The Book Of Abby

swim down

why are all of my songs sad

why do i put it on when im sad

im a fUcKinG iDioT.

i can't really see either so that's kinda fucking with me someone help im sad.

like really sad. i havent been this sad since i've been with blake.

oh lord those same feelings are washing over me fUn.

do i even want to throw away all of those months being clean and fUKC its the sad song josh sent me before we got together.

getting it off my playlist now.

in fact, going to burn everything that josh's hands have touched. that'll be fun, shouldv'e done it with the things blake touched-

oh yeah, he only touched my body, blake did.

okay, later people going to burn myself, get my body prepared for hell.

i just wanna feel something again! whats wrong with trying to help me do that? i can't be responsible for eVeRyThInG in everyone elses life.

i swear to god half the time no one deserves me.

im too good for all the shit everyone has put me through.

---

quin,

where is my big brother? quin? i need you. i need to tell someone everything i'm feeling and have someone tell me it's ok. i need you quin come back. the military can wait for you, i can't. the letters aren't sufficing because between every letter something in my life crumbles and it seems like no one understands.

but you understand. come on. your little sister needs you. 

i try so hard to fix every single relationship i have and it seems to fail. maybe im not good enough for everyone.

maybe no one will notice if i leave. 

maybe you, niani, allie, emma, josh and christine.

i need a big hug quin.

i just wanna know whats wrong with me. is that why no one wants to stay? help me figure out myself. i only want help. i'm not saying completely define myself, just some guidance.

there's gonna be a sad face or two at school if i leave permanently.

quin im helpless come back i need someone to talk to and to help. you give really good advice, your straightforward and you know basically everything about me.

your advice is almost like austins, your just less of a shitty human.

please i'm begging for you to come back. you know i'm not the biggest fan of asking people for help.

i'll go now before i fully self deconstruct myself like an actual fool.

love,

babysis.

---

can we get a rip in the chat for abby here god bless.

but seriously when i get really mad, my eyes will start watering and i will cry and be sad for a while and i am at that eye-watering stage.

and when i'm sad i don't swim back up easily.

sometimes its easier to just swim down.