BTS SMERALDO THE NOTES 1 (Edited & Translated)

Yoongi: 25 July Year 22

The Direction Where the Sun Rises
Part 2.1

ｔｒｉｇｇｅｒ
ｗａｒｎｉｎｇ
［suicidal thoughts］

I woke up in the middle of the night, soaked. It was raining. I swore and got up off the ground. I stood still for a while, trying to come to my senses. It was freezing and my body began to shake.

"If you're going to run away. Don't come back."
Ah. That's what Hoseok said to me earlier.

After leaving the hospital, all I could remember was stumbling around from place to place in a haze. Seized by drunkenness, headaches, uncertainty and my own fear, I had no idea where I was or what the time was.

And then, in my state, I saw Hoseok and relief washed over me. For some reason I thought he'd be able to understand what I was going through right now, how I was feeling. I couldn't even properly understand what I was going through myself.

But Hoseok looked away and pretended he hadn't seen me. The walk signal went on and I watched him walk away.

Then someone shoved me so hard I fell onto the ground. Some people even yelled at me.

"Why didn't you go see Jungkook? Don't you know how much you mean to him?"

And of course I knew. Maybe that was why I couldn't find it in me to go into his room.

I was so screwed up. Anyone who came near me would just get hurt.

So here I was now, standing in the rain. A complete wreck. I cast my eyes up to the mountain. There were two directions. I could walk deeper into the mountain or I could turn around and go back down.

Whenever there was a fork in the road like this one, I took my chances. I had no destination. I didn't even know what time it was. Maybe I was walking around in circles.

After walking in the rain for a while, my knees felt as if they'd give in at any second from the biting cold and fatigue. I was out of breath and my heart was racing.

What if I just collapsed here and  died? Well. Actually. If I'm destined to die here, so be it.

I sank down onto the ground.

Raindrops fell on my face. It was as dark with my eyes opened as they were closed. I felt like I was drowning in these different veins of darkness around me.

I thought about death for a while. I wanted to flee from the fears and desires that continued to haunt me.

I wanted to run away as far as possible from everything. The agony that everything drawn to me caused would only push my pain from one extreme to another.

Now must be the time.
It was all for the better.

I'd inflicted pain on others as I suffered greater pain. I never helped them with their struggles because I didn't want to take any responsibility for them. I didn't want to get involved. That is the kind of person I am.

This moment must be a blessing to everyone. I blinked slowly and began to doze off.

The pain. The cold. The fatigue. It all disappeared. And I became numb to the darkness, the light and my surroundings. Everything became dim.

ｖｏｔｅ
＋
ｓｈａｒｅ
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ｃｏｍｍｅｎｔ