The Book Of Abby

help????

so i found quin's letters he sent me in my letterbox and i read them.

i mean they're empty words now but i cried lol fuck emotions. i mean i promised myself i would never burn a letter because;

a.) I WAITED TOO DAMN LONG FOR THOSE FUCKERS OK I GOT ONE LIKE EVERY 3 WEEKS I WAS VERY S A D

b.) i love letters like future husband if your reading this wow me with letters i am living in colonial times pLEASE. letters own my actual heart.

c.) just the fact someone took time out of their day to write me a letter and mail it wows me 

     c.2.) a lot of things wow me.

d.) i don't want the regret of the letters i waited so long for them yk? like wHAT IF I NEED THIS??? WHAT IF IM ABOUT TO KILL MYSELF??? like v sad.

i mean its crazy i still care and i still wanna be friends but im still a little angry and i shouldn't be i know and i- i don't know. that was never supposed to happen. i was supposed to be at his graduation i was supposed to write him letters while he was in more military training. but that can never happen again.

i had to write myself out of the narrative.

because as you write, you often look back at what you already wrote. i think im still trying to comprehend that piece of the narrative.

so uh, if someone could give me some advice on that one, it would be nice. because i'm thinking of holding onto his letters while he was in basic training (bc my fake Canadian ass is too forgiving and i'm a hoarder for shit like this) but im thinking of giving back his letter from last christmas.

basically it said "i love you a lot" (platonically) and "i will fuck up and kill someone if they hurt you"

so why am i still alive lol

and i keep meaning to give that back to him but i don't have the heart to.

is it cruel to still hold on to the letters even though i've forgiven him and all? 

also, i've listened to "i fall apart" by post malone on loop for the past two days and last night i stayed up until 1:30 watching a hamilton bootleg.

also im getting my phone back soon yee :) lemme be real like 4 people will get the number lmao