[[[all of your flaws]]] [[[part i]]]

41.

I thought I couldn't stay in London anymore. Dan had done far too much for me and I couldn't put him through it a moment longer. Not when I'd fallen in love with him. He deserved better than me. I had to leave so I didn't hurt him. My life was in Leeds. All I'd ever known was being with Steven. I was a horrible person and I deserved to live in misery. I'd rang Steven from a pay phone at the station, my hands shaking.

'Can you come get me?' I asked him.

'Of course I can babe. Where are you?'

He'd arrived ten minutes later and I'd got into the car silently. He beamed at me and kissed me, his mouth tasting of stale cigarettes. I instantly felt repulsed and full of regret. His skin was dirty with faded tattoos covering nearly every inch. If he didn't shave his head his hair would've been greasy. Even his jeans were covered in stains and filth.

I'd made the wrong decision.

The ride home from the train station besides Steven in the car was the longest of my life. I knew that the moment we got home, it would be over. Why had I done this? Why hadn't I stayed with Dan, safely with him, miles away from all this? I could feel my phone silently buzzing constantly in my pocket but I couldn't answer it. How would I tell Dan where I was without alerting Steven? I couldn't ask him to save me this time.

But when we got home, hand in hand with the man I once loved and now feared, the beating didn't happen. I'd rather he just got it over and done with. The feeling of waiting for it to happen was much worse than pain. He sat me down on the sofa and went to make a drink. I looked around the flat and nothing had changed. The same beer cans and pizza boxes were just where they'd been three weeks ago.

He handed me the cup of tea and sat down beside me, his hand on my knee. I couldn't look at him. The moment I did, he would know what I'd done.

'I've missed you.' He said kindly. I knew what he was doing. Luring me into a false sense of security. 'Look, I promise I'm going to change. I'm gonna get help. You know I love you, right?' I nodded and sipped my tea. Please just get it over with, I begged. I sat there for an hour while he played video games, seeing myself reflected in the tv screen. Seeing myself sat next to this monster. I didn't believe for a second that he would ever change. I wished I was back at home with Dan, reading books and eating nice food and being treated with respect. But it was too late.

His phone began to ring and he excused himself into the hallway. I finally took a breath outwards. I could hear exactly what he was saying.

'Yes mate. I can do that for you. £600. Where are you? Ah, I see. Well, come up here and get the goods and you can do whatever you want with her. It's an extra £100 if you wanna do it here.' He gave the caller the address and I tried to stop the tears falling. Nothing had changed.

'Got a little job for you.' He said calmly as he reentered the room. I nodded. 'Get you out there earning back some of the money you lost me.' I nodded again. I hadn't said a single word to him and I could see him getting angrier. 'Don't you think you owe me an apology?'

'I...I just needed a break...I...'

'So you fucked off to London for a month without a single thought about me?' His hand grabbed my hair, pulling me close to his face. I tried not to wretch.

My phone was ringing again, but this time, in the silence of the flat, Steven must've heard it vibrate.

'What the fuck is that?' He swore. I shrugged. 'Who would be ringing you?'

'I don't...I...' But he put his hand into my pocket and pulled it out.

'And who the fuck is Dan?'

'My friend...I...'

He dropped the phone to the floor and stood on it, smashing it into a million pieces.

'You've been fucking him, haven't you?'

'No! No, he just let me stay at his and-'

He punched me straight in the face and I felt the blood pour from my nose. I knew it was too good to be true. I knew he would only last an hour before the anger consumed him. And I knew as soon as this client had been and gone, this would be the end.

But it didn't stop him going for me worse than ever before. He kicked me so hard in the leg that I was sure he'd snapped the bone. I dropped to the ground in agony, screaming out, which only seemed to make him angrier. He booted me four times in the stomach, my arms taking the blows trying to cover myself. He picked me back up from the ground by my hair, ignoring my pleading and spat on my face. The doorbell rang suddenly and he dropped me to the ground.

'Clean yourself up. Now.' I scampered to the bathroom as he answered the door. But the bleeding wouldn't stop and I could see bruises forming under my eyes already. I wiped away as much as I could before he was hammering on bathroom door. 'Get out here.'

'I can't....it won't stop bleeding....'

'Fucking hell Lily, just get out here.' I did as I was told, holding the tissue to my face and walking with a limp and trying hard to stand up straight. I heard him turn to whoever it was I'd be having sex with. 'Shes just had a nose bleed, but I'm sure it'll stop in a minute.' He explained. When I entered the room it took everything I had left inside me not to burst into tears. Sat on the sofa in my disgusting flat, amongst the filth and horror, was my knight in shining armour. Behind Stevens back he was miming at me not to say anything. 'Payment upfront.' Steven told him. Dan dived into his pocket and bought out a wad of cash, his shaking hands.

'First time?' Steven leered. Dan nodded. He began counting the notes. I couldn't believe he was here. But I didn't have time to think about that.

'Theres a hundred extra for the short notice.' He explained. His voice was like that of an angels. I saw Stevens face light up like a Christmas tree.

'Nice one. I think you and I are gonna be long term business partners.' He pocketed the money and pushed me forwards. 'Now, why don't you take Mr...'

'Smith.'

'Mr Smith up stairs and sort him out.' He looked at me with a glare. 'And I'll be back in an hour with the other part of your order.' I held my breath as Steven left. The moment the door clicked shut, Dan was on his feet and wrapping his arms around me. I held on to him tightly.

'Are you ok?'

'Dan I'm so sorry, I don't know why-' I began to explain.

'It's ok. Let's just get you home.'

'Wait a minute. He'll be going next door before he goes out. How did you find me? How...?'

'You don't want to know.' He held my hand and we waited by the front door. I was terrified. I didn't know how we'd get away without being seen.

The neighbours door shut and we saw his silhouette walk past. I counted to ten before telling Dan it was ok to go. He opened the door silently and we crept off in the opposite direction. We made it all the way to the stairwell, seeing him walking down the parallel one across the way. We watched as he descended and got into his car below. Now it was our turn. We ran, jumping dozens of steps at a time, all the way to the bottom.

Dan pointed to his car across the car park, but as we left the safety of the building, I saw Stevens car coming round the corner.

'DOWN.' I hissed and we each hit the ground behind a parked car. I could see the tires go past us, only feet away. I sat with my back to the wheels, trying to breathe. The pain in my head, stomach and nose was intensifying with all the blood rushing around my body.

'Come on.' Dan urged me. I shook my head. I didn't think I could. I was too scared. I was in too much pain. I was too tired. He leant down and scooped me up as if I were a feather. He made it to the car in seconds, unlocking it and placing me gently in the passengers seat. My heart felt like it was going to explode as it was beating so fast.

'Drive.' I told him. He started the car and we wheel spun off. I never looked back. I looked out the front window at the setting sun and sobbed.