The Book Of Abby

stability

Feburary 5, 2020

clickity clackity

i look out the window and i saw a familiar red truck, i knew he was coming soon- i just didn't know this soon.

i didn't turn around, no, i just kept working. i didn't want to do either. i didn't want to be there or anywhere. i just wanted my dad.

"hey there coach."

there's that familiar voice.

"ma'am?" he asks and he leads me to a conference room. major didn't know where he was going- he almost went into the kitchen ha. 

we sat down in the conference room and he gestured for me to sit down. i was overtaken by anxiety and said some "i think i might cry" and major slides some tissues my way lol.

we talked for 45+ minutes. he made time out of his day to see one of his (i claim) former cadets. we talked about everything. how im feeling, how i moved out of moms, krispy kreme doughbuts and 7/11 hot dogs.

his big thing wasn't my academics. i am ahead in all of my classes, even finished one. but he was worried about my mental stability because he knows how often my mind wanders and how sensitive i am.

it isn't about what i did anymore. thats behind me now. 

my mother.

don't get me wrong, she's my mother but i dont have to be around her if its causing me panic attacks and anxiety and just General Bad Feelings.

major told me to take care of myself and to focus on myself. 

bUT HOW CAN I DO THAT? how do you stop the voices in your head nagging at you to help someone or to do something but you just... you just don't feel like it.

in the words of christine canigula from be more chill

"Most humans do one thing for all of their lives,

The thought of that gives me hives!

I've got so many interests I wanna pursue,

And why am I telling this to you?

Guess there's a part of me that wants to."

- I Love Play Rehearsal, Be More Chill.

i just cant stop.

so much so i crammed for my learners permit 10 minutes before i took it.

and hey, i can drive now. i have my learners.

after i passed it and all, dad and i walked outside and we hugged and jumped up and down lol.

so no major, i am not stable. im like an overflowing sink, a nurse desperately giving a patient CPR for them to survive. im like a child waiting for the moving truck to take my father away from me too during a divorce. im like a broken alcoholic smelling beer for the first time in 20 years.

but im ok at pretending. it's fun. in my dreams i am with will and im happy. i saw him sunday and i was happy. i havent felt that in a while (i put my head on his shoulder and he put his head on mine it was v cute.) and in my dreams im happy too. 

just why do i have to dream it? why can't it be it? why can't i be enough for anyone?

i wasn't enough for will. i wasn't enough for mom. i wasn't enough for josh in a way. i wasn't enough to anyone. 

is this how they will remember me? desperate to find answers?

i've surpassed a year being clean. im really proud of myself right now though.

im ok. im ok. im ok.