The Will of Two Worlds (Avatar Female OC)

44. Epiphany

I sat there, staring at Polyphemus and the night sky, overlooking the cliff. My legs are crossed under me, hands lightly on my knees as I just stared forward, my mind blank, my heart feeling crushed, my soul feeling diminished.

Solros yawned from behind me, settling down with his head next to my crossed legs, looking up at me somberly, like he could sense my turmoil without the connection of our queues. I cautiously leaned back into Solros' crooked wings, thinking back over the last few hours that seemed to break my tenuous hold onto the ledge of hope. I reached out and laid a hand on Solros' neck, feeling the air from his breathing holes rush over my hand, oddly grounding me to reality. 

I looked around the cliff, slowly returning from the numb place my mind seemed to go to, remembering how I came to be on this cliff. I just wanted to be alone, I held so many secrets, all rightfully mine to keep but... now I don't know what to do with them. 

Discovering I have fallen for the future Olo'etykan of the Omaticaya was what finally broke the barrier of hope I held around my heart, sending everything crashing down around me, mentally at least. It's like, admitting to that fact, has forced me to admit to many others I buried in my mind.

I am dying.

It's a fact that fills me with crippling fear, of death, but I knew I couldn't deny it any longer. I am dying, slowly, painfully, but I am dying. And there is nothing that can be done about it, not a single bit of medicine humanity has made could cure this. The Na'vi cannot help me, even if I asked, because my human body is the one that is dying, not my avatar body.

Cryosickness.

I shuddered at the word, clenching my eyes shut tightly, feeling the tears stinging in my eyes as I bit back a sob. I knew I was right, I studied Cryosickness in medical school, I know it's affects. At this current rate of progression... I maybe have a year, or only a few months. So little is known about Cryosickness.

I curled into Solros' wing, the world seeming duller to me.

Then there is the fact that I have fallen love, more than what I ever felt for Tom, with someone I can never be with. Tsu'tey has his duties, and they come first. I know that well, it was the same for me as a citizen of TULTE.

I know duty matters more than what you feel. I also know Tsu'tey still thinks I am disgusting, so these feelings are not returned. Yet, I can't just banish what I feel, it has buried it's roots too deep.

After Tsu'tey forced me to eat dinner, I took off to the hammocks saying I was tired and woke up in my human body. Faced with these truths, I pushed my emotions to the back of my mind and began... preparations. I still am terrified of death, but I know nothing can be done. I also knew that, very likely, Trudy or someone else will return to the trailer eventually, and I might be living then, or I might not be.

So I put together a duffle, holding a tablet, showing the scans I have taken of my foot to show the cryo ice building in my blood, as well as the scan of my stomach, showing that the ice has built there some as well. I had a will of sort written in that tablet as well... and I feel horrible, but I would rather not tell those I have grown close to how short of a time I have left to live... I would rather they see me happy, healthy, till it becomes too much. I don't want them suffering along with me...

I wonder how the Na'vi will react? When, suddenly, my avatar no longer wakes up in the morning? Will they just toss my body into a small dug grave, or will my work of these last few months give me the right to a proper Na'vi burial? I have even somehow kept this knowledge from Solros and Falrar, the two creatures I have let into my heart.