"You still wanna know how I know that gyno?" Jordan asked me as we stood in the kitchen. He was cutting up vegetables for me as I started cooking.
We didn't get to stop by McDonalds for Ava, so I decided to make us some skillet chicken with lemon garlic cream sauce and rice.
"You don't have to tell me." I said to him.
"Why not anymore?"
"I feel like it's gon fuck me up. And I don't wanna have to fuck you up." I responded honestly. I walked over to where he was and retrieved the vegetables he had on the board. I emptied it onto the heated pan and as I began stirring it around, I saw from the corner of my eyes Jordan hop onto the counter.
"When I was twenty and reckless, I ain't cared about much. I was stupid as hell and I would fuck females with no protection whatsoever. I knew how STDs and pregnancy came about and shit but I ain't really thought I would get put in that position." He started, completely not caring about the fact that I didn't want to know this. "It's this one girl I used to mess with on a regular. I ain't really had feelings for her, but we was cool. She found out she was pregnant or whateva'..." he trailed off.
I looked back at him and saw that he was looking down, playing with his fingers. Was he about to cry?
I turned the stove off and walked over to where he sat. I stood between his legs and pressed our foreheads together, making him look at me. Just as I was about to speak again, he continued.
"It wasn't like me and you. We wasn't together, and we didn't have to take any tests because she started showing early. I didn't want a kid and I kept pressuring her and telling her how I wasn't ready, how I was young and I wanted to live my life before I have to take care of a child. But she ain't listened, she was ten toes down ready to do this shit with or without me. I was praying and tellin' God how I didn't want to do that right na'... for weeks. And then one day I get a call that Renee got run over in a hit and run. She died on impact." He shook his head and I heard a sniffle come from him. "That girl was the first female to ever show me the kinda love she did, especially knowin' I wasn't ready to settle down with her. She stuck by me, ya know? And I still ain't loved her like she loved me. Its fucked up because I feel like if I did, she woulda been aight, and that lil baby woulda been here, because I wouldn't ask God to take it away." A tear fell from his eye and a few fell from mine as well, hearing the sadness in Jordan's voice.
I couldn't be mad at him, I instead tried to understand his hurt.
It bothered me that I didn't know this Renee girl existed, but I see why. Jordan is not an emotional person. He would rather let shit eat him alive than cry about it, he would rather argue and fight me than tell me how I hurt him. And I understood him.
I wiped his tears and put my hands around his shoulders. He didn't make eye contact with me as he teared up, instead grabbed me tight around my waist and buried his head in my neck. "I know baby." I whispered, unable to control my tears because it hurt me seeing him this way.
"You didn't cause that Jordan. God needed her and that baby okay?" I said to him, "He doesn't make any mistakes."
"I know." He mumbled in a raspy tone. I rubbed his head and rocked with him while he held onto me. "I want this baby D."
"I know. We're having this baby J." I smiled and brought his face in for a smooch.
"I'm sorry for keeping it from you." He said against my lips.
"It's okay Jordan."
"I love you so much." He said to me, placing a bunch of kisses on my lips and nose.
"I love you so much more."
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W E D N E S D A Y
