🌸The Promise 🌸[18+]

Chapter 30.

"We can't." I say in between kisses. "We shouldn't do this." Trying to convince myself more than Xavier. But my lips carry on kissing him.
My brain is thinking logically but my body is thinking the opposite.
"No Xavier." I say and Xavier stops, he sighs and steps back his eyes look hurt and turned on all at the same time.

"This thing between us has to stop, I can't keep kissing you and letting you touch me. Your still engaged whether you have met the girl or not. I'm not some play thing you can use In between women. This needs to stop before feelings get involved." I look to him and his eyes are trying to tell me something. They smoulder with lust and something else.

But I continue.

"I shouldn't be doing these things till I'm married, and even then I don't know if I ever want to get married. I don't want to be someones property like my mother was. I can't let myself be so easy, I've just let you take what you want from me. Without thinking of the consequences of my actions. I don't want to end up like the others cast aside when I'm no longer needed." I can't help the venom in my voice. But it's true. He's just using me and I keep letting him.

"Someone's property? My father bought you Nova. You belong to him." He says in frustration.

I recoil at his words, but they are true. Mr Laywood did buy me and I am technically his property.

He looks to me, and swallows, his desperate eyes search mine and I can't help but look away. It's just too intense.
"I can't stay away from you Nova, if I just wanted sex, I would have found someone else to sleep with. Someone that doesn't keep pushing me away. But yet im here kissing you because I can't stop thinking about you. I want you as much as you want me, and I know you want me. Why do you doubt that I might actually have feelings for you. That this chemistry we have between us means more to me than just getting a quick fix before I find someone else?" He says angrily.

"Because your engaged to be married. You said yourself you will have to marry by next year and I don't want to be used and thrown away before you walk up the aisle." I say equally as angry.

He runs his hands through his hair in frustration. His eyes look sad and all I want to do is hold him. But I can't.

"I said to you, I would never take things too far. I would always stop before we got carried away. If I was just after sex, surely I would have made a move by now? I would have eagerly got my dick out when you asked and shown you what It can be used for?"
His words go straight to my core and I close my eyes.
Why does he has this effect on me?

"I'm a man Nova I have impulses, I have needs. When I look at you, I won't deny that I don't want to be inside of you making you scream my name. But I know we can't do that." He looks to me with need and frustration.

"Even if I wanted to, and believe me I want to. But your not ready or willing  and I know that, that's why I'm so careful with you. I don't want to take your virginity if I'm going to marry someone else.
I'm not sure what the future holds but all I know is I can't stand to not be able to kiss you or touch you, even hold you as you sleep on my chest. I've been with lots of women, I won't deny it. But I've never felt this way with them, they itched a scratch served their purpose.
But with you, you make me so happy. I've never felt as happy as I am when I'm with you. Even arguing with you is enjoyable because I'm here in your presence."

He rubs his hand over his face. I can see his eyes are pleading with me.

"Nova please. I can't keep being pushed away. I want you, you know I want you. But it's up to you now. I won't keep kissing you if you really don't want me to. I respect you enough to know your own mind."
He says, his eyes are so sad. I can see them start to water.

My heart aches at his words, but his future is so uncertain that I can't allow myself to fall in love with him if he's going to marry another. I won't be able to bare it.
With the small amount of strength I have left, I say the words my heart doesn't want to say. But my head knows its for the best.
I swallow away the tears threatening to fall, and my voice is void of emotion.
"Xavier, I don't want to do this anymore. I know you will just hurt me in the end, and I don't want to be hurt. I deserve to be with someone that could give me a future if I wanted it. That someone isn't you. I'm sorry but I don't want you, I don't want to do this anymore."

My voice breaks on the last word and my brain screams. Liar. Liar. Liar.
But I know I've got to do this. Even if the girl he's engaged to isn't suitable anymore, there will be another one from a wealthy family waiting in line.
I know I'm treated like a lady here but I'm in the same class as all the staff at the Estate, they know it and I know it. I have no money to my name and no marriage prospects. Everything I have doesn't belong to me. My beautiful dresses, my beautiful room, it can all get taken away in a split second. I own nothing. I would never be able to belong to Xavier, we are worlds apart in class and social standing. I can't even pretend otherwise because it hurts too much.
I watch him walk out of my room defeated. I had to do this I tell myself because the only person that would be hurt and lose everything is me, not him.