I exhaled sharply as my hands latched tightly on the door knob with a slight shake in them.
I entered and was welcomed with her face, she looked tensed. "How was it?" she asked setting the wine glass on the coffee table.
I bit on my lip, gazes not wanting to meet hers. I put down my bag and walked over the kitchen to get a glass of water, avoiding her and the topic as much as I could. Light footsteps echoed in a room filled with awkward silence. Blinking twice, running my tongue on my lip already feeling guilty.
"I'm not taking the part" I muttered through a ragged breath, of course this sparked shock on her face and voice.
"What do you mean? You've been wanting this your whole life! Remember when you recommended the book then you said that if the day comes someone's gonna turn this book into a movie you will do whatever I takes to have Amanda's role." She was devastated I knew it.
"You don't get it!" I spat out. She walked closer, eyes were narrowing but her facial expression remained soft.
"I don't because you won't let me understand it..." She paused taking my hands in hers. " This is a dream come true for you and you're just gonna turn it down? what about the preparations you did, huh? remember when you had to pay so much money for your hair? the clothes you bought and you've been working out for a straight month just for this. Come on tell me what's wrong." she said reminding me of how I badly wanted this, how I worked my ass off for this certain role.
"Did they do something horrible to you? what? make me understand your choice." she added, abandoning my hand and cupping my cheek, her thumb was tenderly running on my cheekbone. My gazes lowered once again knowing what may come out from my mouth could hurt her and I was so tired of hurting her.
"Sarah's in it. She's gonna be playing Amelia, remember who's Amelia in the book? who she is in Amanda's life?" I said straight forwardly, her eyes widened and lips were agape. She was frozen for a bit before she composed herself again.
"So?"
"So? really Lily? Sarah's your best friend and she is my ex fiance let's not forget about that. I don't how being around her could work." At this point I was a bit mad, how could she be naive with the situation?
"Stay professional, you don't have to actually hang out behind the scenes. Show her you are strictly there for work and that's all no more extra business."
"Yeah that would so fucking easy," I scoffed.
"This wouldn't be a really big deal if you're over her which you are, right? This shouldn't have an effect on you!" now our voices were raising showing how much we were tired already with the conversation that we couldn't control our emotions anymore.
"(y/n), tell me you're over her." the tone of her voice fell down, shattered.
I couldn't bring myself to say anything, to assure her like she wanted me to. If I did be we both knew I was lying and I couldn't do it anymore. I was silent. The way she stared at me, I could see the pain in her eyes, how she fought those tears from trickling down her cheeks.
"Fuck!" she exclaimed letting go of me, face palming and not knowing what to do. I just stood there questioning why I was cursed to hurt people that actually cared deeply about me.
"You knew it from the start Lily! you took a broken person! how many times did I warn you about situations like this? you never listened and yes I love you but not as much the way I love her. There you go, I still love Sarah. I never not loved her. I always have. I'm sorry."
There was no holding back anymore. I had been wanting to say this for a long time but I never had the guts to be real with her. That I chose to hide this and just lie to her to protect her feelings little did I know what I was doing wasn't protecting her.
"I don't want to fuck up everything we have that's why I was doubting about accepting it." I added. It was true. I didn't want to mess it all up - Sarah's life, Lily and I's relationship - everything.
"Because I know everything will come back, once I saw her face again. Every damn night I am struggling to sleep because even in my dreams, she's all I see. I can't move on, Lily. I can't! I cheated, I fucked it up, I ruined your life!"
This was the breaking point. I scrambled down my knees, sobbing, it didn't mean that I was the one who hurt them made me repellent of pain. That I wasn't capable to feel lost, damaged and tired with all this bullshit.
"Hey, shhhhh... calm down sweetie, breathe with me okay?" How could she be so nice? how could she act like I just didn't open the closet containing her biggest fear and let her be tormented by it.
"I'm sorry Lily, I was stupid... I was weak and I didn't know what I was doing with my life. I had Sarah... I had her then you, all I do is make your life miserable. You're so focused on fixing me that you forget about yourself..." I managed to spill out through heavy sobs, her hand was soothing my back and keeping me close to her body.
"Shh... it's okay...everything's gonna be okay. Don't cry, baby."
I started pushing her, trying to broke free from her arms but every single attempt it was only getting stronger and tighter.
That was until all this emotions that were swirling up in me made me cry out the words "Lils, let go. You have to let go!"
"(y/n)..." she whispered trying to hold me still but I was fighting.
"Let go Lils, do this for yourself, can't you see the damage that I did? Look how thin you are, you keep on looking after me and I couldn't fucking return the favor because I don't know how." Vulnerability struck her and that was when I pushed myself away from her.
"Don't let me hurt you anymore, please Lily. I love you but that love isn't enough for this work out. I will always be the same person you've been trying to fix for almost a year, nothing's changed...I'm a cheater..." I was disgusted with myself.
"You are not...shhhh, calm down sweetie."
"Yes I am, I technically cheated on her, we were on a break but I was stupid, lonely and selfish, I was only thinking for myself and now look isn't this cheating? I am with you but my heart's left with her. I love you but not with my all."
"It's partially my fault, if I didn't invite you in that party and flirted with you to lead you on..."
"Stop. No Lily, don't try to make it your fault to make me feel less guilty about it. I wasn't drunk when it happened, I was still in the right state of mind so please just stop. I can't do this anymore." My voice was totally weak, I had no strength left in me.
The pain I saw in Sarah's eyes that morning when she went in my apartment and saw me naked with Lily was flooding back in my head. We were supposed to cool down, to let each other breathe for a while and not cheat! We were engaged for fuck's sake... she wanted to fix things but it all vanished away when she saw me with another woman... with Lily...
I tried explaining but she wouldn't talk to me. I understood why, I couldn't blame her. I was so broken and miserable and Lily was there. I was tired of myself. She took me and tried fixing but I still ended up being broken each time, now wasn't all different I was still and broken and now she was too.
1/3
see yah in the next update. TYSFM with all the support on this book ily guys :>
