I met a superhero, I lost her. I want her back.
It was real, she did things to me that no else could. She was a superhero, my own superhero.
She did those things when in the first place all I ever did was to break her. To make sure she felt the agony I was suffering with.
I remember spatting words of hatred to her face as I stared at her intently showing no mercy at all, not even an once of pity crept to my heart even if there was I wouldn't have encouraged it at all. I was not bound to feel it with her. I didn't care foremost of all- at least that was what my brain told me, even I saw it deep in her eyes that her soul was shattered because of me.
Supposedly I should feel delighted, I saw her so miserable because of me, puffy eyes and tear tainted cheeks with stifled sobs while begging me to just give her a chance. There was this feeling of emptiness, I tried convincing myself that it was nothing but as days went by as tears streaked down her face more and more and frequent sobs were haunting me at night.
She was breaking into me. That was then I realized...
It wasn't a battle with her, I got that so wrong, she was not the enemy. She never was, but I got so filled with these angry thoughts in my head manipulating me. I was the enemy.
The mind could play tricks to protect itself, I was protecting myself by hurting her. Then it hurt me too.
She broke the walls I guarded myself from her.
I wasn't having it at first, trying to fix it and ignoring the feelings that were slowly growing in me. Even my own heart betrayed me.
I remember that day. I knocked impatiently on her door. Pacing back and fort while fidgeting with my fingers, anxiousness was sipping in, I did all I can to fought back. I was disappointed with myself, I resented myself. I didn't deserve her.
The door opened revealing a sleepy woman, in her robe with her hair all fuzzy.
It started two weeks prior to that night. She was no longer bothering me, no calls, texts, emails or anything. I told her there was no words on earth that would make me accept her. Every words that came out of my mouth was so venomous and sharp it I could see her flinching as she placed her palm on her chest while the other was covering her mouth.
She stopped visiting me. I pushed her away, I hurt her and I guess she got tired of me. I expected it though. Finally- I told myself. But I just caught myself imagining a scenario in my head, what could have happened if she did not leave that day. Then every night after a long tiring day at school I sat on my study table, my laptop was open so as my phone.
I stared at them...waiting. I guess missed her pestering me...
Within those weeks I realized how much of a dumbass coward I was.
Then there I was in front of her door in the middle of the night. By the time the door opened, not even a few minutes had gone by I launched myself on to her. Wrapping my arms around her neck and burying my face to her chest, sobbing.
She did not touch me. She just let me.
My skin repelled hers, I did not want her touching me. I always shout at her telling her not to go any closer. I just couldn't. But then there I was clinging on to her for dear life not wanting to let go anymore.
