First Love

Chpt. 43

|C H A S I T Y|

I stared at myself through my bathroom mirror, barely recognizing the woman looking back at me. My hair was a mess, my nose was runny, and there were purple bags under my tired eyes. I looked exactly how I was feeling---misreable.

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, trying my hardest to calm myself down. I turned on the faucet and splashed some cold water over my tear-stained face. I turned off the faucet and wiped my face with a nearby towel. No longer able to hold in my emotions, I just slid down on the tile floor, crying as I thought about her---Jamie---me and Murk's first child. It's been 5 years since she passed, and I'm still not over it, nor will I ever be over it...I mean, how could I? No mother in the world could ever get over losing her first born child.

I held on to the hem of my robe and cried my eyes out thinking back to that night---the worse night of my life.

Despite how careful I was in my pregnancy, Jamie was born premature and placed in NICU. 6 days later, when we came back to the hospital to check on her, the doctor met us in the hallway to deliver the news that there was nothing more that he could do---that our beautiful baby girl was officially dead. I just sat there on the dirty ass hospital floor, crying in Murk's arms. I was so out of it I couldn't even stand or walk, they had to wheel me out to the car.

Words couldn't describe how hurt I was going back home without our baby...or worse, going into the nursery I put together only for her to never see it. Some nights I found myself in that nursery looking at her empty crib imagining she was lying in there sleeping. I kept that nursery in tact for as long as me and Murk lived in that apartment, and like a fuckin crazy person I would just sit up in that room and just imagine she was in my arms.

After Jamie's death I was never the same again. Some days, I was good but other days---such as days like this one---I was so depressed to the point where I couldn't even eat.

Reaching into the pocket of my robe, I took out my phone and dialed up Shanika's number---the only foster sibling I kept in touch with...the only one I ever got along with.

She answered on the 3rd ring. "Hello?"

I wiped the tear sliding down my cheek, and tried to get my emotions together so I could speak. "Hey...Did you ever deliver the flowers like I asked you to the other day?"

"Yea I did", she said sadly. "White roses like you wanted right?"

I nodded my head, unable to get any words out without bursting into a fit tears. Every few months, especially on Jamie's birthday and the anniversary of her death, I always sent white roses to her grave but since I was no longer in Miami I would always get Shanika to deliver them for me.

"Chas?" She called out.

I opened my mouth to answer but my emotions got the best of me and I just cried into the phone.

"Chas, I know you're tired of me telling you this but you need to go see a therapist. It's the only way you'll get through this...I'm really starting to get worried about you."

I shook my head, not wanting to hear it. "I don't need to see no damn therapist!" I spat. "A therapist wont bring back my child!" I cried just as hard as I did when they told me she didn't make it. "I just don't fuckin get it! I keep trying to wrap my head around it...you got bitches that do all this dumb shit while they pregnant and they still get to keep they babies! But my pregnancy was healthy! I didn't drink, smoke, hell me and Murk weren't even having sex. For the first time in my life I did EVERYTHING the right way!" I screamed. "I followed allll the rules Shanika, so I don't understand why this happened to me....why???" I cried harder. "Huh? Tell me Shanika, you always have the answers to everything." I cried misreably. "Tell me what I did wrong...why didn't He just take me? Why He have to take my baby"