The Book Of Abby

2019

*playlist*

"Karma" -AJR "i've been so good this year"

"Turning Out" -AJR "i'm just a little kid"

"Colors (stripped)" -Halsey "everything is blue"

"Can't Help Me Now" -Rob Thomas "long night, you're unsteady. you don't even wanna be here do you?"

"Nightmare" -Halsey "i've trusted lies and trusted men, broke down and put myself back together again."

"Gasoline" -Halsey "Are you deranged like me? Are you strange like me? Lighting matches just to swallow up the flame like me? Do you call yourself a fucking hurricane like me?"

"Riot" -Three Days Grace "lets start a riot."

[triggers: my life, suicide mentions, sexual shit.]

in january i wanted to die. i sat in my room wondering why my father wasn't enough for my mother. i sat in my room crying after he had his backpack on and the two of them outside bickering once more. i was texting josh- the first person i thought of. blake was at school for another 45 minutes. i just really wanted my boyfriend there with me to hug me and hold me. i was second-guessing what love was after dad almost had to walk away for the first time.

why weren't we enough for my mother? why wasn't my father enough for her? why wasn't anything enough for her?

i was confused and hurt and lost in january. not only were my parent's relationship starting to decline, my mental health too started going down (not swinging.) soon came around the 24th- my late grandmother's 54th birthday. i sat alone at lunch that day.

the next month i was mostly confused in my own relationship after watching mom and dad's deteriorating i took a close look at blake and i's. it wasn't going anywhere at this point. all he wanted was nudes and not me. the 24th i dropped him and two hours later got with josh. i also threw all my blades away except one for "emergencies"

i would come to regret all the decisions later but hang tight this year got worse.

in march, i finally felt stable. i had a pretty decent rep going for me. had some great friends (i still talk to all of them) and made pretty decent grades. we did the battan death march for the jrotc and i almost died. i also almost committed homicide when josh kept putting all 3 pounds of himself on me. 

april is always a really bad month for me. it's always raining and my grandmother's death stains the month. the first part was fine, became friends with austin again, went to Washington D.C. our bus driver almost killed us and this creepy vet with half a foot made me uncomfortable. the second half was hell. josh started to ignore me and i went and found comfort with austin and the 21st came about and i wanted to die more than usual but i was talked out of it. the 30th was austin and josh's birthday and i cried that afternoon before chorus rehearsals. quin was mad at me but he came down anyway and wanted to kill whoever made me cry.

but just you wait.

may was alot better. the first part i was healing and almost drowned (thanks cameron) and the second half i went wild. and by wild, i mean slept until i was rudely awoken and spent my nights skyping austin.