BTS SMERALDO THE NOTES 1 (Edited & Translated)

Jimin: 4 July Year 22

After Returning from the Sea
Part 9

When I came back to myself, I was rubbing my arm so hard my skin started to chaff. My hands were trembling. I could hear my breaths: short and in gasps. A thin stream of blood ran down my arm. My eyes were bloodshot.

Images of what had just happened flashed through my mind.

I'd lost concentration when dancing and stumbled. I crashed into my partner, fell down and grazed my arm.

Seeing the blood took me back to the Grass Flower Arboretum. I couldn't breathe.

I don't know how I managed to get up and make my way out of the studio. I made it to the bathroom somehow. I scrubbed at my arm like crazy. The more blood that washed down the drain, the more frightened I became.

I thought I was over that. I thought I'd gotten better. That I was okay. But I wasn't.

I had to run away. I had to wash off the blood. I had to forget and look the other way. Move on.

Then, I remembered. My partner also fell. She was also hurt.

I rushed back to the practice room. She wasn't there. Her coat was on the floor near Hoseok's bag.

I ran outside. It was raining hard but I somehow was able to spot Hoseok running into the distance with my partner on his back. She was unconscious. She didn't move.

I chased after Hoseok. I even had an umbrella. But I stopped. I tried to remember when she'd fallen. I couldn't recall anything.

When I'd seen my own injury and blood, I forgot about everything else around me. I left without making sure she was okay.

I wouldn't be of any help if I caught up to Hoseok. I was so weak. I was so scared of my own blood and own past that I wasn't even able to help her and see if she was okay. I was so pathetic.

I turned around and walked back. Every step I took, rain splattered onto my sneakers. Cars drove past me.

It rained the day I was at the Arboretum too. My body had been covered in mud. It looked like blood. I'd been so scared that day.

And today was much like that day all those years ago.

And I came to a sudden realization:

I hadn't grown up one bit since that day at the grass flower Arboretum.
I was still that eight year old little kid. I was still scared. And I definitely wasn't okay.

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