The Book Of Abby

helpless (triggers)

last night, december 10th 2019 (yes american style suck my dick england) but dad dropped my brother off at moms and dad talked to her for a while and he just walked out so helplessly.

i got on the phone with him and i asked him what was going on and he said he asked mom when he is giving him the divorce papers.

what happened to this time last year? everything was perfect and now i want to end it all. i wasn't plagued with these memories that i have now and i wasn't yk eXPELLED. 

now how many people can you name that's going through separation shit while also in the alternative school? 

i cannot wait for this decade to be over with it just slapped me in the face so fucking much and looking back im proud of myself because i thought i was gonna die. in 2014 after my grandmother, i thought i was gonna die in 2017, and i thought i was gonna die in September. 

being a kid and all your parents did was argue and you could hear it downstairs in the basement stains you. being a kid and having your childhood taken away so you could act like the perfect child to not get on your parent's bad side and you constantly walk on eggshells around them. being a kid and you got spanked for no reason other than dad yelling at mom for no reason.

being a female teenager and being sexualized. being a female teenager being your father's therapist. being a female teenager being the only thing that could hold your family together. being a female teenager expelled and taken away from the only thing she survived for. being a female teenager wearing the Air Force JROTC uniform and being given weird looks because no female can be in the military. 

no damaged female can enjoy life. no damaged female can lightly love. no damaged female can walk around with her head up. 

hearing dad say "divorce papers" last night made me want to hand a noose around my neck and jump off the edge. they weren't supposed to do this. they were supposed to be soulmates.

i try to keep them as glued together in my mind as i can. mom pushing dad out and yelling at him like he is a dirty dog who really messed up. yelling at him like he did when he was drunk. yelling at him louder than the crack of the bell signifying revolution.

i just feel so helpless in my own life right now. 

there are only two stars in my dark void. will and torie. you guys have heard it all before so i won't get into that.

so hope for 2020 to not only be a better year but so i can get 20/20 vision because dear lord i can't see when bad things come at me.