The Will of Two Worlds (Avatar Female OC)

94. Believe

I bit my lip with worry, wondering if I lost it by admitting this to Tsu'tey. This could seriously hurt him, especially after his admission that he would give up being Olo'eyktan for me, which still blows my mind. I did something I haven't since first walking in this body. I hugged my arms about myself, removing my hands from his braids, backing away, tensing my shoulders, wary. I did this often when I was in a tough situation or afraid of something, It comforted me, making me feel a bit more like there was a protective shield around me.

The cat was out of the bag now, I still wondered where I summoned the courage to admit that dark and weak secret, something that shows I am not the bright and strong Daughter of Eywa I lead other to believe. Is this what Jake felt, trying to hide his Sky Person body away from The People? Probably not, at least his condition isn't slowly killing him in the most painful way known to die on Pandora. Still, I wouldn't want to show any of the Na'vi, not even Tsu'tey, the state of my human form.

I ducked my head, frowning with worry at this admission, while I convinced myself to tell Tsu'tey the truth, doesn't mean I am proud of it or anything. I wondered with fear at what Tsu'tey will do. Will he leave me, not wanting to watch me die slowly? I can't imagine him doing that really, his very personality tells me he would never do that. No, my first thought of what Tsu'tey would do is try to convince me to go through the ritual of Eywa. I knew I shouldn't be afraid, but I wasn't afraid for me.

I was afraid for Tsu'tey. I would hate to supply him hope, hope I do not have, that I would make it into this body and survive. I did not have that strong of hope. Eywa could have meant any number of things in the words she sent me, and I still cannot hear from her or from anything around me, leaving me feeling like I lost my sight or something, something essential because I have had it for months.

I felt lost, unsure, and now angry at myself for the pain I will no doubt put Tsu'tey through. I lifted my eyes up from my tightly clenched hands, summoning my small amount of courage as white braids fell around my face, looking up into Tsu'tey's eyes. I found his expression no longer held the bright happiness of a moment ago, nor was there confusion at my words. No, his expression was blocked off once more, controlled, his eyes narrowed at me as a small unintentional scowl started to develop.

To anyone else it might look like he was judging me or something, but I knew Tsu'tey well, this was his defensive expression he uses when he wouldn't want some emotion seem by others. I frowned sadly as I looked down once more, painful guilt filling me. Tsu'tey hasn't used that expression on me since he decided he didn't hate me, just disliked me. I hugged my chest tighter as I tensed my shoulders even more, hunching in on myself like a turtle would to protect itself.

I am sure I looked pitiful, huddled in on myself like I was trying to protect myself from the outside world. I stared down at my seared upper clothing made from those white leaves the Tawkami gave me, the leaves burned by the explosion that hurt me, Solros, and Trudy. I was sad to see such a nice gift now blackened by flames.

Silence remained for a few long, painful moments.

I felt a four fingered hand reach under my chin, tilting my head up as I closed my eyes, unwilling to see that same defensive expression I saw before. I knew I was acting shy and cowardly, but I just exposed my largest and most painful secret to the same person who believe I have never lied to him before, the same person I basically told I never lied to. I could only imagine the hurt and the pain I am causing him, so I couldn't... I couldn't meet his eyes and see that pain.

"Heti...." Tsu'tey trailed off, his voice quiet and almost... worried? I tried to pull my head back from his hand, but he gently held onto my chin and didn't let me move.

"Heti, please, open eyes." Tsu'tey said with even more worry. I cautiously peeked at him with one barely open eye, worried I would see the same defensive expression. Instead, I found eyes brimming with worry and love, making me frown.