The Will of Two Worlds (Avatar Female OC)

46. Changing Heart

I sighed in exhaustion, looking at the vines before the small clearing that I knew entirely too well by this point, the fluorescent lights of nightfall and the distant calls of creatures being the only things around me. It is very, very late. After our flight, Tsu'tey seemed more... subdued.  I wondered if I said something wrong. At dinner he went back to being stern looking Tsu'tey, so I guess whatever it was, he found some answer.

I went to my hammock after dinner, intending to leave the link and check on my human body, but the fear of doing so overwhelmed me, so I sat there for hours in the hammock, unmoving, till everyone else around me as long since asleep. Talking of the... afterlife made what is happening to me right now so much more real, so much more terrifying.

My human body is dying, I am dying. It could be a year, it could be a month, but eventually... I will be leaving this world, and Earth, behind. When one is faced with one's mortality... everything seems so much more precious and important, something to savor and care for while you can.

Like that look of hope in the eyes of the Na'vi, when I first arrived here. The tears of hope in Mo'at's eyes when Eywa herself reached out to speak to me.

"Past is past... Future is future. Let go of past chains, and see life in new free eyes..." I breathed, remembering Eywa's words to me. What a painful way for me to go about letting go of past chains, being faced with death, knowing it lurks around the corner, ready to strike at a moment's notice.

Without other around me, my mood became sombur at the knowledge, knowing I will soon be forced to give up all I have come to love, to see, to enjoy...

I looked up at the vines, determination filling me as I breathed carefully, pushing the vines away and stepping into the clearing. I don't know why I expected it to look different somehow, but it doesn't, it is the same clearing I spent every night in before leaving the link at two or three in the morning. The same clearing where many revelations came to me, where I came to see the world, and even Earth, in a different light.

I guess to could say that, what I learned in this clearing has humbled me even more than my TULTE upbringings. I looked around before sitting at the pond's edge, dipping a toe into the water, watching it ripple for a while before taking a deep breath and closing my eyes, letting myself fall back to the senses I have gained since discovering Eywa.

I could sense her, balancing the scales and caring as much as possible for each and every plant and animal. I looked to the root that still remains sticking out of the ground from the last time I spoke to Eywa and grabbed my queue, holding it out to the branch, the queue's tendrils wrapping around the sticking out root.

Immediately, I felt Eywa's presence, watching me, waiting.

"I... wanted to apologise, for pushing away all you have tried so hard to teach me. A... recent event has helped me see your words are true. I clung to the past as a lifeline, keeping love, keeping friendship out with my single minded goal to fulfill my Spirit Quest... I see now that I was wrong, and it wasn't fair to throw away all you taught me just out of fear." I said softly, looking down at the water.

"Truth is... I don't what to do anymore. All of my focus, for all of my life, has been on my Spirit Quest, on fulfilling the task The Great Mother Eagle gave me. Now... knowing I cannot offer her anymore help than what little I have... I am lost. I don't... I don't even know who I truly am. For my people, I formed myself into the beacon they needed. To humanity, I formed myself into the silent and quiet shadow needed to survive and do what I needed to. For Hell's Gate and the scientists, I formed myself into I odd mix of the two. Am I a TULTE citizen? Am I a medic? Am I becoming Na'vi, or am I still more human? I am lost, and I am torn." I continued to talk, feeling Eywa's presence simply listening, waiting.