BTS SMERALDO THE NOTES 1 (Edited & Translated)

Taehyung 20 May Year 22

The Topmost Floor in the City
Part 14

I looked down at my palm, shaking. Blood was welling up out of the cut, covering my hand in dark blood. My legs gave out on me. I was going to collapse. someone caught me just in time. Sunlight streamed in through one murky window. My sister was crying. Hoseok stood in the doorway, watching us silently, unmoving.

The floor was cluttered with dirty dishes. That was nothing new. Dad had gotten away. I hadn't even realised.

The uncontrollable rage and sorrow that had welled up inside me when I flung myself at Dad were still fresh in my mind. I didn't know why I hadn't stabbed him when I had the chance. What was holding me back? I didn't know how to get rid of the anger that was still coursing through me either. I wanted to kill myself instead of killing Dad. I wanted to just drop dead right here.

I couldn't cry. I wanted to so badly. I wanted to shout, break something, cry loudly and break down. But it all seemed like everything was beyond my control.

"Sorry, Hoseok. Sorry you had to see that. I'm fine. You can go ahead," I told him, my throat dry. I was surprised with how calm that all came out. My mind was a whole other matter.

Hoseok went home, even though he really didn't want to. I looked down at my palm again. Blood was still oozing out. Small drops of blood pattered onto the floor. Instead of stabbing him, I'd smashed a bottle on the floor. The bottle had shattered and cut my palm.

Dizziness blurred my vision. I should stop thinking about it. I squeezed my eyes shut.

What should I do now? How am I going to live?

I think I blacked out. After I regained consciousness, I found myself looking at Namjoon's number. Maybe, because of what had happened, I wanted to see Namjoon. I wanted to tell him everything. Id almost killed the very man who had brought me into this world.

No. I'd already killed him. I'd killed him countless times in my mind already. I want to kill him. I want to die.

I don't know what to do. I'm lost.

I just want to see Namjoon. I just want someone to talk to.   

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