart clothes, enough to get me through a job interveiw so I could begin paying him back.

I finally found a Primark. Perfect. A couple of white blouses and some suit trousers, just what I needed. But I took my eye off Dan for two seconds and then found him trying on women's sunglasses.

'Dan!' I hissed. People around us were laughing. 'How old are you? Like, twelve?'

'Kill joy.' He put on his best pouty face and sulked off. I picked up a few generic women's tops, a new pair of jeans and some linen shorts. And then I realised what else I needed.

'Go and get me some pjs and meet me by the tills.'

'Ok?' He seemed confused.

'I need to pick up some...y'know...' I tilted my head to the underwear section. Not only did I not want him trying on bras, but I didn't want him seeing me picking them. It seemed such a private thing to do. Especially with someone you didn't know.

I'd never actually bought underwear. Until age sixteen my mum had bought it and then after that I'd never had a chance to. Steven had always 'acquired' it from god knows where. I could've spent a fortune on all these pretty sets. But I went for simple black and white bras, a packet of girls boxers and some £2 socks. I must hope I'd got my size right.

I found Dan by the tills, looking bored.

'Done.' I told him. I glanced down at what he was holding. 'Is that...is that an old ladies night dress?'

'Thought you'd like it.' It was some vile shade of mint, full length, laced cuff, night dress.

'Did you go in a time machine and bring that back?' I could barely contain my laughter. Was he real? Was this guy actually real? I hoped he'd picked it up to make me laugh but part of me knew that wasn't true. I swung my basket at him. 'Oh my god, you're so not funny.'

'Why are you laughing then?'

'I'm not.' I said, trying to stop my face from cracking. I ran back over to the sleepwear section and picked up a cotton trouser and vest top set. That was everything I'd need for now. Dan paid, as I looked away from the total amount and we left the shop.

'Shoes!' He declared. I looked down at my feet. I'd had these a while, just some black pumps, but they'd do fine. 'First thing people look at are your shoes. Come on.' He linked his arm around mine and we walked down the road. I wondered what people thought when they looked at us. Did we look like a couple? Or just some friends enjoying shopping? Not that it mattered what anyone thought.

I'd never really been into shoes. They all sort of looked the same and all equally uncomfortable. But trainers. I loved skater shoes and chucks and Vans. I was a tomboy at heart, really. Dan was holding up heel after heel, but something else got my attention. Up on a pedestal, higher than the rest, was a beautiful pair of red Converse chucks. I felt drawn to them. But I couldn't. They were more expensive than my entire wardrobe.

I settled for some plain black, flat, but smart shoes. And we were done. We headed back home on the tube and spent the rest of the day trying to write out a résumé. Which proved difficult when I'd left school without sitting any tests and hadn't had a proper job either.

'Name. Lily...?' He asked, laptop open on his knees.

'Lillian Jane Wood.'

'Lillian Jane Wood. Nice name. I'm Daniel Campbell Smith.' He held out his hand and I shook it, giggling.

'Nice to meet you.' I laughed.

'Date of birth?'

'16 February 1990.'

'So you're twenty?'

'I am. How old are you?'

'Twenty three next week. I feel like were learning a lot about each other right now.' He laughed too. 'What did you get in English?' He asked.

'I erm, I don't remember. A C?'

'What about Math?'

'Maybe a B or something.' I lied.

'I bet if you rang the school they could find out for you.'

'Erm, well...'

'You did go to school, right?'

'Yeah.'

'How do you forget what you got in your GCSEs?' He wasn't staring at me for an answer, but I felt awfully pressured. He noted my hesitation and stopped typing. 'You didn't finish school?' He guessed.

'I dropped out in the last year.'

'Ah. Ok. We'll lie. They never check these things.' He never missed a beat. I'd always been ashamed of my failure but it was like it didn't even register in his mind. 'Work experience. I know you said you'd never had a job before, but, paper round? Washing pots on a Saturday in a bar? Anything?'

'Nothing. Steven never-' I stopped short. I didn't want to go telling him too much. In fact, it had been the first time I'd said his name out loud in front of Dan. He shut the laptop, placed it on the floor and turned to me.

'Whatever it is he did to you...I just want you to know that it's ok to talk about it. I wanna help you.' I felt a little claustrophobic suddenly. I knew he was only trying to be nice and to find a way out of the mess I was in. I found myself making sure my arms were covered so he didn't see the bruises again. Which obviously then drew attention to them.

'I...I just, I never had to work, he bought everything, he paid for everything.'

'You never had your own money? You never got to go out and spend? How did you even meet this guy?'

'He...I met him when I was sixteen and he sort of just took over my life.' I sighed. It felt oddly therapeutic to speak about it. Dan listened as I spoke, never interrupting. 'He convinced me to drop out of school so we could be together and then my parents went nuts and I moved away. It was such a stupid thing to do but I thought I loved him. He said he'd take care of me.' My eyes had betrayed me and tears began falling down my cheeks. 'I thought he loved me too but really, he just wanted someone to control.' I brushed my cheeks with my hand. I hated crying in front of people but it seemed to be the only thing I'd done lately.

'Oh Lily.'

'And then you come along and you're so nice and I'm so sorry for ruining your life and-'