playing with fire | taerose 🌹

57.

I couldn't enjoy my ramen without having panic in the back of my head.

Could I possibly be pregnant?

I don't want to be. I wish I would have never gone over to Lisa's otherwise I'd never have these worries or thoughts.

I never paid attention to my body. I never paid attention to these sorts of things because...I didn't have to. But I should have been smarter. I was playing with fire by doing these things like an idiot. If I were smarter, I wouldn't have to worry.

I took most of my food to go. I said my goodbyes quickly to Lisa as I exited the restaurant into the snowy side roads. The sun wasn't out anymore. The sky was black while snowflakes began to decorate the streets. I walked quickly, the wind burning my cheeks as it gushed into me.

I just wanted to get home and cry. As if anything else couldn't get worse.

All I could think about is being pregnant. My heart was still racing, my mind feeling like it was in complete shock from the news. I couldn't believe it. I allowed myself to do something so stupid with someone at my age.

I started to walk home faster, my boots trying to dig through the piles of snow. I just wanted to get home. My eyes were filling up with tears, and I allowed the warmness of them to kiss my cheeks.

This can't be real. I don't want this to be real. What if I really am pregnant?

It makes sense, right? I'm such an idiot.

I began to try to control my breathing as I entered the front door of my home.

Namjoon was thankfully no where in sight.

I threw off my jacket and my book bag before marching into my bedroom. I still felt tears releasing rapidly onto my cheeks. An overwhelming sense of dread was coming over me, and it was causing my body to feel stressed.

I ripped off my school uniform, looking for sweatpants and a baggy shirt to put on, and when I had my shirt off I looked into the mirror.

My stomach was sticking out just a bit. I turned to the side, my hand going to my stomach and I bit my lip to prevent myself from hysterically balling.

Is this...a bump? I don't know! Am I bloated? Am I pregnant? I don't know!

This can't be true, this can't be real. Please don't let this be real.

This is a baby bump. It has to be a baby bump.

I don't know what to do. Do I take a test? Who can I talk to about this? I'm freaking out. I'm about to have a panic attack if I don't do anything about this.

I needed to talk to someone. I needed to find my phone.

I gathered all of my strength running out of my room and barging into Namjoon's dungeon. His room was a mess, but it wasn't hard to find my purse that was tucked under his nightstand.

I took my phone out in shakey hands, and I had dozens of messages. Most were from Taehyung. I began scrolling through the cold words he sent, and I kept shaking my head. I didn't want to read this because I needed him so bad. Do I call him? I don't know what to do.

I dialed a number. I placed the phone up to my ear, shutting my eyes as I began to ball.

"Hello?"