The Will of Two Worlds (Avatar Female OC)

86. Loss

I slowly lifted my head from Solros' back, the battle seeming silent and distant as I struggled to breathe, my breaths stuttering and painful, my eyes closed tight to fight back burning tears. I was only vaguely aware of Solros moving. I tugged mentally, trying to pull him in the direction of...

Direction of...

I opened my eyes to blurriness of tears. I couldn't see a thing. I couldn't hear, I couldn't think. Tsu'tey... Tsu'tey, my love, the one who showed me that you can love the world in a whole different way. Who showed me that one should never hide who they are or hold onto hate. The one who showed me that you have to stand up for yourself for you will get pushed down. The one who pushed me to my limits and was proud of how far I have come since I joined the Omaticaya. The one who saw a kindness in me that I do not see in myself.

Gone.

Since the discovery of my coming death, I have done everything I can to make sure Tsu'tey and the Omaticaya live on after I am gone. Being his friend, helping the Omaticaya, putting my mental health at risk for the home I have found here. I have done a lot for my home here, but none of it would have happened without Tsu'tey.

And now he is gone.

His scowls, glares, crossed arms and annoyed looks. His rare half smile, the suddenly expressive change in his eyes from cold and annoyed to worried and caring. His funny way of saying my name. The teasing and taunting, the glares and threats that were never actually threats. The smiles and light touches of his hand on mine. Painting each other for battle. The hug that opened up the deep well of my pain.

Gone. All that is left is memories, fragmented and shadowed by the grief that now fills me to my bones. Grief so overpowering I didn't know who I was anymore. What truly was there left to fight for, when the one person who kept my head above those dark oceans of grief and pain is now lost to me forever? The one person who could see me and understand me more than anyone I have ever known, who accepted my odd actions and my differences from the Na'vi. The one who trained me to become one of The People, helped me see the land in a whole new light, and showed me that giving to others, helping out others, is more fulfilling than just fulfilling one's own agenda.

The one who put his duty before his wants, who would put aside everything he feels or worries about for his people. THat is what I loved most about him. That, under his pride, scowls, and grumpy actions, there is a person who would lay down his life for his people.

And he has.

I sobbed brokenly into Solros' neck once more as I thought of how that would be exactly how Tsu'tey would wish to go out. Defending his people, defending his clan and his home. I was only a little aware of Solros diving down, I don't know where and, that this point, I don't really care where. My breathing was unsteady and choppy from the deep, painful sobs ripping themselves out of my chest.My pulse thundered in my ears, drowning all sounds out as I felt like someone was slowly crushing my chest under this unbearable pain.

What I could hear from myself sounded like a wounded, dying animal crying out in pain. And maybe I was, I wasn't really aware anymore to think over such facts. I was drowning, drowning and drowning in my deep well of grief, sorrow, and pain. I must be cursed. Everyone I have ever loved dies, everyone I have become friends with I have pushed away or been betrayed. My parents, my home of TULTE, Norm, Tom, Trudy, Grace... Jake, Neytiri, Mo'at...

Tsu'tey...

I slowly looked up, everything a blur. My heart was cracked into a thousand pieces, my hand above that pit of dark waters had slipped and let go.

I don't know who I am anymore.

I don't know why I still fight.

Why am I still fighting when there is little left to live for?