First Love

Chpt. 56

|A L Y S S A|

"I had to do it Zach." I cried. "I really had no other choice."

I tried to take his hand but he snatched it away from me, quickly getting up from the sofa. "The fuck you mean you aint have a choice?" He spat. "You sittin up here in my muddafucking face tellin me you killed my baby! A baby I aint even know I had!"

I just sat there crying as he went on. I've never seen him so angry...I didn't even know he could get this mad with me. The sweet and loving Zachary was gone right now and I was seeing this side of him I've never seen before.

"That was some fuck shit that you did." He said, angrily pacing the floors. "And you lied ta me bout it this whole damn time."

"I didn't lie to you Zach. I just didn't know how to tell you", I pleaded.

"But you aint tell me so what the fuck you call it then!" He yelled, pissed off --- giving me a look so mean that it scared me. "HUH!!!!?"

When I kept quiet, he grabbed the lamp that was sitting on the table and violently hurled it against the wall, causing me to cry harder.

"Shut the fuck up man", he shot at me, "cause you wasn't doing all this fuckin crying when you was killin my seed!"

"Zach, please calm down", I tearfully begged him. "This is why I shouldn't have told you."

He looked at me as if I lost my damn mind. "Oh, so you wasn't go fuckin tell me? Is that what you sayin? It's like that huh? So that's the real you right?" He shook his head, feeling defeated. "Why?" He asked me. "Why would you do this ta me?" He said with so much hurt in his voice that it tore me apart. "Damn shawty...how could you do me like this?"

"You know how my mother was", I said, wiping the tears from my eyes but they just kept falling. "She would've never allowed it, and you know it."

If my mother would've known about the pregnancy she would've been so disappointed in me, which was the last thing I wanted because all I've ever wanted to do was make her proud.

He leaned up against the wall, looking forward---he couldn't even look at me. "So you just up and kill my baby cause of what you thought ya moms was go say."

I looked down at my lap, feeling like shit. "I wanted to call you but you were nowhere to be found. I couldn't reach you anywhere...so I thought you forgot about me." I looked up at him. "And we were young---so young---how were we going to raise a child? And then you was living this awful lifestyle...My mother would've never accepted any of that---the baby, us---she never would have -"

"Nah, fuck that." He finally looked at me. "I dont wana hear that shit, so save it for a dumb nigga....you could've looked fuckin harder to find me...and when you got pregnant you became my responsible, not ya moms but mines! So however she felt about it didn't matter. I cudda took care of yall and -"

"Zach, we were kids and you didnt even have a job. Selling drugs was not a job! There's no way on earth you would've been able to take care of us."

He shot daggers at me. "The fuck you tryna tell me huh? The fuck you tryna say? I would've been a bad fatha?" Then he paused, his face turning cold and bitter. "I bet you wouldn't have felt that way about that uppity ass nigga Dom, huh? Matta fact, how long you known that nigga, cause that prolly wasn't even my fuckin baby."

I couldn't believe those words came out of his mouth...those words stung my heart. "I can't believe you just said that", I said, breaking down. "How could you say anything like that?" I couldn't stop the tears from falling no matter how hard I tried...all of this---the abortion, his attitude, his yelling and cursing, him seeing me as a cheater---it was all tearing me apart and I couldn't handle it anymore.