Shrinking Violet

13

First month courting, we just said we are already okay (not he's courting) and Yona distanced herself.

I improved in understanding because of JC that's why I could understand our lesson slightly. Sometimes, he would sit next to me because he was jealous of Maki.

So cute

I'm not jealous with Kristine or Yona or anyone. I'm proud. I'm proud that he's courting me and not them. I'm proud that he love me. Maybe slight, but I don't want to be eaten by insecurities and jealousy.

His weight increased and he's blaming me for that. I know he's healthy but I want to take care of him. I want him to feel special. I don't want him to be depressed again.

Me. I think I'm okay. Papa is doing well. My anxiety is decreasing because of JC but I'm being an introvert.

I don't know why but I lost all of my friends. I don't know how to talk to them but whenever they need me, I'm still here for them. I know, maybe, they don't want me and Yona argue again. Their solution is to avoid me for Yona.

Yona, she's maybe okay. The teachers are always looking at her. Teachers have favoritism that someone who's not capable of their expectations couldn't reach.

.

Days, weeks and months had past. And I'm happy to be with JC. I'm happy that I'm his girl. Every Saturday afternoon, we are attending the mass and go to kuya Ronald (ihawan).

The mass ended and I automatically walk to the ihawan. "Anong bibilhin mo ngayon?" Tanong ko kay JC ngunit walang sumagot. Lumingon ako sa tigkabila kong tabi ngunit wala siya.

Huh? Nasan na yun?

May pumatong sa ulo ko at nagulat ako. "Sinong hinahanap mo?" Tanong ni JC. Malaking kamay nito ang nakapatong sa akin at ang bigat!

"Alisin mo nga yan!" Pag tanggal ko sa kamay niya. "Saan ka ba galing?" Tanong ko na nakakunot ang noo.

"Hala nagtampo. " Nag sad face siya at.. "Sorry naaaaa"

Amp. Ang cuuutee

"Oo na. Bati na tayo."  Biglang lumapat ang malaking ngiti sa kaniya

"Yiieee hindi ako matiis"

Inirapan ko siya. Baka akala niya no.  Magpapasuyo pa ako. WAHAHA

"Ayy Joyce. Hehe. Pwedeng hindi muna tayo mag-ihaw?"

"Oo naman." Sagot ko.

Payag naman ako na hindi kami mag-ihaw dahil nag usap naman kami ngayon na uuwi kami ng sabay. Kadalasan kasi, naglalakad siya habang nakatricycle naman ako. Maglalakad sana kaming dalawa papunta sa may bahay namin at magtatricycle siya pauwi.

"Kasiii, may lakad kami ng tropa."

"Sabay tayong uuwi ngayon 'di ba?"

"Sorry. Hatid na lang kita sa sakayan"

"Ah hindi na. Lalakad na lang ako. Punta ka na doon. Bonding niyo yun e. Tsaka baka iniisip nila na nasa akin na lahat ng time mo" paliwanag ko.

"Ahh sige. Sure ka?" May pag aalinlangan nitong umalis.

"Yup! Have fun" tumakbo ako ng kaunting metro at lumingon ulit sa kaniya ng nakangiti. "Babaayyy. Ingat ka" kaway ko sa kaniya.

Tumango ito at tumalikod din. Nandito na naman ako nakatingin sa likod mong papalayo sa akin.

Okay lang yun.

Mag-isa lang ako sa kwarto ko. Nakaupo ako sa kama, patay ang ilaw ng kwarto ko at liwanag galing sa cellphone ko lang ang ilaw.

Gabi na at nag aalala ako kay JC. Sana naman maayos lang siya.

Niyakap ko ang binti ko at isinandal ang ulo ko sa tuhod ko. I can't wait to be with him again. He's my happiness.

JC, where are you?

My phone keeps on vibrating dahil sa notifications. Nagchchat sila sa gc. How can I be friends again with them? Or I'm not destined to be?

Minutes past and my phone stopped vibrating. My phone died in a minute and it's purely white and black color in my room.

Sleepiness hugged me so I close my eyes and sleep.

Tomorrow, I woke up feeling sick but I ignored it. I went to school wearing my uniform and have a normal day. Being alone and happy at the same time.

I hold my necklace with JCs ring. He entrusted this to me.

He will always be my baby. Everything he wants me to do, I'll do it. Even if it's bad or good. Even if it's not fine with me.

I love him.. I remember when I'm teaching him how to dance. He really got a 2 left foot. Kung kaya ko lang siya, pinaapak ko na siya sa paa ko.

I remember when he cried to me. I never thought I will be an important person to him. I never thought he will love me. I just wish he'll not hurt me. I trust him to not.

Although, I feel a little bit sad. I don't know why but I feel like some things will get bad. I just wish it's not about us, JC.

"May teacher ka na kinausap ako kanina" sabi ni mama. Nasa bahay na ako at pumasok siya sa kwarto ko.  Sobrang sakit na ng ulo ko kaya nakadapa ako sa kama ko.

"Ano pong sabi?" I reminisced about what I did a week ago and I don't see anything wrong.

"Magaling ka daw sa subject niya. Hindi ko naman na tinanong kung anong subject. Basta galingan mo. Pinapayagan naman kita ng kahit hindi honor student basta walang bagsak ha? Ayaw ko ng line of 7."

Tumango ako dito.

"Bakit ka ba nakadapa? Mahihirapan ka huminga, tumihaya ka." Utos nito na agad kong sinunod.

Aayos na sana ako ng higa ngunit namatay ata ang isa ko kaluluwa sa gulat sa paghampas ni mama sa braso ko. Nakatingin lang ako kay mama ng malalaki ang mata.

"Anong singsing yan? Sinong nagbigay niyan?" Kunot-noo nitong tanong.

"Kaklase ko po" mahinahon at tunay na pagsagot ko.

"Boyfriend mo?" Bulong nito.

"Hindi po"

"Ba't hindi mo sagutin?"

"Para namang pwede, Ma?" Umupo ako sa kama ko.

"Edi dalhin mo dito at ipakilala sa amin."

"Ano ka, Ma. Mamaya hampasin yun ni papa nung bakal na lagi niyang kaabay pagtulog."

"O? E bakit may may care ka?"

"Malamang, Ma. Papayagan ko ba manligaw kung hindi ko type." Paliwanag ko with hand gestures.

"Aba type mo? Isusumbong kita kay Papa mo"

"Maaaa! Waaaggg!!" Sigaw ko ng pabulong.

"Basta dalhin mo bukas. " at umalis na ito ng kwarto ko. May tiwala naman ako kay mama na hindi nito sasabihin yun kay papa pero may takot ako na baka mas worst ang mangyari kung hindi ko gagawin.

Hindi nga nagpakita sa akin ngayong araw tapos aakitin ko na pumunta dito?

Seryoso nga ba?

Actually nakakapagduda pero mas gusto kong intindihin na lang siya.

Pero manliligaw pa lang naman e bakit ko sya dadalhin dito sa bahay? At bakit naman hindi? Malay ko kung seryoso yun ano!

Tanungin ko?

I look at my bed side table and stare at my phone. Should I chat him or talk to him personally?

Oh God. Help me.