🌸The Promise 🌸[18+]

Chapter 31

The weeks go by quickly, being around Xavier was hard at first but we have got into a routine of saying good morning at breakfast, him leaving before I do, so we don't walk together to the clinic. I say the absolute necessary to him during working hours, and he rarely sits with me and Mr Laywood for supper anymore. He claims he has too much work to do, but I know he's just trying to avoid me.

Angeles has been such a great comfort, and I'm very lucky I have her to speak to about all of this. Minus the sexual things we did. I told her we kissed a few times and she blushed.

She agrees that ending things was for the best. But sometimes when I dream of Xavier kissing me or touching me I start to regret my choice. I haven't just lost his touch I've also lost a friend I didn't realise I had.

The Estate is bursting with Christmas decorations but I don't feel very festive with everything that has gone on. Also Mr Laywood informed me that my father has been executed and I know I shouldn't have but I did cry, I know he didn't care about me. But I hope deep down inside of him he knows he messed his life up and regrets the mistakes he made.
The Winter Ball is coming up in a week and part of me is looking forward to it because Trudy has promised she will be back and I've missed her. But part of me is dreading it as I will know no one except Mr Laywood and Xavier, and I know Xavier will spend the night avoiding me.

I'm especially tired from the clinic today. It was a particularly busy day with people having the winter flu  and young children with croup.
Xavier and Nurse Sylvia boiled some water and carefully held the children over the steam to help their airways.
Watching Xavier with a small child made my chest feel tight. I could picture a little brown haired brown eyed boy sitting on Xaviers knee playing with a stethoscope. I just know he will be a caring doting father one day.
I wonder if I will still be here to witness it? I hope not, I can feel the pain in my chest just from the thought.

I hope things with Xavier will get easier and it won't be as awkward to be in each others company, I miss him though. I've never had someone that has cared for me the way Xavier has. Shown me pleasure the way he did.

When Im alone I think about him taking me to the beach so I could see the beautiful grey blue sea, the way he showed me the stars and the shapes they made in the black silent night. His hand finding mine and pulling me to kiss him when he thinks no one is looking. The desire in his dark eyes when he looks at me. I realise I won't ever get that again. Nobody will make me feel the way Xavier made me feel.
I wipe a lone tear away. I don't want to cry, I spent the last few weeks crying myself to sleep. Wondering if what I did and said was the right choice.
He's going to have to marry at some point wether it's to the girl he's promised to or a refined elegant girl of good breeding. I'm never going to be that girl and he knows it. I will never be good enough for him.
I blow out my candle and lay back hoping sleep will take me. My dreams are always consumed with Xavier and they are bittersweet.

I hear a cry and then a painful groan.

I sit up looking towards the window. What was that noise?

I hear quick footsteps and a woman scream out in pain.

With my heart in my chest I get out of bed a run to the window.
Looking down I see a woman bent over clutching her stomach and crying out in pain. I see Isaac trying to hold her up and another person holding an oil lamp so they can see.

I need to get Xavier.

I turn and grab my robe and head for the door.
With a deep breath I knock, I can hear movement but then nothing. So I impatiently knock again.

His door opens slowly and I can see the flicker of his open fire light up his big frame. With the breath knocked out of me I see he has no shirt on and his hard chest and defined abs are the first thing I see.
The second thing I see if the dark scattered hairs around his navel leading in a line to his trousers. To his manhood. I'm drawn to it like a moth to a flame and I bite my lip.